My Thai BF

This is in response to Colmx who asked on another thread about why my relationship with my LT Thai BF ended. I did not want to hijack that thread, so I decided to reply in a new one.

Officially, my relationship has not truly ended (in the "finish" sense). I talk to my ex on the phone almost every day, and this Saturday I'm going with friends to the Hat Yai area for a monk ceremony and will see my ex bf then for the two days I am there.

However, it did end for me for the most part when I was back in the US and took a job for almost 18 months that required long days and very little time for travel. Something I have always said (and a parameter I've always had for a relationship) is that I can't/won't be BF with someone I cannot see several times a year at a minimum. I tested it with this BF, and I was right. For me, a very long term seperation in a relationship just does not work.

I noticed that for both of us, over a period of months, our lively phone conversations became less and less antimated and more and more chore like. Daily conversations dwindled to three a week and then two a week. Finally, something happened to his mobile, so the calls stopped for a bit. I then had to change my phone numbers. His phone still was not working (he changed his main SIM card). He tried calling one of my friends a number of times to get in touch with me, but when I called back only voice mail.

Finally, I quit the job, landed a new one that allowed me to work from anywhere, and I decided to try a three month "working holiday" in LOS. Yet because of the time we had been apart, my feelings for the ex bf were very muted, and while I knew I would probably see him this trip, on the plane ride over, I did not have those same feelings of joy at being with my beloved again (more feelings of excitement at seeing old friends and experiencing Thailand in a different way).

After I got here, I tried calling him again. All of his old friends told me they could not call him either. Finally, after I was here a week, he called his best friend looking for me. As chance had it, I was with the friend at the time. Yet, even talking to him daily, I can't conjure up the old feelings. I have had a tremendous time so far this trip and have no relationship worries and anxieties. I love being a butterfly and am seeing LOS in a bit of a new light (I met my BF my first trip here and have never experienced the LOS scene as a free man).

It helps (at least for me) that my BF has made a small success of the business I started for him (he has even opened up a second business in Hat Yai). I know he can take care of himself and his family without my help (although I'm sure he would still welcome it). I think he was smart enough to grab his golden ring and make something of it. I hope it keeps him for life.

Also, as I look back on my relationship and compare it to what I know now, in many ways I was badly treated by this boy. What I took for standard Thai practice before is not as universal as I once thought. We fought a lot; I had to do a lot of arm twisting for sex; the boy left me alone for most of every day and half the evenings; and he really seemed fixated on the money/gift part of our relationship. Actually, his old boss had a conversation with me about the boy the other night, and his boss told me that he never saw a boy change as much: what was a very good boy became very different the more money (of mine) that he had. I won't forget my last trip, when I finally bought him a 5 baht gold chain, and then he became morose and angry the rest of the trip, and finally stormed out of our hotel room in BKK with his stuff, and only returned for a short conversation the next evening (I left that evening). We made up via phone, but that probably was the beggining of the end for me.

For me, if I go down that road again with another boy, I'm going to be very sure that in exchange for me taking care of the boy, that the boy also takes very good care of me. I understand that love and committment will be different for each of us; however, if he loves me because of what I can do for him and the security I offer, then I will love him for his ability to take care of me with his companionship and sex and time. I may never be BF again but only good customer, because IMO, a good customer has it a lot better than a BF. Love is a wonderful thing, but getting what one needs and expects in a relationship is an even better one.

Sorry for the long answer, but like any relationship issue, the answer is complex. I hope this helps as you figure out your own road to happiness. Every relationship, and the two people in them, are very different. Relationships and people change. Always my best advice is to take what happiness you can for today for there is no promise of tomorrow. If you and your boy are happy today, IMO, that is what counts the most.

Pete

Similar Threads:

• Australian journalist ready for Thai prison re Thai navy
• Blog Post -Thai Puan тАУ Thai Gay Community Magazine
• Newish Thai Airline: Crystal Thai Airlines
• Talk farang-thai and Thai friend speaking and thinking
• Ad in thai for Khon Kaen sauna, and other thai gay venues

[Dodger]

Pete,

Thanks for sharing that with us.

As you know, I recently separated from my guy after a 5 year arm tugging contest, and it's amazing how similar our situations are. Actually, it's amazing how similar all the farang/Thai boy separations are when you think about it. But, then again, if you you think about it, if all the breakups you witness between a farang and a Thai are always for the same reasons, it shouldn't be amazing to any of us. So let me rephrase that...it's actually not surprising at all how similar your breakup was to mine. Now, that's better.

I don't think my relationship was ever as serious (or committed) as yours, as I never remained faithful to him during my holidays, and I seriously doubt that he remained committed to me once my plane left the tarmac at Don Muong. I never tried to fool myself about the realities of having a LTR with a guy half my age, although, for some unexplainable reason, needed to hold onto it to fill this void I have inside. In return for my gifts and a little financial support I was receiving sex and companionship. It seemed like a fair trade, until the inevitable happened. He, like your BF, stopped wanting to have sex unless all the stars in the universe were perfectly aligned, and, simultaneously, started expecting more money. I guess that's why they call them WORKING BOYS, They simply never stop working.

Comparing my past BUTTERFLYING holiday to those where I spent the majority of time with HIM are dramatically different. For me, the absolute best sex I'm going to have with a Thai boy is during the first encounter. And there's a very plausible reason why that occurs, it's because he is in the HOOKING phase at that stage. He got me with his bait...and the HOOKING TECHNIQUE happens when the towel falls to the floor for the first time. The next few sexual encounters with the same boy are usually good as well...but not as good as that first episode. The magic number for me when I'm Butterflying is 3. I can usually expect to receive all the attention (companionship) and sexual gratification I want with the same boy 3 times. After that, the wheel is set in reverse motion. The boy feels the hook is set...starts playing hard-to-get in the bedroom...and starts digging for that next level of commitment for $$$. It happens every single time. So the tactic I deployed during my last holiday was quite simple. Enjoy the first 3 encounters to the max...and then get out the scissors and cut the line.

The consequence to the tactic I just described is that the void I have inside for that thing, you know, that LOVE thing, remains empty. I guess everything in life is a trade off. In the words of Kahlil Gibran, "joy can not exist without sorrow, nor sorrow without joy, as they are inseparable. It is impossible to have one without the other."

Good luck with your future adventures, and thanks again for sharing.

mai pen rai

Petey Dear

It takes a big man (and I don't just mean fat) to come up with that confession. My heart really goes out to you.

Everybody, if you'd like to know the background to Peter's story, go to the resource forum and look under the 'Long Term Relationships with Thai Guys' thread.

http://www.sawatdee-gay-thailand.com/fo ... php?t=2202

Some of the initial posts are missing and the remaining posts don't seem to be in sequence. Mai pen rai. I was extremely touched by Petey's grace and equanimity in responding to the many suggestions, criticisms and fatherly advice offered by some of the forum's most esteemed contributors: The Colonel, Hedda, my dear departed zzz and that know-it-all Moslem whom zzz tried to warn me about. Not once did young Peter come across as defensive, arrogant or sarcastic. His willingness to embrace the wisdom and counsel of those who had eaten som tam long before he did was clearly apparent.

Now, enough of this sentimental stuff, Petey! You're a strong lad. Time to get your face out of that Lay's bag and kick away that 2-litre Pepsi Max bottle. No use bemoaning your ever widening girth and receding hairline. Stop drooling over Ryan Carnes on GH - he's not going to be impressed by your 20,000Bt a week. You've taken the right step in going back to Paradise and mixing with real Thai people. Khun Bon should be able to guide you through your next relationship just as he did with the first one. He is one of the good guys; those rumours about him being the Godfather of Patong who demands 100,000Bt compensation from every one of his boys taken out permanently by a farang are simply NOT TRUE.

Go with love my child, grow with love.

Yimsuai
The Englightened Pussy

Pete, Sounds like you made the right decision. I think the tell tale sign all was not well was the fact you said he would leave you alone for long periods of time. Most thai boys (including mine) stick to you like glue while you are there, because of fear some other thai boy will try to take their "property". I have been told over and over, "Don't get into a relationship with a Thai boy until you actually live there". My problem is, I don't enjoy being a "Butterfly", and like being in relationships. Like yours, my relationship has gotten rocky lately. My last visit in December was very stressfull because of fighting and arguing not only about money, but fidelity issues also, mostly due to his refusal to stop seeing several long time "F-buddies" each time they come to Thailand. My feeling being, if he gets horny, go to Babylon, but don't have these continuing relationships with other guys (who btw, don't provide any financial support). Someone once said "Farangs who are in long distance financially supportive realtionships with thai boys are idiots. The smart guys are the Farangs that come to thailand and F**K the boyfriends of the other Farangs while they are back home". I'm beginning to think this might be good advice. LOL

The smart guys are the Farangs that come to thailand and F**K the boyfriends

Po├йts named, FFF !

Find Fuck Forget .

Based on my experiences gained in about a dozen trips to the LOS, and reflecting on discussions about about Farangs and the Thai BFs, I've come to a few conclusions (all of which undergo revision on subsequent visits).

One, I will never understand the Thai mindset (this conclusion has not changed).

Two, all of the guys you will meet will expect will expect some kind of compensation, if not necessarily in cash but in the form of gifts, meals, etc. Although I've never had a BF (I tell them up front that's not what I'm looking for), I don't have a problem with this expectation.

Three, if the tales Thai guys tell me are any basis for judgement, farangs who believe that their BF is being faithful to them while they're away for eight months are deluding themselves.

Four, having said all of the above, I continue to return to the LOS because Thai guys are indeed one of a kind.

Five, I'm confident that there are exceptions to everything I've said.

I won't forget my last trip, when I finally bought him a 5 baht gold chain, and then he became morose and angry the rest of the trip, ....

5 baht gold!!! that is more than USD 1000. You certainly are a wealthy man!! :bounce:

[colmx]

Hi Pete
Thanks for the Frank and candid post with regard to the break up...

Its funny that so many Long term relationships seem to be breaking up these days (both gay and str8)

I guess its never easy finishing a relationship... especially if you care so much for the guy. And sometimes its easier to carry on oblivious, just to avoid the issue...

Anyway hope u are having a good time Butterflying in Phuket!
And if you go to Pattaya stay away from my BF!

[Dick]

Some sceptics in this thread have generalised. I don't think you can because all true relationships are individual, and unique to those in them. Those in a relationship gain companionship as well as love, however ardent or passionate the sex might (or might not) be, and whilst the initial flame may burn brightest, the light is still bright whilst the flame burns. The love and caring should mature over the years... yes even in a long distance relationship, but it also brings a confidence and certainty that each in the relationship knows he is loved.

I'm really sorry Pete that it didn't work out, but don't let one disappointment persuade your heart too differently a next time.

An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.