In the year 2003 I was living in Thailand and struggling with everything in my life.
I’d met Ben, a German guy on a gay dating site and we’d started a relationship.
I’m a Thai guy in my twenties; slim, good looking and Ben was in his sixties; fat, short, and bald.
Sometimes I would stay in his apartment and sometimes I would stay at home. Ben sent me to a German language school in Bangkok to learn how to speak, read and write German. He was a retired professor from a German University and he worked part-time as a German reporter in Thailand. He wrote articles for a local newspaper for the German community in Thailand.
He got quite a good pension from his university and he could live comfortably in Thailand. He also got extra money as a reporter. The cost of living in Thailand is much lower than in Germany; that’s the reason why so many people from first world countries live in Thailand after their retirement.
I didn’t have a job so I helped Ben with his work. He gave me an allowance and some extra money whenever I needed it. Even though he was not rich, he was quite generous with me. It was quite common in Thailand for Western people to give money to their male or female Thai lover.
One day I told him he should move from his apartment to a bigger house. He agreed, and we found a good house to rent. It was much larger and nicer than the apartment. I came to live with him only on and off because sometimes I liked to stay with my mother in her house.
After a few months he told me he loved me very much. He would always give me some kind of affection such as kissing and hugging when I came to his rented house. When I stayed overnight with him, he would always hold me gently while I was sleeping.
One day when we were on the escalator in the shopping mall he touched my hair gently and said my hair was so beautiful. It was so soft like silk and my hairstyle was nice.
One day he told me he wanted to bring me to Germany so we could register as legal partners. It was called a registered partnership and it was available for same sex partner since 2001 in Germany.
We planned to go there and went to the German embassy to learn the procedures. He told me once we became registered partners, I would get his pension for the rest of my life in case he passed away.
He also made a will that I would inherit everything he owned such as an apartment in Cologne and all of his money in his bank account in Germany. He left his will with the German embassy in Bangkok. Everything was fine until some incident happened.
A white Caucasian American man sent me a message through the same gay dating site that I had met Ben. I’d forgotten to deactivate my profile so he was able to send me a message. He said I looked very cute and he would like to get to know me. He described himself and I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal. He wanted to meet me and I agreed. We first met in a restaurant and he - Michael - was so handsome in my eyes. He was 50 years old, tall, lean, but a little muscular.
As soon as we met, I fell in love with him right there, right at that moment. This was my first impression and I could feel the right chemistry. He was very honest with me about his life from the beginning. He told me he’d married a Thai girl about a year ago. He had Ph.D. and he was a teacher.
He also told me he’d worked in Japan for many years and earned a lot more money there but he loved Thailand much more so he decided to settle in Bangkok. He was bisexual and he found me very attractive. I was mesmerized by his charm, personality and physical appearance. He asked me to go back to his condominium because he knew his Thai wife went to visit her parents in another province.
I was very excited with his invitation and I accepted it without hesitation. As soon as we got there, he took me into the living room. We sat there and talked briefly with our hands on each other’s lap. The next thing I knew we were in each other’s arms and he started to give me a deep French kiss. Finally, we were lying completely naked on his bed. It was such wonderful sex as I ever had before in my life.He was so good in bed; he knew how to do it much better than Ben.
I kept the affair secret from Ben and I was sure Michael did the same thing from his Thai wife.
I was madly in love with him and we always called each other over the cell phone. If any days passed that I didn’t hear his voice, I would always be in a bad mood. I felt like I had to hear his voice every day if we couldn’t see each other. We met regularly and we would have sex almost every time in a motel. We developed a strong relationship and I was overwhelmed by his charm. He said he felt the same way as I felt.
After several months I told him that I didn’t want to be in that situation forever. He knew what I meant because by that time he knew about my German lover. I didn’t even want to go to Germany anymore to register the partnership. Michael also told me that since he started an affair with me, he had never had sex with his wife again. He said he didn’t love her in the way he loved me. He didn’t understand why he married her in the first place; maybe he felt sorry for her. He told me something like that.
We agreed to be together and he would take me to America to be his partner over there. He would divorce his wife, and I would tell Ben it was over between us because I had met somebody else.When Ben found out about my affair from my mouth he cried like a baby. I told him our relationship was over and I was going to go to America instead. I still remember his distressed face in the last scene very well.
He was begging me to be with him. He said whatever I did behind his back he had already forgiven me. He said “Please do not leave me; I love you very much; my life will be disaster without you”. I turned him down with a breaking heart.
To be very honest as I am writing this now, I felt very bad, very guilty for that moment. But, I couldn’t do anything.I couldn’t control myself or be with Ben anymore. I couldn’t force myself to love him anymore (if I ever loved him at all). We agreed that he would move back to his apartment. Then, the last day, which I remember very well, he handed me a brown envelop from the bank. I opened it and I saw a whole bunch of cash inside; it was 300,000 baht (about $10,000 USD). He said it was for me to start a new life.
He walked away from me and that was the last time I saw him.
I was so shocked that I couldn’t react to his last message.
Before I knew anything, tears came down my cheeks. There were no words to describe that scene.
Then, suddenly, less than a month after Ben and I separated, Michael told me he had to call off the plan because his wife was pregnant. We would not go to America and he had to be with his wife for the sake of the baby. I was frozen; speechless; looking at him in disbelief.
“I have to take full responsibility for the baby; the baby will need a father.” I remember one of his sentences very well.
“What about me?” I asked with the shaking voice. He said he was sorry but he couldn’t produce any more words. He left me in such confusion. He went back to his apartment to look after his wife and I went home with a broken heart.
My beautiful world lay in front of me totally shattered.
I was more than devastated; I was completely lost.
I felt like someone slapped my face and took my heart away. I felt like I’d fallen from a cliff.
There was a burning inside my heart. I was dead inside, but I still could walk.
I spoke to the mirror in vain. “How could you do this to me? I had sacrificed everything because I loved you and I wanted to be with you. You promised me that you would divorce her to be with me.
You said you loved me and would take me to America.”
“I dumped Ben who loved me very much. I gave up the pension money because I didn’t pursue his registered partnership. I have lost such a big amount of money when Ben changed the will as soon as we separated.
I have nothing now. I have nobody now. My whole world is empty now.”
I mourned and I cried like a wounded person in such agony.
“You betrayed me, and you left me with a severe wound in my heart.
I hate you, you hear me? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
He didn’t answer his phone no matter how often I tried to reach him. He simply sent me a message “I am so sorry for everything”.
“Yes, sure… you are sorry”
I whispered to myself “but I am going to make you sorry for the rest of your life.”
For months I had to go out every night to drink and party in order to forget him. I came home late and had to take sleeping pill to be able to rest.
I couldn’t get him out of my mind no matter how much I tried. Everywhere I went, I saw his face in front of me. Every night when I slept, I thought he was lying beside me and holding me.When love becomes hate, it is extremely dangerous.At one point, I was planning to kill both of us.
The plan was I would shoot him first and myself after him. Then, I would lie down on top of him so we could be together forever.
My Buddha was the one who changed my mind and turned me to another direction. Maybe, love and hate are too close to each other.
I got wisdom from somewhere, but I used it somewhat in the wrong way.
I sent Michael message one day pretending to be nice to him. I told him I understood his situation and I was going abroad. I would just like to see one last time. He agreed and that would change his life and my life forever.
We met in the same motel that we always used in the past. We were both lying on the bed naked when there was a knock at the door; I knew exactly who it was and I told them to come in. Suddenly, his wife was standing right there in front of us. Her face was as white as a ghost and she looked at her husband speechless. Her face said it all without any words; not one word came from her mouth.
Her face is still in my memory; a face that I will never forget.
I knew how it happened while Michael had no idea at all. He came to see me in a few days later and the first thing I knew he’d pushed me to the floor.
“You set me up, you set the whole thing up” he said in such cold harsh voice; a voice I had never heard from him before.
“You’re darn right” I told him. “I set the whole incident up for your wife to be there to see that scene in the motel.”
He didn’t know that I had asked a friend to call his wife about what time she should go there.
“I give up everything, and I mean everything, because you told me we were going to be together” I started rambling with a shaky voice.
“I had to dump someone who loved me very much because of you. I had lost everything because of you.” My voice was shaking because of the tremendous force of the sensation.
He stared at me before speaking to me in such a cold voice.
“My wife has already left me with my baby in her womb. She wrote a letter that she would have an abortion so I could never see my baby ever. In the letter she stated that she didn’t want the baby to grow up to find out their father was a gay man.
It would hurt the child badly; it would affect the child psychologically. The child would be teased forever and would develop an inferiority complex”.
Suddenly, he came over to attack me. I didn’t even prepare to defend myself because it was not his style. His nature was very calm and he had never shown any signs of violence at all. He grabbed my shirt and threw me down. I grabbed an object and threw it at him; the next thing I knew was we were rolling around. We were lying down on the floor; he was on top of me and I was on top of him. We were silent briefly, trying to catch our breath.
“I never want to see you again in this life time” he said as he left.
Those were the last words from him. This was long ago, more than 10 years, but I can still hear his voice in my memory today.
I was lying on the floor and I was crying like a six year old boy in such pain.
My body was curled up like a child. That scene I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.
My life went downhill as I locked myself away from the world. I couldn’t take care of myself and kept to myself in my room. My mother was the one who stepped in and rescued me. She tried to help me with spiritual stuff and it worked in the end.
Few months later; I was contacted by Stephen (the Canadian man with whom I had contact earlier). We’d lost touch during the time I was having a relationship with Ben.
He asked me if I was still interested in him and would like to relocate to be with him in Canada. It was like a sound from heaven to me.
I couldn’t wait to accept his invitation. My mother and my sister were very happy for me. I got a Canadian visa on my second attempt and was ready to go to Canada the following month.
I wanted to see Michael one more time in my life, but he was no longer in Thailand. When I went to his work place and someone told me he had already gone back to America. I couldn’t get any more information.
One day I found a piece of paper in my drawer which I had forgotten all about. It was Michael’s hand writing with his home address and phone number in America. I called and a lady answered the phone. It was his sister and when I told her who I was she said “I know you”. She even knew my official Thai name. Deep in my heart, my anger went away. I just wanted to speak to Michael and say how very sorry I was for what I’d done to him.
“May I talk to Michael please?” I asked politely.
She said “Michael passed away last week. He was in a car accident. He told me about you and he said he loved you” she said with a normal tone of voice.
My cell phone dropped from my hand and I was frozen in place. I could hear her voice far…far away.
Didn’t I say, a few months earlier, that I wanted him dead? I was the one who hated him so much. Now he was gone.
The tears came down my cheeks like a waterfall.
About a week earlier (before his sister said he was in an accident) I had a dream about him.
In my dream, he came to my bed and said he had already forgiven me. Then, he said good-bye. I tried to call him but he was gone and I then woke up. I’m convinced his spirit came to say good-bye to me.
I’m positive that he loved me but he had to be responsible for his baby. That was why he couldn’t be with me. Sometimes, love is just not enough.
Michael, wherever you are right now, I hope you have found a happy place.
I will always love you and you are always on my mind.
Love.
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Originally Posted by cdnmatt
