The milk of human kindness

During a commercial airline flight, a retired Royal Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breast feeding the infant as discreetly as possible in the limited space. The pilot pretended not to notice anything, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "my pleasure.That's a very pretty baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician told her that the time spent suckling on her breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Royal Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "Shit! And all these years, I've relied on chewing gum!"

Sort of related (babies are involved):

Two women, one middle class, one working class, are in adjoining beds in a maternity ward, recovering after giving birth. The middle class one is saying, ‘When I had my first child, my husband gave me a diamond ring.’ ‘Ooh, that's nice,' says the working class one. 'Yes,' continues the mc one, 'and this time he has promised to take me on a Caribbean cruise.' 'Ooh, that's nice,' says the wc one. 'And what about you,' says the mc one, 'does your husband treat you after you've given birth?' 'Well actually 'e does,' says the wc one, 'After me first 'e paid for me to 'ave elocution lessons.' 'Really?' says the mc one rather disdainfully, 'and do you think they did you any good?' 'I think so,' says the wc one. 'I used to say 'Fuck you' but now I say 'Ooh, that's nice'.'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll keep an eye on your monkey for you.

A guy goes into a pub, stands at the bar and the barmaid asks him what he would like.

"A pint of lager and a packet of cheese and onion crisps please" he says.

"Certainly, sir, is there anything else" asks the barmaid.

The guy leans over towards her: "Well, since you ask ....can I smell your fanny?"

She says "WHAT??"

He says "A pint of lager, a packet of cheese and onion crisps and can I smell your fanny?"

"You're disgusting!" she says
"There's your pint of lager!" - and she bangs the pint glass down in front of him
"There's your packet of crisps!" she says, throwing them at him......
"And for your information, NO you certainly can NOT smell my fanny!!"

"Oh", the guy says "well, it must be your feet"

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

pains me to say this...but thats a good one scotty