Back in the early 1980's, before the days of fax machines, mobile phones - and speed humps.. I ran a little courier business.

There were a surprisingly large number of printers, publishers and graphic arts companies in the area where I lived, and many of their clients were in London - about an hour's drive away.

Every morning I loaded up proofs, plates, artwork, boxes of stationary, blunt guillotine blades - all the paraphernalia of the trade - and headed into town, always aiming to get back before the evening rush hour.

Then one day I got a job to go to Wellington Rd in Stamford Hill - the home of George Harrison-Marks. Through George I got to know all the porn barons in London, and I soon found myself trusted to deliver all sorts of exotic items around the capital - including suitcases of cash..

It was enormous fun - all the players in the trade were slightly eccentric, and the photoshoots were delightfully matter-of-fact..

..getting paid was always a struggle mind, but they could be hugely generous when they were flush..

I digress..

I was musing about a certain paradox - why are girls so much better at giving BJ's than boys? You'd think that with the benefit of knowing what it feels like, your average bar boy would have the girls licked (not literally, mind..)

I can only assume that the girls talk to each other about technique, and for them of course the quicker they can bring a guy off, the quicker they can get paid and look for the next customer, which is less often the case with boys.

So my thoughts turned to the need for training - how to keep your teeth out of the way, how to make best use of lips and tongue - and the importance of not backing off as your client ejaculates.

And then my thoughts went back to my wild old days in London, and I thought - 'that would make a bloody good theme for a skin-flick'

Properly scripted and cast, but filmed to look like a fly-on-the-wall documentary: "Bar boy training" perhaps..

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