This is in response to Colmx who asked on another thread about why my relationship with my LT Thai BF ended. I did not want to hijack that thread, so I decided to reply in a new one.
Officially, my relationship has not truly ended (in the "finish" sense). I talk to my ex on the phone almost every day, and this Saturday I'm going with friends to the Hat Yai area for a monk ceremony and will see my ex bf then for the two days I am there.
However, it did end for me for the most part when I was back in the US and took a job for almost 18 months that required long days and very little time for travel. Something I have always said (and a parameter I've always had for a relationship) is that I can't/won't be BF with someone I cannot see several times a year at a minimum. I tested it with this BF, and I was right. For me, a very long term seperation in a relationship just does not work.
I noticed that for both of us, over a period of months, our lively phone conversations became less and less antimated and more and more chore like. Daily conversations dwindled to three a week and then two a week. Finally, something happened to his mobile, so the calls stopped for a bit. I then had to change my phone numbers. His phone still was not working (he changed his main SIM card). He tried calling one of my friends a number of times to get in touch with me, but when I called back only voice mail.
Finally, I quit the job, landed a new one that allowed me to work from anywhere, and I decided to try a three month "working holiday" in LOS. Yet because of the time we had been apart, my feelings for the ex bf were very muted, and while I knew I would probably see him this trip, on the plane ride over, I did not have those same feelings of joy at being with my beloved again (more feelings of excitement at seeing old friends and experiencing Thailand in a different way).
After I got here, I tried calling him again. All of his old friends told me they could not call him either. Finally, after I was here a week, he called his best friend looking for me. As chance had it, I was with the friend at the time. Yet, even talking to him daily, I can't conjure up the old feelings. I have had a tremendous time so far this trip and have no relationship worries and anxieties. I love being a butterfly and am seeing LOS in a bit of a new light (I met my BF my first trip here and have never experienced the LOS scene as a free man).
It helps (at least for me) that my BF has made a small success of the business I started for him (he has even opened up a second business in Hat Yai). I know he can take care of himself and his family without my help (although I'm sure he would still welcome it). I think he was smart enough to grab his golden ring and make something of it. I hope it keeps him for life.
Also, as I look back on my relationship and compare it to what I know now, in many ways I was badly treated by this boy. What I took for standard Thai practice before is not as universal as I once thought. We fought a lot; I had to do a lot of arm twisting for sex; the boy left me alone for most of every day and half the evenings; and he really seemed fixated on the money/gift part of our relationship. Actually, his old boss had a conversation with me about the boy the other night, and his boss told me that he never saw a boy change as much: what was a very good boy became very different the more money (of mine) that he had. I won't forget my last trip, when I finally bought him a 5 baht gold chain, and then he became morose and angry the rest of the trip, and finally stormed out of our hotel room in BKK with his stuff, and only returned for a short conversation the next evening (I left that evening). We made up via phone, but that probably was the beggining of the end for me.
For me, if I go down that road again with another boy, I'm going to be very sure that in exchange for me taking care of the boy, that the boy also takes very good care of me. I understand that love and committment will be different for each of us; however, if he loves me because of what I can do for him and the security I offer, then I will love him for his ability to take care of me with his companionship and sex and time. I may never be BF again but only good customer, because IMO, a good customer has it a lot better than a BF. Love is a wonderful thing, but getting what one needs and expects in a relationship is an even better one.
Sorry for the long answer, but like any relationship issue, the answer is complex. I hope this helps as you figure out your own road to happiness. Every relationship, and the two people in them, are very different. Relationships and people change. Always my best advice is to take what happiness you can for today for there is no promise of tomorrow. If you and your boy are happy today, IMO, that is what counts the most.
Pete
