"The Importance Of Harmony In Thai Society"

Stickman discusses conflict in his column this week. Some insights that from my experience are right on.

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Criticism from farangs seems to be typically be seen as not just unwanted, but unwarranted.

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IтАЩm not going to say it is easy, and IтАЩm not going to say that it is right, but if you want to have a relatively stress free life in Thailand, getting along with people, even if you disagree with what they are doing, is oh so important. At the end of the day, kicking up any sort of fuss only damages the relationship. It's defeatist, but it is about the only policy that seems to work a lot of the time. The importance of harmony in Thai society cannot be underestimated. It is huge.

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On my last trip, BF was cheated by a local merchant, my attempt to make it right caused BF to be more upset with me. By my standards this was crazy, but then, this was Thailand. Stickman is right, harmony is huge.

www.stickmanbangkok.com/Weekly2006/weekly272.htm

Of the many heart values important in Thai culture, there are three that are difficult to explain, for there are no close Europees equivalents. The first is nahm-jai, "water that flows from the heart." This refers to the genuine, unconditional generosity that come straight from the heart, without agenda, without ulterior motivation for gain or expectation of return. Through my years of travel, I have been deeply moved by the warmth and overwhelming continual flow of nahm-jai from rural folk.

The second heart value of great importance in Thai society is gkrehng-jai. Gkrehng can be translated as "to be in awe of" or "to fear." This "fear" is not so much the feeling of being afraid of someone as it is a quality of reverence, respect and high regard and an implication of social boundaries. When you gkrehng-jai, you have consideration for someone, and this is shown in considerate behavior toward that person. You may, for instance, be reluctant to impose on someone by asking for a favor, or you may refrain from doing something that you feel may overextend your boundary or cause someone embarrassment or to "lose face." This person for whom you have high regard may in turn reciprocate with considerate behavior toward you. Gkrehng-jai is a very important value in maintaining harmonious social relationships and one that has a protective quality among the people involved. It accounts for the high degree of politeness and civility you see in exchanges among Thai people everywhere.

A third heart value is that of maintaining a "cool heart" (jai-yen) as opposed to a "hot heart" (jai-ron). A person who is jai-yen is patient, forgiving, accepting of the circumstances that life brings, easy-going and can stay calm and collected even in the face of provocation or distress. A hot-hearted person, on the other hand, is impatient, hot-tempered, easily provoked and prone to emotional upsets over seemingly small matters. Having a cool heart is often regarded as a sign of emotional maturity. In a culture that places great importance on social harmony, relationships and feelings, cultivating jai-yen is highly valued. In modern ways of conducting business, however, a person who has a hot heart is gaining favor because he or she has the temperament to demand quick responses from others and to get things done faster. A person with too cool a heart may be too lazy for such high-stress jobs.

Possessing jai-yen goes hand in hand with the easy-going attitude of mai bpen rai, which universally permeates the Thai culture. Mai pen rai ( see post Dodger hi hi hi ), means "it doesn't matter," "it's all right," "it's fine and okay," "never mind," and so on, reflecting a penchant to go with the flow of things and not to hold on to expectations and disappointments. Thai people brush aside things that don't turn out well with a "mai bpen rai," saying it with a smile and moving on to something else that may provide just as much satisfaction. If there is little one can do to change things, saying "mai bpen rai" may be preferable to pursuing the matter, especially if the change may impose on someone else's feelings. If you visit Thailand, be sure to practice a mai bpen rai attitude along with a big smile, and you will endear yourself to the gentle and easy-going people. Give your linear, analytical mind a vacation and experience this "Land of Smiles" with your heart. Keep your heart cool, too; the weather and food are hot enough so that you won't need any extra heat to spoil your days there. :clown:

For the past decade or so I've made it a personal goal to not speak in "absolutes," so you'll rarely see the words "always" or "never" in my posts on the board because there is very little in life that's black or white.

That said, it's been my experience in dealing with the Thai here at home, on line (and especially in the LOS) that baziel has it right on the nose. His post above encapsulates it better than I've read in anywhere for a long time -- and I wish I'd have said it! Well, done, baziel.

I learned by watching my father that remaining calm while not just rolling over and giving in was usually the best way to getting done what you wanted done...somewhat along the lines of the "pick your battles" way of life. On my first visit there, I felt that my friend had been taken advantage of by someone in a mall store and went back with him to correct the injustice. The shopkeeper was unwilling to budge, and when I began to "discuss" the situation in a more aggressive (read: Westernized") way I lost the battle; both with the shopkeeper and in the eyes of my friend.

Walking through Chatuchak market that first trip I noticed something you'd VERY rarely see here in the US: an enormous crowd in relative harmony... not pushing and shoving, just all moving like a school of fish, as if to say "hey, we're all going to the same place, anyway - why not move together." Here at home it would have been people elbowing you out of the way to get in front of you, all the while giving that good ol' American Glare. And THAT, my friends, is the difference between the Thai and much of the Western World that I've seen so far, especially the USA.

Most of the problems I've had with the Thai are with the ones who've become "Westernized" -- those who've adopted the "Me First" attitude. Being assertive and not allowing oneself to be walked on is one thing, but most in the US have carried that to a gross fault.

I was home after my first visit there and just leaving the parking garage and was cut off by TWO people before even getting to the pay window. I said to my friend who was there to pick me up "well, I'm back in the US of A", and felt the saddest I'd felt since seeing Bangkok disappear out the window after leaving Don Muang.

Leaving out some gross examples (i.e the prison system and political corruption) I say there are things the Thai could learn from the West about business and organization, but there's a lot MORE we could learn from the Thai about being fair and humane in our everyday dealings.

Thanks for the post, baziel. I hope I've added something with my two satangs' worth here.

I am still puzzled why farangs are so interested in "blending" in to Thai society. You pretty much can't. Ever. Seems schizo to even try very hard.

Its like sucking up to a CAT (who doesn't give a damn).

There are countries that farangs can move to and EASILY become permanent residents or even citizens. In those countries, it makes alot more sense to try to blend in.

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Originally Posted by bao-bao

Thanks for the post, baziel.

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baziel usually cannot string two words together in coherent english so I suspect this is a copy and paste with no acknowledgement in the best tradition of LMTU, and I think Thaiquila is closer to the truth - don't bother trying to blend in here, you will never be accepted!

bkkguy

I am always interested in this idea of jai-yen. The reason is because while it may be an ideal for Thais, I certainly see a great deal of jai-ron behavior in LOS. I do think many Thais try to maintain jai-yen, but I also see many every day that lose the battle.

IMO, the most important line from Stickman's column is this one:

"The idea of Thailand being a non-confrontational society seems to apply to farangs much more than it does to the Thais."

I try to be jai-yen everywhere in the world I go, including LOS. Yet I'm not going to sweat it much if I don't hold myself to some magical standard that my hosts don't set for themselves.

Pete

Those that think Thailand is unaccepting of immigration conveniently overlook the Chinese influx of the 18th and early 19th century, which has been better integrated and accepted here than in any other country in Southeast Asia. How many years away do you think Malaysia or Indonesia is from having an ethnic Chinese premier?

I also think there's a fair bit of rose-colored goggling if you think countries like the US, Canada, the UK, Germany, etc., are such paradises for immigrants. I suggest you ask a Turkish immigrant to Germany, or a Pakistani immigrant to the UK or Canada, how much they feel accepted as a "German"/"Canadian". In the US, you have millions of people who "hyphenated Americans" -- Mexican-Americans, Asian-Americans, etc., etc., who are never viewed as simply "Americans" because their appearance and culture is not the white bread norm.

Chinese are ASIANS. We here mostly are FARANGS.

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Originally Posted by bkkguy

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Originally Posted by bao-bao

Thanks for the post, baziel.

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baziel usually cannot string two words together in coherent english

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English ( big E ), bkkguy !


[quote:2c0rb3th] you will never be accepted!

bkkguy

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Mai bpen rai bkkguy !

You 're wrong about cats and you're wrong about the Thai. A cat is indifferent until it concludes by your actions that you are someone with whom it wants a relationship... then try to get rid of it. The same it true of the Thais. And probably the same is true of us. The Thais have reasons to be sceptical of farangs until we display the "hearts" described in Bazil's post.