A friend we all know and love, I'll call him, Ozzie, went drinking at a bar near Jomtien. He got quite pissed and wandered down the brick road. He saw a small crowd standing near the water, went to investigate and fell in at the site where a local Baptist congregation was holding baptism ceremonies.
He landed right next to the preacher; who immediately grabbed him--And pushed him right under!
He pulled him up and shouted, "Have you found Jesus!"
"No," said Ozzie.
The preacher pushed him under again!
After what seemed a long time he pulled him up and shouted, "Have you found Jesus!"
"No," said Ozzie.
The frustrated preacher pushed him under yet again, held him under at least thirty seconds longer than the last time, pulled him up once more and shouted, "Now! Have...you...found...Jesus!"
"No," cried Ozzie, "Are you sure this is where he fell in!"

The preacher, having decided he was hopeless; Oz wandered away and sat on the edge of the brick horng nam to dry off. A few minutes later an unoccupied massage boy came over and sat near him. All Oz could do was stare; the boy had a spiked hair-do, each spike a different color: bright Red, Green, Blue and Yellow :happy10:
"What's...matter you, Pa? You never do anything wild and crazy in your life?" asked the boy.
"Oh, sure," said Oz with great understanding, "When I was your age I got drunk and screwed a parrot!
I was just wondering if you were my son. Yer bleeding little cunt!" said Ozzie.
The boy decided to accept Ozzie's offer of a good time, massaged his ample rump, kicked him there once and beat him silly with a bat . . . a dead fruit bat. He yelled, "That all good time you get for hundred baht!" as he skipped off singing, "Sha-na, sha-na na in the...."

Finally Oz found his car. After stopping at the mini-mart for a six-pack and two pints of whiskey he started driving back to his room at Monty's.
He was nearly there when the police pulled him over.
Thinking fast, Ozzie peeled the label off a bottle of Singha and stuck it to his forehead a moment before officer, Yaigon, rapped on the car window.
"Have you been drinking?" asked the cop very sternly.
"Oh, no!" replied Ozzie.
"Then why you have beer label stuck to forehead?" asked officer Yaigon.
"Because I'm trying to give up alcohol--And that's the patch," growled Ozzie.
"Well, eyes you very red. Have...you...been...drinking? repeated Yaigon.
"Your eyes look awfully glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" inquired Ozzie.

Yaigon settled for a 1,000 baht fine: all Oz had left after his night out. He made Ozzie, however, walk the rest of the way home carrying the beer and with pints stuck in each hip pocket.
Climbing the stairs to his room, he missed a step, missed the handrail...and tumbled backward, breaking both bottles!
He crawled, painfully, to his room and undressed.
In the bathroom, he carefully applied dressings to the cuts and went to bed.
The next afternoon, the houseboy's knocking woke him.
He told the boy he had hurt himself so just clean around him, and went back to bed.
The house boy, Ting, went into the bathroom and came right back out. "Oh oh! I think you mow...drunk too much last night!" said the boy.
"Why do you think that, yer cunt!" asked Ozzie sweetly.
"Because mirror covered with many Band Aid!" giggled Ting.
Oz, being in a perpetual state of heat, asked Ting if they might have a go at it.
Ting told him he thought Ozzie was hurt too much--But maybe Okay if oz laid on his back and Ting sat on it.
"Nothing doing! shouted the offended Oz. My Da always told me: "Don't screw up!"
Nevertheless; Ting, being a kind hearted young person, offered to drive Ozzie to Hospital--"for only two-hundred baht."

After a short examination the doctor shook his head, sadly, and admitted Ozzie for tests.
Oz quipped, he hoped not a urine test, he'd flunked one in Sydney during his third year in the sixth grade.
"Jing Jai Sure," muttered the doctor..as he contemplated ordering wrist restraints.

The next morning Doctor Tai came to Ozzie's room and told him the results were very bad: "You liver damage very bad. Have only ten days to live."
"Ten Days, yer cunt! Exclaimed Ozzie, politely, "is there nothing I can do!"
"Well," replied Doctor Tai, "You maybe go crossing street to beauty shop, every afternoon, and have a mud-pack."
Surprised at the answer, Ozzie whispered, "Really, Doc? That will really help?"
"Not Leelee," said the doctor, "But it may get you used to dirt!" :clock:

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