Earwig on the cremation of his young friend

FROM EARWIG/LMTU

Sorry I tried to put this onto Sawatdee but even with new beta handle, it would not work, so if any one is writing over there, please put a link here to thank every one for there kind thoughts and messages at this difficult time.

http://www.sawatdee-gay-thailand.com/fo ... 12447.html

also some one sent me this bartsstop.
http://www.baht-stop.com/forums/index.p ... topic=2511

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Horrendously today the funeral has been taking place in Nog Khai and it was the worst one I have ever seen, I have been to many in and out of Thailand but this ritual of leaving to coffin open while it is burning on what could only be called a Camp Fire sorry about the pun is barbaric, I have been to many in Thailand over the years but they were all guys over 70 who have had a good life the last one of those was hideous enough while we were putting a flower into the open coffin the poor guy was burning away and the flames were coming out of every orifice, this one was the worst things of my life a young guy of 19 his lovely black hair still shining in the sun light, he was sleeping like a baby and then they lit the fire just on the farm, horrendous it was, not my way of saying good bye, but who am I just an onlooker as far as they were concerned, even though IтАЩm sure they knew I was not really his boss, if the truth be known, he was mine, as he was an Alpha Male and he organized everything, as my other Guy does Mr Pattayak who was also crying like me like a baby like all of us.

If you want to really know some one is dead get them buried in Thailand, it is really final! but the chanting and the 12 Monks were amazing, so haunting and calming even so , If you was going to have a funeral, this is the place to do it, but not so basic, but it was there day not mine, we were just there, mainly only in body, our mind was thinking of all the wonderful times we have had together and wishing he was here, then a gust of wind slightly blew in my ear, I knew some how he was there with us, keeping an ever watchful eye on us, well I can dream, itтАЩs the silence now, that is the worst and no laughter from him ever again, so sad. As you can imagine IтАЩm crying even writing this.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts, even though I have had a big
problem even getting in to Sawatdee I have had to go the wow pow beta
way, I hope it works. No it does not, so I have no idea what the problem is, I can write to post but it says 'no such post' when I send it.

Yes my poor baby has been taken from us, not only me but all that loved
him, his family and friends, he was a 1 in a million, He was a Class act so much more I can not bare to think....may be not what
every one would call good looking, but his strength for me was his
heart, they say only the good die young and in this case it was true,
he never had a bad bone in his Body, never even chouted or got angry.... he never said a word they were telling me when the gang passed, he was going to the shop and his happened there one shot in the eye dead.... and he always said to me, I have one
farang and that all I want, like most Boys in town he got chatted up
Incessantly, he was happy he had a look alike working in Euroboys I
think it was, and after that he said this boy can satisfy the farangs
more then I ever can, he was so much, fun and amusing, with a wonderful
easy going caring lovely to be with nature, I Love to party and so did
he.... we were so close together.

The worst of it all is he wanted to come back from Nong Khai just
recently, after being there waiting till I came back to Thailand, I
said ok wait for me as he was starting College in September, after he
lost his Job in Hollywood, when it closed, he use to spend a lot of
time playing Video games, as they do and had no purpose to life, apart
from party when I came and he was so happy, if I was there he
would never be at this Pub visiting his friends, out of boredom and
helping at as door man, as he use to say its not like work, we have a
laugh with friends......... not many farang here.

So there you have it, I cant get him back now, so I have to move on
with out him unfortunately, I still have my small family of guys including Mr Pattaya 2002/3 who many
also get him mixed up with Ole, he was helping with all the funeral
Arrangements as Ole Family are beside them self, when you loose some
one so close you never really know how your going to react some one
sent me a picture that was printed in the paper, up side down and he
had turned it around, I thought it was him alive waiting for the
doctor, but when I looked he was dead and rigger mortise set in, and
thats when it really hit me, once again sorry I have not answered all
your many over 70 so far emails and personal messages personally yet,
but I had to send a blanket email as there was far to many.

I hope to see you all soon some where, don't be afraid to chat, I
don't really bite, even those on here I have had a disagreement with,
to me its just a debate I never get angry with any one, unless they
tell lies and half truths about me, that hurts my friends and family, but that comes with the territory.
they never want to hear both sides of the story.

Thanks once again for your heart felt condolences and I can feel your
love I hope you can feel mine coming back at you all. writing about it
really is helping, I hope you donтАЩt mind me sharing this with you all. Please bare with me it helps a lot to write it down and a problem shared is half a problem.

God Bless you all in our funny Gay family, on Patatyya Gay forums.... I love you all really, yes even Catty. and Rainbow. and you GB for being so patient with me.Lately.....

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I am very sorry to learn that the traditional Isaan cremation ceremony of your tragically lost friend came was such a shocking experience to you. Someone should have introduced you to this very special ritual before.

A brief explanation about the traditional Isaan cremation ceremony:

Given the importance of death in Buddhist thought, the funeral is the most important rite of passage in north-eastern Thai villages. Buddhist monks officiate and it is the only rite of passage recognized as a solely Buddhist ritual. Death marks the passage of the life-force into the next life, whether that be in hell, in heaven, or on Earth as animal, spirit, or human. The funeral procession and cremation are overseen by monks. Buddhist laity participates in rituals of transferring merit to the dead, while monks chant their blessings.

In Isaan, nothing can be that dismal or the tradition would have died out long ago. Here, the corpse is prepared inside a gaudy casket (with flickering lights) only Liberace could appreciate. The casket is installed in the living room of the deceased and the entire gathering is commenced here.

For those new to Thai gatherings, be it births, weddings, new homes or funerals; be prepared for a lot of sitting under tents and eating. Those most distinguished celebrants will sit in the front-most table as it is likely to have to best alcohol, the best visibility, and (most importantly) be most visible to the less-prominent attendees.

Monks chant blessings in the morning and then partake of their daily meal. Many of the monks are young men and boys who have just ordained for the day to make merit for their departed relative. After the monks have finished eating, it's a mad dash for the food.

At the auspicious time predetermined by a senior monk, everyone lines up and is predominately dressed in black or white; anything but red. A large portrait of the deceased is usually carried in front, followed by the monks and the family grasping one long piece of holy white string (bai sii). The string is tied onto the front of a pickup truck, which is equipped with loudspeakers to play a sort of Thai dirge. In the back of the pickup is the enormous casket in all its splendour. Then everyone else trails the truck. The bittersweet procession walks several kilometres from the deceased's house to the nearest cremation ground.

The cremation ground is often flanked by rice paddies and large stalks of bamboo. Able-bodied family members assist in carefully disassembling the casket and then unloading the casket onto a pre-made stack of wood. Before the uppermost casing is placed on top family members and close friends walk past to say their final respects and anoint the body with fresh coconut milk.

After final reassembly of the coffin, monks begin their final round of chanting with the aid of a (very) loudspeaker. The women and children sit on the ground segregated from the men. By this point in the day, numerous bottles of lao khao (rice whiskey) have been imbibed by the men folk. Most sit in a drunken daze, smoking cigarettes, playing cards or questionably shooting off fireworks. This is all within yards of the corpse.

In Asia, photos are not deemed worthy of taking unless they have photos of family and friends in every shot. Photos of the nuances in Thai religious architecture will be found quite dull unless you have grandma and all the cousins in each shot. At funerals the same practice goes in effect. The close family members of the deceased will take turns posing in front of the casket with various friends, colleagues and relations.

Once the monks have finished chanting, then they proceed to the coffin for a final blessing and to receive new robes as a sort of payment for their service. Everyone then proceeds en masse to lay down flowers, candles, or a small piece of fragrant Sandalwood at the base of the casket.

Next the drunken men do what they have been waiting all day to do. Cans of gasoline are brought out and the casket is drenched and set ablaze. The entire ceremony ends as the next of kin begin to throw candy into the crowd; another instance of making merit. In the past coins were sometimes tossed. It must have been painful for the casual onlooker to be struck with a fistful of coins. Candy is a safer option, but when you have a platoon of inebriated men playing with fire, a flying baht in the forehead doesn't seem so scary.

Now the burden is on the men is the keep the fire going for the next several days. If the fire goes out before total cremation of the bones, then the men have to get the fire started again, naked! Thanks to lao khao and a tendency towards pyromania, this unique rite is seldom, if ever, seen.

I can not begin to describe how this has affected me and I cannot beging to imagine how badly you feel. The closest thing to this would be the loss of my brother a couple years age. I met your friend a couple of times and always thought he was a great guy but never really got to know him well. My heart goes out to you and his family. The descritpion of the service devastated me but I know he was gone and just his shell remained so he felt nothing. I have lost a couplfriends there do to motorcycle accidents but nothinghas compared to this. My thoughts are with you .

You’ll never loose someone you love. He will always be with you.

Maybe you don’t get him on his mobile phone but you still hear his voice, remember his smell, feel his touch, and love his smile. This will always be with you.
Be grateful for any happy moment you've shared together.

[Lunchtime O'Booze]

and full of honesty.

I've always been amused JB..watching others have little goes about your spelling and writing..yet you a really a poet in the purest form and a master of spoken English.

Strangely-this haunting description has comforted me.

We are all think of you John, dear friend.

It will get better over time.

###JB ass on my love to Nom..I know how fond he was of Ole. It's a great testemant to your character JB that both lads were happy and comfortable round you. i've seen both their faces light up when you would arrive somewhere to collect them from work or a friend's place. One is still with you in body-the other certainly in spirit.

[Aunty]

Yes that was a very touching post. Let us hope, in the words of one of my favourite Haiku, LMTU's young friend will:-

Now as a spirit
I shall roam
the summer fields

Probably a fitting peom that was (I believe) posted on this forum a few weeks ago!

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumnтАЩs rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

[Dodger]

LMTU,

For some reason I'm compelled to call you by you real name at this moment, as this is a real moment, but will not.

The last time we sat together I watched the sparkles dancing in your eyes every time you mentioned HIM. The longer you spoke about HIM, the more pronounced your feelings became, even if it was not your intention to expose them. I saw, for the first time, a glimpse inside you that spoke volumes about your true nature and the joy you were experiencing in your life having bonded with someone as special as HIM.

Kahlil Gibran wrote about the direct and unchangeable interrelationship between "joy & sorrow" in his first publicized works "The Profit." He went on to explain how these two significant human emotions are bound together and could not survive without each other. Both expose themselves in absolute equal proportions, as all things in life have a way of showing their true balance over time.

I can only imagine the amount of sorrow you are feeling right now, and can only hope that you can accept HIS passing forward in life, and move forward in your own life, as HE wants you to. The spark that HE put in your life was the source of the sparkles I saw in your eyes, and I hope to see those sparkles once again, even it they're dancing behind flowing tears. My personal feelings about this have caused my own tears to flow, and I didn't even know him. I guess it's the part of HIM I saw in YOU.

Your friend,

Vic

[Wesley]

May God be with you in all you do, knowing that in His passing he lives on in you and all who will remember him, in their hearts. My greatest sympathies go out to you as I sit here I cry with you my friend. Just know you were loved and still are. This by far is not The end, but rather, the beginning!

Wesley

[bao-bao]

I have lived through the senseless, abrupt loss of a lover also, LMTU. It takes a long time for an emotional wound like this to heal, but the passing of time will ease the pain.

I encourage you to talk it out and accept that grieving is a natural process: cry, shout, sleep a lot, put on 20 pounds, whatever helps - just beware of "artificial comforts" like alcohol, as they slow the process.

Work through it in your own way, with no shame or self-consciousness - it really does help. It never goes away, but it does get better.

The feelings of loss will lessen as the sun sets on on this dark time of grieving, and your treasured memories will be the warm colors of a new day.

I wish you serenity and peace in this time of emotional chaos.

Hang in there. I really feel for you today.