When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
I first met Jeab on November 16, 1998. I had entered Dream Boys in Pattaya the night before with an off in tow. We had had a few drinks when I started to leave, then someone caught my eye. He was partially hidden behind a pole, but he saw me gazing at him and smiled and inched closer. I came up to him and smiled back. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. I stood there staring at him transfixed like a statue for nearly a minute. I gave him an approving nod and left, determined to return the next night, alone.
Upon entering the place the mamasan came up to me with the usual greeting. "Where you from, sir? How long you stay in Pattaya?" I wasn't listening. I was scanning the stage for the young man I saw the night before. Finally, there he was. I indicated to the mamasan that I would like for the boy to come sit with me. He came and we exchanged names. "This boy name Jeab. I am Opp. (Not her real name.) You like drink for boy?" she said.
It was to be the beginning of a long and budding relationship. Not just me and the new boy. Opp insisted that her presence with my new friend would make things go smoothly. "Boy no speak good English. I speak very good English. I talk to him for you. You tell me what you like, I say to him for you." Ok, fair enough, I thought. This was all new to me. I had no basis upon which to compare with other experiences, so the three of us seemed completely natural, at least at this point.
Jeab and I left together and he held my hand. But then something happened. No sooner had we stepped outside than something else really big was taking place. Everyone was staring upwards to the sky. Jeab pointed up into the night blackness and I could hardly believe my eyes. There were huge balls of fire streaking across the sky. I thought the world was coming to an end. They were coming fast, one after another, they were so close I could almost reach out and touch . . . but then, Jeab squeezed my hand and we took a few steps more, heads still tilted up. It was, I would later learn, the Leonid meteor shower.
It was this trip and many others that crystallized in mind as a desire to return again and again, year after year, just to see him, who was now my boyfriend. I couldn't call him a prostitute, although I did pay him, a bit more generously than the going rate, I have since been told. It wasn't so much payment as it was "taking care of him." When you come to see one person, so consistently, year after year, how can it be called prostitution? I didn't know and I didn't care. It didn't make any difference to me. He was my "falling star" boyfriend.
I came again in '99, twice that year, and twice a year for several years following. He always met me at the hotel when the taxi pulled up, when he knew I was coming. Ever diligent, ever attentive. One year he gave me a rose. Another year I surprised him at the bar. They open the door for you at Dream Boys long before you get up the steps. I think he spied me from the street and was running to me and hugged me just as I passed thru door. He would be at my side then, ignoring his friends for the new moment, as attentive as he always had been, and just as sweet.
Opp came with us on day trips for the first three years, at least 5 or 6 trips total. Her contribution to the relationship was for her companionship and translation. At 500 baht a day, I didn't mind. But after a while, it was cumbersome. She silently demanded to be everywhere with us. One day I asked Jeab, "why does she go everywhere with us?" I wanted to be alone with him. Later, he mentioned to her what I had said. Then we came to Jomtien Beach. Jeab was away from his spot in the deck chair next to me. She was crying. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I can't help it if you don't want me around." I didn't know what to say. I felt so small. I was a horrible, terrible monster.
But in the trips following, Opp wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere. Opp was dead. The details were lost in a horrible translation by a friend. I'm not really sure what had happened. But I have mourned for Opp. I have many photos of her with Jeab and she had taken many photos of us. And if I find Jeab, and even if I don't, I will honor her in some way. I don't know how just yet, but I want to do it.
It was September, 2003 now. Jeab had just sent me an email asking for a great deal of money. I had a ticket purchased for a Christmas visit. My friends, who are Thailand-intolerant, told me I should find a local bf. I resisted the idea for a long time. Then one day I placed an ad in an online site. The very next day I got a response. His name was Jose. (Not his real name). We exchanged emails for several months, then phone calls for another month, and we finally met. He lived in a college town with his brother about 100 miles away. He made the drive every weekend until it was finally decided he would move in. It was going very fast. Too fast. But I loved him. And he loved me. So, I cancelled the trip to Thailand.
He got a part time job right away to help with the bills, but it was still a financial drain. I couldn't keep sending Jeab money while an even greater outflow was required to keep the new relationship afloat. Then one day Jose quit his part-time job. I was furious. It was the only argument we ever had, but it was enough to spark the beginning of a downturn in our relationship. He was now unemployed. It took him well over a year to find another job. And it could not be a part-time job, I insisted. It had to be full-time so he could support himself, which he was well capable of doing. But by the time that happened, it was too late for us. It was the end of a 4-yr relationship. I had started to think about Jeab again. And now my emails to him were not responded.
In December 2007, Jose moved out, with a new car, a new job in Austin (not the real city) and a new boyfriend. I was happy for him. We still talk at least once or twice a day and we still love each other. He is my best friend. Sometimes we cry on the phone about our history and how much we miss each other. But he has always known about Jeab and hates him bitterly to this day. He is silent about Thailand, but I suspect Thailand just made him feel threatened, too.
I made two more trips to Thailand, but by now, Jose was already making twice-monthly trips to Austin to visit his new bf. And due to that fact, I was now able to turn my attention back to Thailand after a 4-year absence. In those trips, I played butterfly, but it was not very fulfilling. No one had come close to the memory of my falling-star boyfriend. I began posting on SGT forum a month before Jose moved out. I wanted to get my mind off this whole thing. I wanted to make new friends in Thailand. I had read the forum on PattayaGay for quite a while, then Ez-board, until finally what is has become now and finally began posting.
But this is not the end of the story. In the days following, I would think more about when I first saw the meteor shower. The great balls of fire would not mean that the world is coming to come to an end, after all. With Jeab in my life, the world could come to a whole new beginning.
I would think of Jeab and Opp on many a day. I sit alone in my den and look at the pictures on the wall of Jeab and Opp, and me and Jeab together, and there are pictures of Jose, too. I have alienated all of my Thailand-intolerant friends. There is nothing else now but four weeks a year in a place where only shooting stars could have been seen so long ago.
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams do come true
No one I have ever met before and have ever known since has made me feel that happy, save for Jose. I seem now to have lost the trail to my "falling star" boyfriend. If I do not find Jeab, there is little else I can do. I have done the best I can and I have to accept that.
But unfortunately, there isn't another meteor shower scheduled until 2032.
I will be 82.
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