I never get out of bed this early on a Sunday morning. I just woke up during the tail-end of a dream that had me perspiring, and IтАЩll spend the rest of the day thinking about how it ended.
My BF, who IтАЩll refer to as Tape, was standing in front of the large mirror in our bedroom brushing his hair and doing those little self-smiles the boys do when theyтАЩre flirting with themselves. Two other boys, who were total strangers to me, were sitting on the foot of my bed taking their clothes off in a slow and seducing manner. The scene was apparently set for a little manage aтАЩquad, as my BF remained focused on his smiles in the mirror.
The first boy stood up for a minute to undue his belt buckle and just let his black hip-hugger jeans fall to the ground. A second later, his skimpy white bikini briefs were flying through the air aimed at a lonely looking wooden chair sitting in the corner of the room. He had a face like an angel, long shoulder-length jet black hair, a slim and perfectly defined body and a masterpiece between his legs that hug low and heavy, with a shiny pink tip protruding from itтАЩs dark brown uncut shell as if it were about to come alive and start eating everything in the room. The second boy, who was also a doll, appeared a bit shy, but followed the same routine until he was standing in front of me naked with his half-hard cock bobbing in the wind.
Every cell in my body seemed to be captured by the magnet of these two angels. I wanted them so bad at that moment that I almost forgot that Tape was standing in the same room тАУ within arms reach тАУ watching my every move in the reflection of the mirror.
The plan, I think, was for all four of us to get tangled up together, but Tape just remained in a firm stance in front of the mirror. When the two boys started undressing me I felt this flurry of emotions. Not just sexual exhilaration, but more surprisingly, a mixed sense of confusion and regret. I love my BF and had never shared him with anyone before. I thought that he loved me and wouldnтАЩt want to share me either. Was this going to be the sexual highlight of my holiday тАУ or an episode that I would regret the rest of my life?
I was being torn in half at that point. I could tell by the glances of Tapes expression reflecting in the mirror that he was bothered by this. ItтАЩs when he finally turned away from the mirror and walked towards the bed to join us that I saw the truth. He was smiling, but it was the wrong kind of smile. Thai boys have a thousand different Smiles, each being a true reflection of their inner-most emotions at that precise moment in time. To know the true meaning of a Thai boys Smile, you have to see inside his soul. This particular Smile is what IтАЩll categorize as, the тАЬAcceptance & Complacency SmileтАЭ. He was not happy, or even in agreement with the situation, although willing to accept his role with humility and focus-on тАУtask.
The final decision was mine, and mine only. In a mega-second I had to decide which way it was going to be. Go for the gold, and become entangled in the arms (and legs) of these beautiful boys, or not. I remember pulling away from the shy boy who already had his lips around my cock тАУ and the other, who was chuk waowing a few inches away from my face, and I just sat there. Tape had sat next to me on the bed and already had his shirt buttons undone. I just looked at him. I could see behind his Smile тАУ and I believe he could see behind mine. I took him in my arms and we remained locked in each others holds until the two boys had enough time to get their clothes back on. We started kissing passionately, although it wasnтАЩt sexually passionate kissingтАжit was a desperate type of passion.
So, there you have it. My entire Trip Report in one simple DreamтАжLOL.
I always believed that dreams are significant. Well, at least this one was for me, because, after thinking deeply about each phase of the dream, I could see a direct parallel between my subconscious emotions in the dream тАУ and the feelings and emotions I experienced consciously during my last holiday. I wanted to Butterfly, but didnтАЩt want to lose HIM.
The plans he and I had for this past holiday were wonderful, almost beyond description. A wedding next to the waterfalls of Koh Han, a joyous celebration with his family and friends in the jungle setting of Si Saket, a fly-away honeymoon at a romantic seaside bungalow on Koh SamuiтАжdoes it get any better than that? Well, unfortunately, none of that happened. IтАЩm still smiling mind you, although IтАЩm afraid itтАЩs another one of those тАЬAcceptance & ComplacencyтАЭ types againтАжfor a while anyway.
This would be a lot easier to explain if I could just blame it all on him, but silly lies wonтАЩt get me anywhere. The fact is, I blew it, and I blew it almost immediately upon my arrival in LOS. Two days after our reunion in PTY, I pulled a brilliant stunk and left a karaoke bar with another boy, who I then took back to my condo for sex. To make matters worse, it was a friend of Tapes. When I consider all the experience IтАЩve gained over the years with Thai boys, I find it hard to believe I was that stupid. Having sex with another boy on the eve of my wedding, in-and-by-itself, wasnтАЩt the end of the world, at least the way I approach things in life, but by doing this with a boy who was within my BFтАЩs circle of friends was a disaster. After spending months telling his family and friends about his wedding, he now had lost total face with everyone around him.
Tape was angry with me and the boy who I slithered out of the club with. He packed his things and left the condo immediately. All this time I was worried about him having relationships with other people, or going off with farangs for money, or having another BF on-the-side, whatever, and it turned out to be me that bit the big cookie.
We stayed apart for a few days following this episode which was one of the darkest periods of my life. His friends kept telling me to go see him тАУ that he was depressed and wanted to see me, but this was a hard nut to crack. When I heard that he went back to work again as a waiter at a local gogo bar it felt like someone had just stabbed me in the chest with an ice pick. Then I became angry. I felt that if this is what he wantedтАжfine, I would just start to enjoy myself on the Butterfly path again and be done with it. Easily said, but not easily done.
Before launching on my Butterfly crusade, I went to a beer bar where a few of his closest friends worked to have a drink. No, actually, I didnтАЩt go there for the drink, I just went there to get the scoop on what Tape was doing. His friends circled me, and with a real sense of concern and seriousness, encouraged me to go see him. They said that Tape, after spending a few days sitting inside his room, decided to work as a waiter, although had no intentions of going off with a farang for fear of really losing me forever. I know тАУ I know, weтАЩve all heard this shit a thousand times over, but for some reason it made sense to me. Tape and I were at a very critical junction, and a mistake by either party at this point would off-set any possibilities of us getting back together again.
I talked to several of my farang friends, including a few who are probably reading this now, who informed me that they saw Tape working again, although he was just serving drinks and spending most of his time sitting on a chair outside the place with a sulking look on his face. After hearing this I decided to make the first move, one in which I would deeply regret.
When I walked into the bar I spotted him sitting with two of his friends in the corner. At first glance, he appeared depressed looking, and was postured sitting on a stool with his head hung low, and he wasnтАЩt dressed for the place at all. IтАЩve always loved his taste in clothing, as he never walks out of the condo without making a fashion statement, but this night was different. His hair looked as if it wasnтАЩt even brushed and he was wearing an oversized bar T shirt that didnтАЩt even look pressed. He was definitely not having a good time.
I took a seat on the other side of the bar away from the action and ordered a drink. The mamasan immediately trotted over and started urging me to buy Tape a drink. I turned down the offer and said I wasnтАЩt staying long. Then Tape did something that really blew me away. Here I am hoping that heтАЩd come dashing across the bar with tears streaming down his face тАУ like the blonde did in the movie South Pacific when her French lover returned from the war - and fall into my arms, but conversely, he walked straight over to a farang who was seated directly in front of me, and started snuggling up close to him. WowтАжwhat a great time I was havingтАжLOL.
I quickly finished my drink (actually, I gulped the fucking thing down so fast I had it dripping off my chin) and smiled at the mamasan (that A&C smile again), as and walked out the door. I was no more than a few steps from the place and two of Tapes friends started tugging on my arms to stop. They were babbling things likeтАжplease you come backтАжhe only do to make you jealousтАжhe cry too much for youтАжblah, blah, blah. I tried to look as if I was not bothered by the scene I just witnessed and politely declined their offer.
The next morning my phone rang at 8:00 AM and it was him. This was a real shock, as he normally doesnтАЩt even open his eyes until 11:00 AM, and thatтАЩs only to make a trip to the bathroom so he can go poo poo without me hearing him with the music on. He asked me тАЬkhun sabaidee maiтАЭ, and I told him, not too sabaidee. He asked me if I was alone and I told him I was. He sounded relieved and asked me if he could come to see me, and I said тАжmost definitely.
We talked for several hours which led to us getting back together again, but the next few weeks were on-again тАУ off-again. We also had to explain the circumstances to his parents when they came to visit us which resulted in another very dark moment. Not only did my BF lose face when I cheated on him, but his family was now about to lose face back in their village. The people in those small towns in remote areas like Isaan donтАЩt have a lot to look forward to in life. They just seem to survive day-by-day, moment-by-moment, focusing on tending to their gardens and feeding their families in a repetitious cyclic existence. When something special happens, like when a farang from Neptune lands his spacecraft in their rice paddy for the purpose of throwing a party for the neighborhoodтАжthatтАЩs something they donтАЩt easily forget. Well, due to our decision to postpone our wedding until April of next year, his family was placed in a very embarrassing situation.
IтАЩve had a lot to deal with lately, but try to stop myself from feeling bad for myself considering how much IтАЩve hurt those I love so much.
Before all the nay sayers and trolls (is there a difference?) jump on the bandwagon with your whips drawn, IтАЩll tell you straight out that IтАЩm fully aware of the potential pitfalls of having a relationship like this and wonтАЩt gain any value from hearing about how foolish my actions are. I know I live 10,000 miles away from him тАУ I know heтАЩs old enough to be my son тАУ I know he earned a living as a prostitute, and really donтАЩt care This is my life and I will live it the way I see fit.
After we got the admissions to the family out of the way and a few more good fights under our belts, things seemed to start improving incrementally. We started buying more food at the grocery store and eating out less often. We took a trip up North to visit the family and enjoyed the time we had together in an environment away from the glittery lights of Sexville. The highlight of our time together was a trip to Koh Samet. IтАЩm not sure if it could compete with the type of highlight I moistened my sheets with in that dream last night, but it was splendidтАжLOL I decided to splurge and rented an ocean front bungalow at the remote and exclusive Aou Prao Resort. I donтАЩt even want to tell you how much it cost for fear that youтАЩll really think IтАЩve flipped my lid. But it was worth every satang.
I sat one morning alone on the rocks writing him a letter. I guess after a few days of solitude trying to unravel the emotions of the past month, it just seemed natural to try to put my feelings into words. I laid the letter next to the bed while he was still sleeping and moseyed up to the lodge for an early morning breakfast. An hour later he came walking down the path that leads to the lodge which was a wonderful sight. It was obvious that he didnтАЩt partake in the routine ritual of spending an hour in front of the mirror тАУ as his hair made him look like a chicken that just popped out of an egg and he was wearing a pair of my shorts which fit him like a tent. He was also wearing my favorite T shirt that reads тАУ тАЬHeтАЩs the Gay Guy, IтАЩm Only With Him for the Bucks.тАЭ He was just beautiful.
He had read the letter. I knew it the minute he sat down. He gave me another Smile тАУ only this time it wasnтАЩt the A&C type, it was, what IтАЩll call, the PRK (Phum Ruk Koon) type. After the countless times weтАЩve had sex together, this morning in our lives would mark the first time that we had made love to each other. And if that sounds corny to you, and IтАЩm sure it does, so be it.
HeтАЩs now attending school in Ubon Ratchathani and riding his motorbike back to Si Saket on the weekends to visit his family. We talk on the phone every week and count the days until weтАЩre together again. Up until recently, going to school and living a normal life with his family was just a dream. But I guess behind all dreams is the possibility of a reality just waiting to happen.
And, by-the-way Spike...this is really me.
Mai pen rai
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