I have just returned from an eight-day trip to Pattaya, staying again at what has become my favourite Jomtien hotel, The Venue. Mind you the rickety corkscrew staircase there is a bloody nightmare to navigate after a couple of singhas!
I whipped out my abacus and came to the conclusion that it was my 30th trip to Thailand since 1993. And, you know what? I boarded the Thai Airways flight in BKK yesterday at 12.50 hrs, sat down and thought to myself: "Right, that's it, I've done Pattaya - NO MORE!! No more drinking pints of Beer into the early hours and no more sitting like a zombie in front of the hotel room television at 3.00 a.m chewing on a bloody Mars bar (not a deep fried one) having raided the 7-11 store."
Waking up at around 11.00 a.m. is the worst time of the day. Where the hell am I? Why are there cashew nuts all over the duvet? Whose sequined jockstrap is that hanging from the air conditioner? Why is the shower still on and whose legs are these protruding from under the shower curtain? How the hell did I spend 5,000 baht yesterday? What have I got to show for it? ("Don't look down below!" I hear you shout). Then slowly, very slowly, the mist clears.
"Oh my God, I can remember buying these lovely Cambodian waiters drinks in the @Home bar (managed by Zack, one of the friendliest Scotsmen in Pattaya) but I'm unsure about the time I left Donna's Bar." Does that bar ever shut?
Another flashback: I recall visiting the straight bar next to Hotel Zing, fronting the main Thappraya Road, where the live music trio (not unlike three hillbillies to look at) were belting out some very passable 70s, 80s and 90s numbers. I went back on four occasions during the week, tipping them each time in recognition of their talent. They were no spring chickens, bless them, but by God they can play and sing, given their mature years. One of my favourites was on the menu on Sunday night: Hotel California, complete with an excellent rendition of the famous guitar solo.
I do stray into straight bars on the very odd occasions (never, never straight GO-GO bars - they are way too scary) but the problem is that, given that you just want a short breather from all the attention of the boys, your are then immediately fair game in the eyes of the girls!
Have you noticed the strategy? You've been clocked the minute you enter the bar and the girls begin to move closer, circling, taking note of the Mamasan's directions, controlling the girls with her eyes as schoolboys control drones. One moves in and sits semi-shyly on the vacant stool next to me and I'm thinking, "Christ, here we go."
You can predict with great accuracy the imminent conversation (if you can call it that)!
"You 'cum' alone, dahling?"
"Not when I can help it, it's always far more pleasurable when there's someone by my side, particularly since I recall that my first sexual experience was so terrifying."
"Oh, what happen?"
"I was all alone and in the dark!"
"Whatchoo name?"
I tell her: Poshglasgow, of course.
"How long you stay Pattaya?"
"One week."
"You have girlfriend?"
"No, she died in mysterious circumstances!"
"You want one more dink, dahling?"
"What a good idea."
"One dink for me?"
"Of course, have what you like."
"Why you no have lady?"
"I traded her for a lottery ticket that promised a first prize of a weekend with Vladimir Putin at the Hotel California."
I go on to tell her, while we chat about Asia and its people, that I hear so much about Cambodia, for example, that I really must break out of my comfort zone and explore it. But, I don't. Every time I think of going somewhere else I fall back into Pattaya's arms. However, I do find that I get bored in Patts around 2.00pm - 5.00pm in the afternoon and end up riding the escalators of Central Commercial, Big C, Tukcom and Royal Garden. Sometimes I hit the coffee and cake shops in South Pattaya Road or go and watch the toads shagging in the ponds by the temple opposite Smart School 8. I sit on a deckchair, with a bottle of soda, listening to the distant jet skis and watch the uninitiated, the newcomers to Pattaya, frolic and splash about in the dark murky broth that is the seawater that laps the shore opposite the Royal Garden Plaza. In reality, though, I know that I am living in the past where Pattaya is concerned, fueled by wonderful, exotic memories.
"Island! Island!"
"No thank you, been there many times and done that, and I can recall the Ko Lahn ferry that sank drowning a number of tourists in November 2013 who must have spent their final hours praying that one of the few life jackets available would float their way."
And then I make a mental note to explore the possibility of booking a trip on the ferry to Hua HIn (not to be confused with the Glaswegian uttering of "Who him?" when a stranger enters a Glasgow bar). But, again, I never actually do it, so I've come to the conclusion that forty years ago I had more of a sense of adventure and that my thirst for new and exciting experiences may be dissipating. Until, that is, I came across one of the most attractive guys I've seen since I first set eyes on Art in the former Throb Bar years ago. A veritable young Adonis. I had gone to pay my respects, as I always do, to Joi and Pai in Sunee Plaza bar (the white chair bar) when I happened to look across and spotted him in Double Shot, the bar with its own tuk-tuk. I bought him a drink. He told me that he was Cambodian, and that home is just over the border. His name? But, if I tell you that you'll all be down there tomorrow!!!! Seriously though, there is no truer saying than 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. Someone that I find very attractive may be quite unattractive to others.
Part 2 tomorrow: it's nearly half midnight in the UK and having just got back on TG 916 last night, I'm still in Pattaya time.
