A day in the life of a Quality Tourist

A day in the life of a Quality Tourist

5am. Get up for your sightseeing. Have salmonella eggs for breakfast.
6am. Give alms to monks. They are Burmese since Thais don't want to be monks anymore.
7am. See a temple.
8am. See another temple.

9am. See a market where your guide gets a kickback on what you buy.
10am. See yet another temple.
11am. When you return to your hotel, the driver acts offended if you don't give him a tip.
12am. Lunch. Take Imodium with the bird flu chicken.

1pm. Enjoy a fistfight with a baht bus driver over the fare.
2pm. Go shopping for electronics. Wonder why they cost the same as back home.
3pm. Dodge an underage jailbait moneyboy who tries to grab your arm in the shopping mall. Get sullen stares from plainclothes farang and Thai police who are watching.
4pm. Get filmed by a farang television crew hiding in the bushes as you give a street kid 20 baht. Expect to be disowned by your family and fired from your job when the program runs on Farangland TV.
5pm. Try to have a nap despite the faulty air condition in your room.

6pm. Hit the "nightlife". Have dinner while swatting mosquitos. Take more Imodium.
8pm. The bars open.
8.30pm. Police raid. Pee in a plastic cup.
9pm. Watch over-21-only fully dressed go-go boys stand around in a bar. Be pestered by mamasan to take one of them off.
10pm. Closing hour. Take your rental back to your room. Add 50% to your room charge.
10.15pm. Can not. Too big. You give me money 2 000 baht.
10.30pm. Sleep.

9:30 AM: Wakey wakey.
9:35 AM: Check the other side of the bed; try to remember...Was I really that drunk!
9:35 AM: Remove chin-strap and scrape off half-jar Ponds night cream: save the night cream.
9:40 AM: Now ready to have seconds with last nights 'off.' (Here's where you use the night cream.)
9:48 AM: Begin half-hour recovery nap.
9:48 AM He watches a soap\15 minutes of screaming & crying ladies, 15 Min's of lady-boy camping & doing hair.
10:20AM: While he showers, find your thong, sandals and clean white socks.
10:30AM: Kiss, Tip & bid Num a long, tearful bye-bye.
10:31AM: Three S's & dress.
10:46AM: Off to the song tau. Drop off laundry? Oops! Your wearing it!
11:00AM: Arrive at Jomtien. Throw hissy if someone is in your chair. Order a G&T.
11:30AM: Drink arrives. Ask for men-oo.
11:45AM: Buy doe-nuss... to tide you over.
12:00PM: Brunch. Throw a hissy because eggs are cold--And drink is warm.
12:30PM: Trip to the horng-nam.
12:40PM: Culture time: read two pages of Ann Rice (Discover she's not Asian.) or Lady Fartland.
12:50PM: Try to get a peek up silk vendor's shorts when he bends over to find the same stuff you've seen 20 times.
1:00 PM: Nap. (With one eye open for boys who were lucky enough not to be offed last night.)
2:00 PM: Order a tangmo shake--with gin.
2:30 PM: Trip to the horng-nam.
2:45 PM: Bitch-fest with falang in next chair over the declining quality of tourists, beach-boys, the air, etc.
3:00 PM: Pay check bin, make sure not overcharged. If undercharged, mai-phen rai; it makes up for that day....
3:15 PM: Back on the song-tau. (Stop at horng-nam on the way.)
3:30 PM: Stop at currency exchange, 1 baht Internet cafe, mini mart. Pick up laundry?
3:45 PM: 'Happy hour.' (Where the hell's a happy hour when you really need one!)
4:00 PM: Go to the room. Have a snack G & T. Watch Fox news. Talk back to the media whore.
4:45 PM: Take medicine for upper respiratory infection picked up on the plane?...Or too much sa-moking?
5:00 PM: Beauty nap.
6:00 PM: Three S's. Pack on the corn-silk makeup: As usual, beauty nap didn't work--And why'm I gaining weight?
7:00 PM: Go to dinner. Wish you'd arrived fifteen minutes ago as all the best tables are gone.
7:15 PM: Order the special, whether you like it or not, because it's twenty baht cheaper.
8:30 PM: Toddle off to a bar. Nurse drink. Scowl at boys.
9:30 PM: Toddle off to a bar. Nurse drink. Frown at boys.
10:30 PM: Toddle off to a bar. Nurse drink. Smile at boys. Repeat until closing time.
Closing time: Pick up a not-offed go-go boy or waiter on the street. If this doesn't work?
And here's where the day gets exciting--The element of suspense:
A: Head for Beach Road. Get bashed on the head with a coconut & rolled.
B: Stagger back to the hotel straight from the bar. Num from last night is waiting in the lobby...if you're lucky.
C: You just saved ____ baht, you lucky dog! (Play with the douch-hose. Where can I buy one to take home?)

what about your twice-weekly carpet bowls matches ? not good enough for a low-life ?? :geek:

what about your twice-weekly carpet bowls matches ? not good enough for a low-life?

I would never class them as low-life, dear. They are the cultural--As in: 'bacterial'--high-point of my week!
(Right after Rama's Revenge...same-same as The Taksin Two-step.) :pottytrain5: :pottytrain4:

www.youtube.com/w/ya-ya-yah---pattaya-live?v=vLnZ4haZTzI&search=pattaya (http://www.youtube.com/w/ya-ya-yah---pattaya-live?v=vLnZ4haZTzI&search=pattaya)