NewbieтАЩs recent post - and many responding posts - regarding the protocols of offing a guy got me to thinking about mamasans and my belief that they are totally useless creatures. I think they do their employers more harm than good. When they come flying at you in that juggernaut way so many of them have, before youтАЩve barely sat down in the bar . . . well, I get the hell out of Dodge pretty quickly and go find a bar where IтАЩm not being treated as tonightтАЩs meal.

But IтАЩm a positive guy. Really. So before I finish this rant, let me share a positive mamasan experience with you:

IтАЩd spent two nights in Phuket checking out the bars in the Paradise complex, but had avoided Uncle Charlies as a bevy of ladyboys surrounded its door, lined up posing for the straight touri and carrying on as ladyboys will do. Not really my cup of tea. Out of boredom I decided to give the place a go. The interior was a surprise: large and plush (well, large and plush for a Phuket bar). IтАЩd no sooner sat down and ordered a drink before one of the mamasans came over, fanning himself vigorously while plopping down into the seat next to mine. He immediately launched into a hysterical tirade about the difficulties of doing his job with an audience filled with straights before catching himself, aghast with eyes wide asking me, тАЬyouтАЩre not . . . .?тАЭ

After assuring him I wasnтАЩt, he relaxed, completed his rant and then, fluttering his eyelashes introduced himself as Sam.

Yes, he was a she, but failed miserably at that task. Though IтАЩm sure in her mindтАЩs eye she was quite fabulous. Short, fat, hirsute, at best she came across as an extremely butch bull dyke. BUT, she had personality, spoke good English, and had me cracking up at her antics from the get go. She offered a running commentary on the guys on stage and then actually asked me what kind of guy I liked. Imagine that! Trying to find out what your customs likes and wants! After I described my ideal guy, she looked back over the guys one by one kind of nodding her head at each as she weighed his known qualities against my list. Finally settling on тАШTonyтАЭ her face lit up and she uttered a satisfied тАЬyesssss!тАЭ

Now while TonyтАЩs physical looks would have placed him on my short list, I doubt if he would have been the choice left to my own devices. But Sam assured me he was perfect and immediately called him over. Drinks all around, the three of us were soon chatting it up and having quite a good time at it. Turned out he was indeed perfect and I ended spending the rest of my trip with him. He still ranks as one of the best offs IтАЩve ever had in Thailand.

I tipped Sam well that night and Tony and I invited her to join us for dinner a few times during the trip. This was the weekend of their Gay Pride celebration so there was much to do. And having become close friends of the two of them, I got to help decorate Uncle CharlieтАЩs float for the parade. I can only hope to again have such a wonderful time in Phuket. But, sad to say, I only get to Phuket about once every three years and on my next trip Tony was no more, Sam too was a ghost of the past, and Uncle Charlies had moved to a building at the end of the street and changed its ambience along with its location.

Back to the bitchfest. And I temper my remarks by noting my experience is with mamasans at Bangkok bars. IтАЩve only been to Pattaya once, and even now, thinking back on that trip, I want to wash my mind out with soap.

It seems most mamsans are ladyboys. Not all, but most. And for the uninitiated, knowing who in the bar is a mamasan (or more correctly, a captain) and who isnтАЩt (that would be the waiters) can be difficult. Probably because your eyes are glued on the stage full of barely clothed guys rather than on deciphering the various uniforms being worn by the non-performers. No worries, the mamasan will find you.

Typically, these screeching creatures appear before your drink does with the warming welcome of, тАЬYou want boy?тАЭ as they wave a disinterested hand toward the bored line up on stage. If youтАЩre lucky, your negative response will be the end of your encounter. More likely sheтАЩll hover around a bit longer trying to get you to agree to an off, suggesting a guy or two (without any idea of the type of guy you want).

The belief that the captain is there to help you is a false one. She is there to get you to off a guy. Preferably one of her favorites who will give her a cut of his tip. The barтАЩs manager tracks the number of offs each captain lays claim to and their continued employment depends on these numbers. So thinking that the captain is a good source in discovering which of the guys will do what you are interested in doing is a non-starter. More often than not, just like the guy, sheтАЩll assure you he тАЬdoes everythingтАЭ regardless of his actual abilities.

Since Newbie identified Tawan as the bar heтАЩd most likely hit, IтАЩll mention here that the captains there are all male and not ladyboy wannabes. They are also much more reserved, as are the guys because the owner of Tawan has dictated that the guys are not to approach customers unless they already know them. (Though as most rules in Thailand, adherence is optional.) As far as their knowledge of what each guy will do, as Thai Fan pointed out, most of the Tawan guys willing to bottom keep that little secret to themselves, so asking one of the captains for this info is a waste.

And back to the positive side, I once spent an enjoyable evening at Twilight-Before-It-Became-Hot Male chatting up one of the masculine captains, Ket, while enjoying the show. End of the evening, as the bar closed, Ket agreed to being offed and ended up performing admirably well - so thereтАЩs a mamasan that actually was worth knowing!

Nowadays I avoid the bars with pushy mamasans. And ignore the mamasans at the bars I do go to. I am perfectly able to pick and off a guy on my own. That way, even if he ends up being a dud, at least the bar portion of my night was enjoyable. Other than serving as an employment opportunity for ladyboys, I think this position - as least as it relates to customers - could and should be done away with.

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