Have you ever found yourself disappointed or angry because тАЬheтАЭ didnтАЩt say Thank You?

It wasnтАЩt until I read a book about Buddhism by Lawrence Khantipalo Mills that I understood the full meaning of тАЬGivingтАЭ in a Buddhist culture such as Thailand. I read this book back around 2000 when I first came to Thailand and the things I learned not only gave me insight into Thai Buddhist culture but also kept my western feelings in tack when not being thanked for something I had given him.

In Buddhism it is taught that giving something to someone else, i.e., birthday gift, unexpected gift, something you just felt he wanted or needed, or as the result of him asking for something he wanted or needed тАУ is something that must come from the heart with no expectations for receiving anything in return except for good merit. That good merit translates to тАЬgood karmaтАЭ which Buddhists believe is the element that determines a personтАЩs fate in their next life (or lives). Regardless if anyone subscribes to this notion of good merit = good karma = good outcome in next life or not, the fact remains that many if not most Thais are taught this from birth and itтАЩs fully engrained in their culture at levels of society.

I remember sitting around the Christmas tree when I was young watching the family members opening their gifts just waiting for one of them to open the one with my name on it. The smiles and joyous acknowledgements that were exchanged among us was pure delight. And of course the warm тАЬthank yousтАЭ filled the room. ItтАЩs just engrained in our culture to say thank you. Even if we donтАЩt really mean it we say it. The term тАЬthank you тАЭ is probably the most commonly used term in all western culture. It makes us feel polite and well reared. It seems natural because when someone gives you something itтАЩs because he or she wants (and fully expects) an acknowledgement from you. ItтАЩs that acknowledgement that we feed off. In the absence of this we feel insulted, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, angry, sad, and all the rest of those self-centered little emotions which have such a major impact on our levels of happiness.

When you give a Thai a gift he believes (as taught from birth) that you are doing this for one reason and one reason only тАУ and thatтАЩs to bring him good feelings. For him to thank you for what youтАЩve given him detracts from that purpose. ItтАЩs almost like sayingтАжтАЭIтАЩm disappointed because you didnтАЩt acknowledge the fact that I gave you something and now IтАЩm standing here waiting for something in return, and that тАЬsomethingтАЭ is a тАЬthank youтАЭ.

WeтАЩve all witnessed Thai boys celebrating one of their friends birthdaysтАжbut have you ever just sat there and observed the way the person opening up the gifts reacts to the тАЬgiversтАЭ around him? Most likely you will see the birthday boy with a huge smile on his face beaming with happiness, although you will rarely (if ever) see him look up at one of his friends and say тАЬthank youтАЭ. ItтАЩs for this reason that Thais donтАЩt ever put their names on gifts like we frequently do in the West. The person receiving the gift doesnтАЩt really have to know which person in the crowd gave that particular gift тАУ as this has absolutely nothing to do with the purpose or outcome of the giving process. Giving is simply focused on bringing happiness to the receiver.

There is a very subtle difference between how thisтАЭ thank youтАЭ stuff is interpreted between western and Thai cultures, but itтАЩs that subtle difference that seems to upset so many farang - when they feel cheated or insulted and sometimes flat-out angry when they donтАЩt receive anything in return. I mean all a farang really wants is a simple тАЬthank youтАЭтАжwhatтАЩs so dam hard about that, when in reality (the Thais reality anyway), a тАЬthank youтАЭ could actually detract from the value of the тАЬgiving processтАЭ because his тАЬthank youтАЭ to you could insinuate that you gave him a gift only for the self-pleasure of receiving something back in returnтАжpotentially offending you.

Please donтАЩt thank me for writing this.

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