Smiles
March 12th, 2006, 00:13
Some good old-fashioned advice for living ... especially about shoes. ( http://www.globeandmail.com )
Five simple rules for cutting the drama
LEAH McLAREN
Globe & Mail
The philosophical debate is raging. What works best in the long term for (gay men ): a simple life or a complicated existence? Should you pare things down -- take on fewer responsibilities, have fewer children, cook meals with fewer ingredients and wear only classic black -- or should you go the eclectic devil-may-care route, allowing work projects, loved ones, social events and impulse buys to accumulate until your social calendar looks like a detonated minefield?
I'm not signing on for either. The path that leads to inner peace and self-actualization looks as boring as porridge, while the other option gives me a panic attack just thinking about it. What I want to know is how does one go about getting what one wants -- i.e. a great job, a loving family, a rocking social life, outside cultural interests, a beautiful home and effortless personal style like that of, say, Reese Witherspoon -- without turning into an overscheduled Stepford wife for the new millennium?
I don't have the answer. But I do have a hint. The trick to living a fulfilling, honest and examined life -- what I like to call a real life for a real person -- is to cut out all unnecessary drama. I know it works because I recently did it in my own life.
By drama, I mean the stuff that doesn't count -- the headaches, kerfuffles, anxieties and social melodramas that serve only to waste your time, energy and attention. Indulging in unnecessary drama is not just a time-waster, it's a destructive psychological pattern that can prevent you from getting what you actually want. Do away with it, and you will be free. I'm serious. Cut it out. Right now.
Here are some practical tips (apologies to Dr. Phil).
1. Cut all liars -- every last lying one of them -- out of your life. Lies are like mice: There is never just one.
I know this from personal experience. For many years, I had a good friend who was a liar. She lied to her boyfriend and to the men she cheated on her boyfriend with. She lied to her parents, her boss, her friends and even to her therapist. Unnecessary drama was her drug. She craved the attention and also the punishment of being found out (like all liars, she was full of secret self-loathing).
She confided in me about all of her lies and for a long time I deluded myself into thinking that she did not lie to me. But like everyone who gets close to a liar, I ended up feeling betrayed and hurt when it was my turn to be deceived. I shouldn't have been surprised. Betrayal is built into the liar's DNA.
In the future, I'll be more careful. And you should too. If you know someone's a liar, don't date them, don't befriend them and don't do business with them. Nip the relationship in the bud and get as far away as fast as you can.
2. Don't be a martyr or expect others to feel your pain. If you want to do something nice, go ahead. But don't do it so you can moan about it later.
Feelings of self-pity and martyrdom are usually motivated by a need to prove that you are right and those around you are wrong. This impulse is the opposite of generous. Let go of this false moral high ground. Work hard and give your time because you enjoy it, not so you can show everyone what a giver you are.
3. Don't expect things from the people around you -- expect things from yourself.
I used to do this really sick thing where instead of reminding my friends and loved ones that I had a birthday coming up, I'd keep quiet and wait to see whether they remembered. If they didn't, I'd be plunged into a tsunami of self-pity (Waah! I'm getting old and nobody loves me!). When they did remember, I'd feel relieved, but in a flat, ho-hum way. I realized a part of me was almost disappointed when people remembered my birthday, because it precluded my annual pity party. I had become more attached to the drama than the love of the people around me.
Expectation is the quickest route to disappointment. If you need something from someone, ask them for it. In the meantime, think of what you can do for your friends and loved ones. It will come back to you in turn.
4. Know your body. Ever notice how the drama quotient in your life goes up when you're hungry, tired, anxious, drunk ... ?
I know it sounds obvious, but if you're suffering from one or many of the above, you are in no condition to be picking a fight or engaging in an emotionally intense discussion.
Learn to understand your body and take note of it -- literally. If you notice you're feeling hormonal in the morning, take a pen and write an "H" on the back of your hand. All day long it will remind you of how you are feeling. You can't control your mood swings, but you can control how you react to them.
5. Always put yourself in the other person's place. I know it's a classic, but it bears repeating.
Much of life's unnecessary upsets could be easily avoided if people thought before they blabbed. It's not just a matter of empathy, it's about practical communication. Before you send an e-mail message or voice an opinion, consider this: If I was the listener, how would this opinion/request/comment sound? If the answer is not your intended reaction, reword accordingly.
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Smarten up: A suit demands good shoes
RUSSELL SMITH
Globe & Mail
It pains us to have to revisit this subject. We have been admonishing Canadian men about their shoes for so many years now that we flattered ourselves into thinking that we might have had some effect.
And yet, unbelievably, we are still seeing grown men, adult men, who are going to dress-up occasions -- awards dinners and weddings -- in perfectly fashionable, expensive wool suits, and not paying any attention to their shoes.
It's as if they are remembering at the very last second that they need shoes, and their daily Doc Martens are there on the bedroom floor, so they say, hey, no one will notice -- they're black, aren't they?
Listen: Your everyday shoes are scuffed. The rubber soles are visibly whittled. At their worst, they have metal grommets around the eyelets (!!), or they have yellow stitching around the sole (vide your Doc Martens). Or they have a padded collar around the top of the vamp, like running shoes.
Or they are the low-vamp loafers that are so comfy because they are actually worn out. Or they are your winter boots with the zippers up the insides (you think they look just like shoes, and no one will notice, right?).
They do not match your suit. In fact, they ruin it. They make it clear that this is a once-a-year, dress-up outfit, one that you are not fully confident in, one that you think is something of an imposition; in short, a look you don't own.
So, once more: If you are wearing a suit and tie, you need proper dress-up leather shoes with leather soles. They will have actual laces, and the eyelets will not be adorned in any way.
We know, plenty of men wear slip-ons with suits these days, and we think they go perfectly well with a casual suit with no tie, or with a sports jacket, but we are conservative enough to believe, still, that the full Monty requires laces. (Unless of course you are in the Advanced Class, and own a pair of, say, brown Canali loafers that you believe to perfectly match your navy Zegna suit: in that case, go ahead; we are not speaking to you. We are speaking to the guy who believes that it is somehow bad for his soul to care about such things.)
There is plenty of space for expression and style within these strictures: These shoes may be black or brown or oxblood, and they may be narrow and pointy or blunt. (The current vogue is for narrow shoes with a blunt toe.)
They may have different seams (such as toe caps, or a split toe) sewn into them. They may have the ornate punched-leather strips on them that makes them brogues or wing-tips. (Unless you are wearing black tie, in which case plain black oxfords are necessary.) But the sole will be stiff and intact, not eroded like old asphalt. And they must, above all, be clean and polished.
We need hardly add that readers of this column do not own loafers of any colour with little tassels on them. If you find a pair in your possession, discard them immediately. They may be contaminating the rest of your wardrobe.
It is a myth that formal shoes are uncomfortable. The more expensive the shoe, in fact, the more likely it is to be the most comfortable shoe you own, particularly if you wear it in for a year or so.
If you wear casual shoes with your suit, (gay men) in particular will notice them right away, and write you off as someone who is not yet fully grown.
Cheers ....
Five simple rules for cutting the drama
LEAH McLAREN
Globe & Mail
The philosophical debate is raging. What works best in the long term for (gay men ): a simple life or a complicated existence? Should you pare things down -- take on fewer responsibilities, have fewer children, cook meals with fewer ingredients and wear only classic black -- or should you go the eclectic devil-may-care route, allowing work projects, loved ones, social events and impulse buys to accumulate until your social calendar looks like a detonated minefield?
I'm not signing on for either. The path that leads to inner peace and self-actualization looks as boring as porridge, while the other option gives me a panic attack just thinking about it. What I want to know is how does one go about getting what one wants -- i.e. a great job, a loving family, a rocking social life, outside cultural interests, a beautiful home and effortless personal style like that of, say, Reese Witherspoon -- without turning into an overscheduled Stepford wife for the new millennium?
I don't have the answer. But I do have a hint. The trick to living a fulfilling, honest and examined life -- what I like to call a real life for a real person -- is to cut out all unnecessary drama. I know it works because I recently did it in my own life.
By drama, I mean the stuff that doesn't count -- the headaches, kerfuffles, anxieties and social melodramas that serve only to waste your time, energy and attention. Indulging in unnecessary drama is not just a time-waster, it's a destructive psychological pattern that can prevent you from getting what you actually want. Do away with it, and you will be free. I'm serious. Cut it out. Right now.
Here are some practical tips (apologies to Dr. Phil).
1. Cut all liars -- every last lying one of them -- out of your life. Lies are like mice: There is never just one.
I know this from personal experience. For many years, I had a good friend who was a liar. She lied to her boyfriend and to the men she cheated on her boyfriend with. She lied to her parents, her boss, her friends and even to her therapist. Unnecessary drama was her drug. She craved the attention and also the punishment of being found out (like all liars, she was full of secret self-loathing).
She confided in me about all of her lies and for a long time I deluded myself into thinking that she did not lie to me. But like everyone who gets close to a liar, I ended up feeling betrayed and hurt when it was my turn to be deceived. I shouldn't have been surprised. Betrayal is built into the liar's DNA.
In the future, I'll be more careful. And you should too. If you know someone's a liar, don't date them, don't befriend them and don't do business with them. Nip the relationship in the bud and get as far away as fast as you can.
2. Don't be a martyr or expect others to feel your pain. If you want to do something nice, go ahead. But don't do it so you can moan about it later.
Feelings of self-pity and martyrdom are usually motivated by a need to prove that you are right and those around you are wrong. This impulse is the opposite of generous. Let go of this false moral high ground. Work hard and give your time because you enjoy it, not so you can show everyone what a giver you are.
3. Don't expect things from the people around you -- expect things from yourself.
I used to do this really sick thing where instead of reminding my friends and loved ones that I had a birthday coming up, I'd keep quiet and wait to see whether they remembered. If they didn't, I'd be plunged into a tsunami of self-pity (Waah! I'm getting old and nobody loves me!). When they did remember, I'd feel relieved, but in a flat, ho-hum way. I realized a part of me was almost disappointed when people remembered my birthday, because it precluded my annual pity party. I had become more attached to the drama than the love of the people around me.
Expectation is the quickest route to disappointment. If you need something from someone, ask them for it. In the meantime, think of what you can do for your friends and loved ones. It will come back to you in turn.
4. Know your body. Ever notice how the drama quotient in your life goes up when you're hungry, tired, anxious, drunk ... ?
I know it sounds obvious, but if you're suffering from one or many of the above, you are in no condition to be picking a fight or engaging in an emotionally intense discussion.
Learn to understand your body and take note of it -- literally. If you notice you're feeling hormonal in the morning, take a pen and write an "H" on the back of your hand. All day long it will remind you of how you are feeling. You can't control your mood swings, but you can control how you react to them.
5. Always put yourself in the other person's place. I know it's a classic, but it bears repeating.
Much of life's unnecessary upsets could be easily avoided if people thought before they blabbed. It's not just a matter of empathy, it's about practical communication. Before you send an e-mail message or voice an opinion, consider this: If I was the listener, how would this opinion/request/comment sound? If the answer is not your intended reaction, reword accordingly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smarten up: A suit demands good shoes
RUSSELL SMITH
Globe & Mail
It pains us to have to revisit this subject. We have been admonishing Canadian men about their shoes for so many years now that we flattered ourselves into thinking that we might have had some effect.
And yet, unbelievably, we are still seeing grown men, adult men, who are going to dress-up occasions -- awards dinners and weddings -- in perfectly fashionable, expensive wool suits, and not paying any attention to their shoes.
It's as if they are remembering at the very last second that they need shoes, and their daily Doc Martens are there on the bedroom floor, so they say, hey, no one will notice -- they're black, aren't they?
Listen: Your everyday shoes are scuffed. The rubber soles are visibly whittled. At their worst, they have metal grommets around the eyelets (!!), or they have yellow stitching around the sole (vide your Doc Martens). Or they have a padded collar around the top of the vamp, like running shoes.
Or they are the low-vamp loafers that are so comfy because they are actually worn out. Or they are your winter boots with the zippers up the insides (you think they look just like shoes, and no one will notice, right?).
They do not match your suit. In fact, they ruin it. They make it clear that this is a once-a-year, dress-up outfit, one that you are not fully confident in, one that you think is something of an imposition; in short, a look you don't own.
So, once more: If you are wearing a suit and tie, you need proper dress-up leather shoes with leather soles. They will have actual laces, and the eyelets will not be adorned in any way.
We know, plenty of men wear slip-ons with suits these days, and we think they go perfectly well with a casual suit with no tie, or with a sports jacket, but we are conservative enough to believe, still, that the full Monty requires laces. (Unless of course you are in the Advanced Class, and own a pair of, say, brown Canali loafers that you believe to perfectly match your navy Zegna suit: in that case, go ahead; we are not speaking to you. We are speaking to the guy who believes that it is somehow bad for his soul to care about such things.)
There is plenty of space for expression and style within these strictures: These shoes may be black or brown or oxblood, and they may be narrow and pointy or blunt. (The current vogue is for narrow shoes with a blunt toe.)
They may have different seams (such as toe caps, or a split toe) sewn into them. They may have the ornate punched-leather strips on them that makes them brogues or wing-tips. (Unless you are wearing black tie, in which case plain black oxfords are necessary.) But the sole will be stiff and intact, not eroded like old asphalt. And they must, above all, be clean and polished.
We need hardly add that readers of this column do not own loafers of any colour with little tassels on them. If you find a pair in your possession, discard them immediately. They may be contaminating the rest of your wardrobe.
It is a myth that formal shoes are uncomfortable. The more expensive the shoe, in fact, the more likely it is to be the most comfortable shoe you own, particularly if you wear it in for a year or so.
If you wear casual shoes with your suit, (gay men) in particular will notice them right away, and write you off as someone who is not yet fully grown.
Cheers ....