Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlomker
Monogomy is good for preventing the spread of colds and STDs.
I think sexual monogamy is a cultural ideal, rather a baked in genetic adaptive trait. Cultures adopted it for societal stability and, as mlomker says, for disease control. Homosexual repression was adopted by many cultures for much the same reason (disease control). Today, with advances in medicine and condoms, we're freer to listen to our natural sexual instincts without adopting the social mores of our distant ancestors.
I don't care which people choose, but for the good of your health and society, I'd say choose at least one; condoms or monogomy. I choose condoms.
Re: The morally illiterate
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnmatt
Some boss telling me when to be where, how long to work, what to do...
Yep, some older managers/employers are stupid that way. They're more worried about the rules and process than outcomes. I let my staff work from home or off-site when they need/want to as long as they're accessible when clients/colleagues need them. It's about being outcome-driven...
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachlover
I let my staff work from home or off-site when they need/want to as long as they're accessible when clients/colleagues need them.
Beachbore, I think you should just show up at your cubicle and don't worry about the other employees, unless you want to lose your internet and therefore can't post to all the message boards you belong to.
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Great topic Matt, I see that it has already stimulated a great deal of comment.To answer your specific question, I was always faithful whilst in relationships before I came out to live in Thailand. Of course when not in a relationship I had a whale of a time whilst looking for my next partner.
Since moving to Thailand IтАЩve only had one serious relationship and I was monogamous but sadly, my Thai boyfriend was not. When I discovered what he had done we split up for about 2 weeks, but he asked me to take him back, which I did because I missed him deeply. However, things were not the same as before, I felt the trust was gone and requests for money seemed to be never ending, so we just drifted apart. We still talk from time to time and I do genuinely miss him and his family.
It has been nearly 2 years since we split up and despite seeing a huge number of guys from Internet dating sites and visiting bars in Bangkok, Pattaya, Phucket & Chiang Mai I still have not found another boyfriend.
I would add that I have been following your stories about you and Kim with great interest. I found that I could easily identify with some of the events you have shared with us. I had not discovered SGT at that time and now I see that quite a few posters here have managed long term relations with ex-bar boys. I sometimes wonder if I had known another farang in a broadly similar situation to me then maybe I could have shared my feelings and sought his advice. Perhaps then I might have been able to save my relationship. My ex-boyfriend is also from a village in Issan province.
So, to sum up, my preference is therefore to have a monogamous relationship. I find my current situation unsatisfying. Perhaps one day my ex-boyfriend and I will get back together, who knows?
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Interesting post, Jellybean.
Do you live in Pattaya, Bangkok or other? How old are you and what age BF are you after?
cdnmatt is 28/29 years old so probably factoring in different dynamics to most posters here.
If you're seeking a genuine, monogamous relationship, I reckon looking outside the working boy/moneyboy scene is the place to start. You're better off with the more middle class or at least successful working class boy than someone who is reliant on your financial support for a decent quality of life (this reliance blurs feelings/intentions).
If you don't realistically think it'll be practical for you (consider age/looks/personality/charm) to find a boyfriend of the age/looks you must have then consider finding a moneyboy/working boy who is seeking a relationship and genuine, but re-consider insistence for him to be monogamous as this may simply not be realistic. If you were 21 and barely out in the adult world, would you find it easy to be monogamous with a 40+ year old long-term partner?
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachlover
re-consider insistence for him to be monogamous as this may simply not be realistic. If you were 21 and barely out in the adult world, would you find it easy to be monogamous with a 40+ year old long-term partner?
This is good advice. I wonder how much this single unrealistic demand is the root problem of many Falang-Thai relationships. Even the quadragenarians should be careful about this one. It's reasonable to ask that he not be sleeping with other Farang, or for money, but asking a 21y.o. money boy for general sexual monogamy is asking to be lied to.
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
I think you're right, but only in referene to farang/moneyboy relationships. I don't think monogamy works in most of these, unless the boy genuinely loves the farang and money is only a minor secondary reason for being with him (rare for moneyboys).
Older farang who take moneyboy partners need to have the empathy to put themselves in the boy's shoes as discussed here:
gay-thailand-f9/sex-and-relationships-with-prostitutes-t20569.html
When it comes to relationships outside the "working" scene, monogamy isn't so unrealistic or unreasonable in general.
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
A well reasoned post Beachlover and I cannot really disagree with anything you said. I certainly hope that I am being realistic in my expectations of finding a long term companion in Thailand.
Good Lord, you have set me quite a challenging task, which I am not sure that I am up to, but here goes. I split my time between living in Bangkok and London.
Yes, I am older than cdnmatt and I recognise that the dynamics of his situation would not have been exactly the same as mine, although, as I said earlier, I did see some broad similarities. But, despite being older, I claim no advantage or greater or superior knowledge as I had no previous experience in having a relationship with an ex-bar boy or of having a relationship where money was an issue.
So I would have readily taken advice from whatever source I could find as I found myself in previously unchartered territory. I wish I had been aware of SGT at the time, advice from those in successful long term relationships with ex-bar boys would have been of considerable assistance. My friends in London were of no real help, warning me of the dangers and folly of trying to establish a relationship with an ex-bar boy (not their description of him!).
Before I met my boyfriend I had not even considered using Internet dating sites. I spent about 4 years looking for the elusive тАЬMr RightтАЭ in bars, but more often than not I found myself disappointed and continued with my search. But when I met my then boyfriend I seemed to know that he was the one I wanted to have a relationship with, he ticked all the right boxes as they say.
Actually I did not insist that he was monogamous; in fact I donтАЩt think we even discussed the subject, he never seemed interested in anyone else, he said he did not like тАЬbutterfliesтАЭ, he was a family boy, not interested in clubs, drugs or big city life and he seemed at his happiest when we were with his family. If I did insist on anything it was that he drove safely тАУ but hey, that led to more arguments than any other issue and is the subject of a completely different story!
And, I have to say, I was also at my happiest living the quiet rural life in his small village in Issan, which surprised me given that 5 years previously I was enjoying the delights and pleasures of the London club scene and would never have pictured myself happy to live on a farm in northern Thailand. But, unlike cdnmatt, I only spent a few weeks at a time with the family before we returned to Bangkok or I returned to the UK. The family accommodation and toilet facilities in the beginning were absolutely dire. Our plan however was to spend greater time living in the village as time went by. I honestly felt like I had been adopted by his family and the feeling gave me a great deal of contentment, which I have not experienced since.
As regards my boyfriend being faithful, I suppose I was probably operating on the тАЬdonтАЩt ask, donтАЩt tellтАЭ principle. I believed what I did not know would not hurt me, but I had no reason to think he wasnтАЩt being faithful. However, I think most people would draw the line at finding their boyfriend in flagrante delicto with another guy under their own roof. But, as I said in my previous post, we did get back together again 2 weeks later, but then I started to think that the future we had talked about was no longer attainable and that, perhaps, I was being unrealistic. So I decided to cut my losses and move on. It was a painful decision, which was not based on the subject of monogamy but about my ability to continue to support the whole family. I cannot say, hand on heart, that I took the right decision. And given that 2 years have passed since we broke up and I havenтАЩt found a new partner, then it probably means that I still have strong feelings for my ex. I also miss his family and I have been asked on more than one occasion to go and visit them.
After we split up I discovered Internet dating and I met some really lovely guys, but I found that I never had the same feelings for them as I had for my first boyfriend. Many were in the category that you recommend I look at. So whilst quite a fair proportion wanted to be my boyfriend, it was me who wasnтАЩt 100% sure, and I found that I could not make a commitment to them. I am happy to say that in many cases we have remained friends and I continue to keep in touch with them.
Maybe I should content myself with mini-relationships with guys from dating websites and the company of money boys of whom I know quite a few in Bangkok тАУ some would even like to be my boyfriend, but again I am reluctant to commit to another money boy.
I am sure many members here would be very happy with this mixture. But, again, as I said earlier, whilst I find this is pleasurable in the short term, afterwards it leaves me with a dull, empty unsatisfied feeling. But, please donтАЩt get me wrong, I do however consider myself to be extremely lucky to be able to live here in Thailand and to be able to enjoy the company of so many gorgeous Thai guys.
As to the future, well only yesterday I spoke on the тАШphone with a new guy from a dating site, he speaks excellent English, we seemed to have an instant rapport, he looks handsome, has a good sense of humour, has been to university and works for the Interior Ministry so maybe he is exactly the sort of guy you recommend I concentrate on. I shall be seeing him at the weekend - wish me luck!
Re: Who here is truly monogamous?
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