A confession from a bad Thai guy, and I am facing depression

[andyrose]

Hello everyone

From my previous journal entry, I just want to say that I am in Toronto now.
I finally got a place from a Thai landlady.
The price is reasonable and the room is quite comfortable.
Thanks for all of your advice.


In this entry, I would like to ask you for some other advice.
I have been feeling down lately for some reason. I really donтАЩt know exactly why I feel that way.
I have so many things on my mind. I think it might be because of that.


Someone told me I should write it down somewhere. I shouldnтАЩt keep it inside.
It would be better for me to let it out.I have been carrying on for too long, I guess.
ItтАЩs time to make confessions, I believe.

When I first had my American live-in boyfriend, I was only 22 and he was 62.
YeahтАж.yeah, I know the big gap in age between us was 40.
When we were walking down the street together, lots of people looked at us.
He couldnтАЩt care less and neither did I.

Then, I had a German boyfriend, another American boyfriend and a Canadian boyfriend.
There were so many bad things that I did to them. I can recall a few and I feel regret.
Sometimes, I feel very guilty and I wish I could go back and change things.
I used to feel like I had some kind of trauma in my memories from my childhood.
Therefore, I tried to use those people to replace something.

There were some times that I was absolutely struggling and I felt like drowning.
I met my Canadian boyfriend, and he helped me get out of Thailand.
There were papers after papers after papers that I had to fill out.
I donтАЩt remember how many times we wrote back and forth.
I finally got a visa to his country (Canada).

I thought it would be the end of my long journey with suffering.
Instead, it was just the beginning of another disaster.
After that, I married a Dutch guy and our marriage failed terribly.
I would like to make some confessions. I think I am ready to face reality.
I believe it will set me free from my haunted memories. And finally, my spirit can rest in peace.


My question is where or which website can I use to do that?

I want to tell my true stories. And I hope someone will listen to me.
I am looking for a place with lots of traffic so at least my stories will be read by many people.

Which website would you recommend?

Someone advised me to use facebook. I heard about that, but I donтАЩt know how it works.
All advice is appreciated.
Best regards,
Andy

Similar Threads:

• Depression in Thailand
• Disturbing confession of a moneyboy
• Talk farang-thai and Thai friend speaking and thinking

[francois]

Have you considered Dear Abby a well read column in many American newspapers?

[mahjongguy]

Write down all your bad stories. Use as many pages as you like. Then burn them while spinning round and round and chanting "I will never troll again".

[JamesIII]

Hey check out some support groups and join..I live down in Sacramento Ca and we have several gay support goups and helpful..when you get into the group unload all your problems out in the open with the group..helpful very much so like
AA Alanon etc
James

[arsenal]

Yoy were lucky the first time you posted that anyone took you seriously but this...pleeeaaase.

[ainamor]

Someone advised me to use facebook. I heard about that, but I donтАЩt know how it works.

Facebook works just like these forums, but the advantage is that you can make a bigger pratt of yourself to a much wider audience than you have done here.

[catawampuscat]

Silly old farang.
Sure you're depressed and such a bad boy. Stuck in frozen Canada.
Probably based on a Thai boy and perhaps the silly old man is playing out
the horrors the Thai boy did in his interpretation. Such morality and guilt clearly
emanating from a farang. The need to confess, so catholic. Silly
to pretend when it's so obviously written by an old obsessed farang.
There are websites for fiction, just do a search.

[Surfcrest]

My question is where or which website can I use to do that?

Hi Andy,

Sorry for some of the responses so far, we aren't used to seeing many "Thai's" with us and so some members might believe you are a farang posing as a Thai. Fortunately, I can verify that your first posts with us were from Thailand and now you are indeed posting from Toronto, Canada.

Back to your inquiry;

I'm not sure what you've done to think you are "bad", but being depressed about it is not going to help. I'm not even sure whether discussing it with the world on whatever website you chose in the end will help your cause either.

Have you thought of contacting the people you feel guilty towards to express your feelings and to measure their responses? It sounds like you have some issues with each of the guys that you mentioned and that you didn't settle when you broke up with them. Perhaps they feel guilty too with the way things turned out.

I think it is fair to say that Thai's handle relationships differently than "Farangs" and so if you are interested in dating farangs, you may need to behave more like them especially here in Canada.

I hope you're not frozen solid in Toronto, I hear they have an extreme cold advisory these past few days. It's been sunny and warm out here on the west coast (lol).

Surfcrest

[dab69]

not accustomed to the cold and longer dark hours would certainly add to depression,
and interpreted as other causes.

[andyrose]

Thank you everyone for all advice.

Ainamor, thanks for your explanation.
When I create a facebook, can I ask you for more detail please?
I need to know how it works exactly.

Surfcrest, thanks for your information.
You donтАЩt have to say тАЬsorryтАЭ about some of the responses .
Because itтАЩs not really your fault.

Back to the story;

ItтАЩs too complicated to tell you everything right now.
To be honest, I donтАЩt even know if I can really spell it out in a year.
I know deep in my heart, the relationships were ended because of my fault.
Well, I had some personal issues and I was too cowardly to admit it.


I have been running away from the truth.
You know why ?

Because the truth is too painful for me to deal with.
I would like to think otherwise, but the truth is always there.
No matter where I try to go, no matter where I try to hide, it always comes back around me.

ItтАЩs time for me to face it and be able to accept the fact.
And finally, learn to let go and learn to love myself.

Well, someone advised me to talk with the counselor in Toronto. http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/pro ... ssion.html

I did once in 2012, but I wasnтАЩt absolutely being honest to her.
Besides, I donтАЩt want to listen to one opinion or one feedback.

I would like to listen from many people around the world.
I like to read lots of feedbacks.
Because I believe different people may have different opinion.

That is the reason why I am looking for the right website.

Best regards,
Andy