Advice for long-term needed...

[cdnmatt]

Hey everyone,

Was wondering if some of you Thailand verterans would be willing to provide some advice. I've spent a total of say 10 months in Thailand, so I'm not new, but nonetheless. Back in Pattaya right now, and I've tried the long-term relationship thing a few times before, but it's just never worked out. Neither of us did anything wrong, and they treated me the same as I treated them, which is extremely well. They always took good care of me, but they always seen it as a job.

I met this new 19yo guy recently though, and out of all the boys I've met in Thailand, he's the only one I've ever actually liked. And I mean, LIKED. I don't know, just simply being around him makes me happy. :-) He's brand new to Pattaya though (which is probably why I like him so much -- hasn't been hardened by the bars yet), and I've been told I'm the only customer he's ever had. Whether or not that's true, I have no idea. I do know he's new to Pattaya though, because he can't speak a lick of English. The only words he knows right now are "yes", "no", and "good". That can be solved though, so no worries there.

And I know he likes me too, at least somewhat. He's genuinely gay, and genuinely attracted to me (for example, he won't even leave me alone when I'm trying to sleep, as he keeps molesting me). You know, hanging out at the karokee bar with some of his friends, and it's somewhat like we're actually together. I'm sure a good amount of that is just a show for my money, but don't think all of it is. I'm 27, look much younger, no Brad Pitt but fairly decent looking, nice guy, well composed, good hygiene, etc.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. So, I want him for long-term, but I'm a little unsure how this all works here. Do I just offer him to live with me, and offer to pay him say 500 baht per day (15,000/month)? I've been told the average go-go boy without customers makes 3000/month, so I think that's reasonable, no? Or is that too cheap? I don't need or want sex every night, have a really nice 1bdrm condo, he'll have his own key so he can come and go as he wants, if he wants I can get him an English tutor, and myself a Thai tutor, etc.

Right now I've been paying him 3000/baht per night, which obviously, I'm not going to keep doing. I don't mind taking care of him financially though. I'm no millionaire, but I make enough. Regardless, whatever he costs me for himself, his "family problems", English tutor, and whatever else, guaranteed it'll be far cheaper than my ex-husband, so I'm not complaining. :-)

I don't know, I just really enjoy being around him, and want him as part of my life for the next good while. I've heard lots of people having long-term relationships with boys here that last years, but have no idea how to evolve a one-night stand with a go-go boy into something more long-term. And I want something more than just him looking at me as a customer who he needs to take care of. Do I actually have to pay him X amount every month, forever? Or is there any chance of something more? You know, just say whenever you need some cash, let me know, kinda thing, and have more of an actual relationship with him?

Or I don't know, am I just still completely naive and clueless? :P Wow, what a long post! Sorry about that. Any advice though would be greatly appreciated, as I'm a bit in the dark about this.

Cheers guys!

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[Dani69]

3000 a night wow a lot.I would have thought 3000 a week would be closer to the mark as long as you feed him and buy stuff etc.
But good luck ..

cdnmatt,

I think you're doing everything perfectly. You are a lucky dog indeed to have found someone so wonderful in Pattaya. Stay the course and don't be influenced by all the flak you are bound to get here one way or the other. :thumbright:

[francois]

3000, 4000, 5000 TB/week is a reasonable amount to pay him to get out of the bar business, depending on what provisions you are making for him regarding lodging. Of course there will be more expenditures such as a motorbike, cell phone and education. Be sure it is clear between he and you that he is not doing other farang, unless that is ok with you.

[cdnmatt]

Be sure it is clear between he and you that he is not doing other farang, unless that is ok with you.

Yeah, already thought about that. Will make sure to make it clear that if I ever see him working in a go-go bar, or with another farang, he'll never see me again. Simple as that. The rest is up to him.

Anyway, thanks for all the comments guys. They're appreciated!

[Khor tose]

This is one of the board's better moments. I think everyone has given you great advice. I would only add that while he is learning English you might consider learning Thai so can you be a bigger part of his life in Thailand.

[a447]

Or is there any chance of something more? You know, just say whenever you need some cash, let me know, kinda thing,

If you REALLY want to know how much he cares about you (as opposed to your bank balance), why don't you ask him
a)if you can have a relationship where money is not a factor i.e. you do not give him any money
or
b) ask him outright how much he wants and, most importantly, get him to justify the amount to you.

He's brand new to Pattaya though (which is probably why I like him so much -- hasn't been hardened by the bars yet), and I've been told I'm the only customer he's ever had.

I met a 19 year old in Bangkok who told me he had only just started working in the bar ( all the bar boys seem to say 3 months, for some reason) but it was obvious that he was VERY, VERY experienced and had been around the traps a lot longer than that. Although he may be new in Pattaya, where was he before that??

he won't even leave me alone when I'm trying to sleep, as he keeps molesting me

That in itself may be a good start. I wish you luck here. But I must admit that a number of guys have been insatiable in bed but they sure didn't love ME. It was something else they were after! 3000 baht a night is a lot and he now might see that as the benchmark and you may have trouble climbing down from that amount. If he puts up any argument when you tell him 3000 is unsustainable, you'll know where you stand with him.

have no idea how to evolve a one-night stand with a go-go boy into something more long-term.

That's where the money discussion has to take place. I also have no idea. If you find out, let me know! Keep a cool head in all of this.
All the best.

[Dodger]

cdnMatt,

The biggest road block in farang/Thai boy long term relationships is, without question, the age gap. and at your young age I think you have a great opportunity as long as you evaluate, and draw some real conclusions, regarding your expectations of the relationship.

I imagine your bf would be happy with a monthly income of 20-30,000 baht if living with you on a full-time basis, although going from your current tipping amount of 3,000 baht to 500 baht may be pushing it. One thing you need to consider is the fact that he is still a working boy, and doing so strickly for the money. If by chance he left the working boy circuit to reside with you full-time for the purose of cultivating a meaningful relationship, then the money part would have to be re-evaluated taking an approach which is mutually agreeable based on your expectations going forward.

Another factor you will need to consider is the off fee for the bar he works for. You should be able to negotiate a reasonable monthly off fee considering the current economic conditions, of 5,000 - 6,000 baht or so. Of course if the boy quit his job at the bar there would be no off fee to deal with, although I would never suggest this until you have spent sufficient time together to see if this makes sense. And frankly, I would suggest a period of 2 years minimum.

I'm not sure if you stated you were a full-time resident of LOS or not, because of course this throws another set of dynamics into play. If you are a vistor and take on the responsibilties of a full-time/long term relationship, you will have to send monthly payments to your bf for the obvious financial support. I imagine most boys would be satisfied with 8,000 - 12,000 bt.month, although there are no gaurantees that the money you are sending will be enough as time goes on. Most of us here (at least the honest ones) have been through this before and experienced the numerous things that pop up where extra cash is needed, e.g., water buffalo dies in the mud, grandmas in the hospital, motorbikes broken, etc. and these extra costs can add up.

Most importanly, is the fact that your age is definately in your favor. Like in any relationship, the element of time is critical where you both have the opportunity to get to truly know each other. In relationships with Thai boys, this element of "time" is a mandatory prerequisite. Regardless if he speaks English or not makes absolutely no difference in the big equation, asThai boys have an inherent sense of understanding how to make money on the working scene and are the best actors on the planet regardles of their language skliis. What they can't master with words - they will master with that body language which we all know too well.

Go for it - but be careful. Take a concious inventory of your short and long term expections and make sure you can afford it, as in Thai culture in general, without the money, the component of Love (as in our cultural definition) has no meaning.

mai pen rai

If you're giving the boy 3,000 baht a day - and, presumably, feeding him and buying him drinks as well, he's going to cling to you, literally and figuratively, for that reason alone. Such largese will make you glamorous in his eyes, on top of the purely economic factor. This doesn't mean he doesn't have any genuine feelings for you, but who can know - perhaps not even him. It's not a great place from which to start a long term relationship.

If you don't live in Thailand, I'd advise you to spoil him, enjoy his company, but make no promises of any kind. Not even to see him again. If you're in love, or think you are, you'll ignore this advice - and who knows, maybe it'll work out. If you do enter a real relationship, then it will not be a question of paying him, but supporting him (and to some extent, his family). If he expects a daily allowance which is more than pocket money, I'm afraid it's the folding stuff he loves, and not you.

I'ts really up to you how much you pay your PROSTITUTE and wether you call him your BOYFRIEND like a lot of the other posters do. But remember one thing, If you had no money he would be with someone else.