Everything happens for a reason, I guess?

[cdnmatt]

Think I got myself into a bit of a mess again. Been chatting with a guy basically daily for about 7 or 8 months now. He just finished his exams today, has his passport now, and is planning to come shortly. Cool deal, except... yeah, what a cock-up this is.

He's a great guy, and no problems with him, except he's looking for an actual relationship. That's fine, except a) he's only 21, so great age for a gik (fuck buddy), but too young for an actual relationship, and b) he's as poor as they come. Not that being poor is a bad thing, but they're generally more needy. That, and just too immature.

I can't say no to him though. Three times now I've politely told him to go away, but he's a persistent little bugger. He comes from a rough life -- you know, when he tells me he came home to find some food, he doesn't mean he's going through the fridge to see what there is. He means he's going out in the yard to catch frogs, or snails, or gather some bamboo, or whatever. He has an alcoholic father who on the rare occasion will slap him around, parents are seperated, etc.

So how do you say no to someone like that when they tell you they need you? I've backed off from the relationship angle now completely, although I know full well he's going to try and seduce the shit out of me. Nonetheless, I have an extra bedroom here and everything, so as long as I keep some ground rules in place, can't really see the harm. He's coming from a rough place any way, so having a nice comfortable home, with loads of good food always in the fridge is kinda the humane thing to do. A little extra food, and a few extra hundred baht for electric is hardly going to break the bank for me.

Let's just hope I can stay firm, and keep my guard up when needed. I tend to be too nice for my own good, and many people take kindness for weakness.

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[Faranglaw]

He has a passport so that implies he's crossing a border, but your profile says you are in Khon Khaen? Where are you, actually, and where is he coming from?

You might want to stay open to a real relationship if he has some kind of education. I'm just writing from my own experience, so it may well have no connection whatever with your wants or needs. But... When I met my Thai partner, he was from a poorer background too, not as desperate as your guy, but very modest. He was in a Bachelor's program in business. He was also 21.

Now we are married and living happily in Canada. He is 44 and I am 66. It was full of extreme difficulty for us to even be together, and the first couple of years here in Canada were tough and I almost lost him to the temptations of all these farang here. But here's the thing... 21 year olds become 27, then 33, then 40. They often mature beautifully into fine men, especially with the help of someone experienced in life.

So now my formerly young and immature husband has his own business, his English has vastly improved, and our cross-cultural understanding remains challenging at times, but we are together for life. I'm not even sure how this happened to me, but I'm glad I was open to it happening.

I'm just saying... if you think you might be able to fall in love with each other honestly and tenderly, maybe, just maybe it's worth softening up a bit and being open to something more.

[goji]

He comes from a rough life -- you know, when he tells me he came home to find some food, he doesn't mean he's going through the fridge to see what there is. He means he's going out in the yard to catch frogs, or snails, or gather some bamboo, or whatever. He has an alcoholic father who on the rare occasion will slap him around, parents are separated, etc.

There I am thinking the first part of this sounds like he is exaggerating, but if I was French, those delicacies would be passed off as real food in restaurants.

Have you actually met in person yet ?

[Nirish guy]

Sounds like another one of your drama's about to unfold, I just wouldn't bother if I were you and thus just save us all having to type the "we told you so" posts, but I'm guessing you know all of this already hence your own post in the first place.

[christianpfc]

My troll-meter is at full reading.

"Been chatting with a guy basically daily for about 7 or 8 months now"
Let's take this literally: 8 months x 30 days that's 240 separate conversations and you haven't met the boy! In my experience, I have at maximum 20 separate conversations with a boy, then either I or the boys gives up and we never meet.

"has his passport now, and is planning to come shortly."
Passport from which country? Given that passport and traveling costs money, inconsistent with poverty. Coming for what? Funding for the trip?

"He comes from a rough life -- you know, when he tells me he came home to find some food, he doesn't mean he's going through the fridge to see what there is. He means he's going out in the yard to catch frogs, or snails, or gather some bamboo, or whatever"
How can he afford mobile phone or computer or internet cafe to chat with you daily? I know a few poor boys, they have a dumbphone (no Line or other chat program), and a few have no phone at all because they can't afford phone and fees for calling or data.

"Nonetheless, I have an extra bedroom here and everything..."
Elsewhere you wrote (correct me if I got that wrong) you take your local boys to short time hotels and boys don't even know where you live. Inconsistent?

[cdnmatt]

My troll-meter is at full reading.

Hi Sweetie. Doesn't surprise me you showed up.

Let's take this literally: 8 months x 30 days that's 240 separate conversations and you haven't met the boy!

Nope, not yet. He's been in Laos, going to school, and tending to his farm.

Passport from which country? Given that passport and traveling costs money, inconsistent with poverty. Coming for what? Funding for the trip?

I sent him $200 via Western Union a while back to get a passport, and to help.

How can he afford mobile phone or computer or internet cafe to chat with you daily? I know a few poor boys, they have a dumbphone (no Line or other chat program), and a few have no phone at all because they can't afford phone and fees for calling or data.

One of the many questions I still have myself. I don't know, but he's definitely poor. During video chats I can see the tin scaffolding for his roof, and things like that. Plus he's sent me more than enough photographs to prove himself. On the flip side, I do know he does have a laptop with a 1 TB hard drive (he sent photos when re-installing Windows), he sent a photo of himself once wearing the same shirt I have, which I know full well is a 1800 baht shirt, etc. So I have no idea right now.

Elsewhere you wrote (correct me if I got that wrong) you take your local boys to short time hotels and boys don't even know where you live. Inconsistent?

For giks, yes, we go to a curtain motel. Hence the post. He's not a gik, and allowing someone into my home is a big thing for me.

[Faranglaw]

Sounds like another one of your drama's about to unfold, I just wouldn't bother if I were you and thus just save us all having to type the "we told you so" posts, but I'm guessing you know all of this already hence your own post in the first place.

Meoww... Or as Dorothy Parker said, "If you can't say something nice, come sit next to me."

[cdnmatt]

Sounds like another one of your drama's about to unfold, I just wouldn't bother if I were you and thus just save us all having to type the "we told you so" posts, but I'm guessing you know all of this already hence your own post in the first place.

Yep. Who would have thought simply finding someone to love and be loved back by would be this difficult, eh? Hell, making money is far easier than making love work.

Fuck it, he's coming now though. Told him politely to go away three times now, the most recent being about 72 hours ago, but he simply won't take no. And I fully believe everything he tells me, and have no reason to believe he's lieing to me.

I could be a dick and tell him straight up, "NO, DO NOT COME", but I don't have the heart for it. I have every reason to trust what he's saying is the truth, and in that case, if he just needs a comfortable home with lots of food to hang out at for 6 months while he finds himself, then I'm happy to provide it. I know he's hoping for some "Romeo & Juliet" type romance, but that's just not going to happen.

Best I can figure is he can hang out here, be comfortable, no worries of being slapped around, all the food he wants, maybe we become "room mates with benefits" type of thing for a while, and in 6 months or so he'll head off and find his own way in life. *shrug*

Fucked if I know...

[fountainhall]

He's a great guy, and no problems with him, except he's looking for an actual relationship. That's fine, except a) he's only 21, so great age for a gik (fuck buddy), but too young for an actual relationship, and b) he's as poor as they come. Not that being poor is a bad thing, but they're generally more needy. That, and just too immature.

I thought you were already in a relationship - but clearly I got that wrong. As for this guy, it seems clear from your first statements that a relationship with this guy is the last thing you want. What you don't say is if you have actually met him. Chatting daily is no substitute for making sure the chemistry between two guys actually works. What if you just don't click? You're in a real jam.

I can't say no to him though. Three times now I've politely told him to go away, but he's a persistent little bugger . . So how do you say no to someone like that when they tell you they need you?

Sorry, but saying 'NO' is really not that difficult! It's easy, in fact, if you do it early enough. Let things go on as they have and you may be trying to get rid of a screaming, howling, mini-monster who is already living with you.

as long as I keep some ground rules in place, can't really see the harm

Sorry, again - WRONG! When a guy is this persistent, there is something out of place. You don't yet know what it is and I suggest you don't want to find out.

OK, story time. Years ago I chatted on camfrog with a really nice student in your neck of the woods, Khon Kaen. He looked great, was fun to chat to and really keen to chat every evening. And yes, I enjoyed it, too. A few months later, a friend was going to visit Khon Kaen and asked if I'd like to join him. So I arranged to meet this guy in the lobby of my hotel for drinks. If we liked each other, maybe more would happen. If not, we'd say goodbye after the drinks.

Well, blow me, he comes with his aunt! So I get drinks for three, we have a little chat, then the aunt says she has to go shopping and suggests her nephew and I go to my room! End result, it is clear this cute guy is pretty much of a novice in the sex department. Just wanted to try it out with a farang I guess. But he then said he loved me! And until I could finally get him out of the hotel, he insisted we meet up again. Let me stress that apart from the drinks, there was no money involved and certainly none requested.

From then on I was bombarded with messages daily. I started with nice excuses - we live too far apart, I travel too much, I want a bf in Bangkok not long distance etc. None of it worked. This nice, sweet guy was just not going to give up. Then he discovered me on gay romeo. After a few months of all this pestering, most of time time with me not responding, he went to Pattaya for a family holiday. Again message after message. By now, I was being very blunt and had told him endlessly I was 100% not interested. Then I was surprised to get a message from French guy. He referred to the boy from Khon Kaen whom he had obviously been meeting, called me every f--ing, c--t name under the sun for the appalling way "you have treated your boyfriend" and I deserved to die! Huh? "Boyfriend?" He then put me on his banned list.

At first that really pissed me off. But then I realised this guy was finally off my back. Glory! Hallelujah! Peace for the first time in months.

I tend to be too nice for my own good, and many people take kindness for weakness.

Precisely. In the light of my experiences, I would never - repeat never - let anyone near my home unless I had met him first and had time to assess him and his personality on a one-to-one basis. It's far from foolproof - but it's at least a step in ensuring you will not end up with a leech of a personality and you'll go through hell getting rid of him!

On the other hand, though, he might become the love of your life. We await the next instalments.

[catawampuscat]

Obviously, you're lonely and miserable. Reality check, We are not your friends.
You need friends to talk to