Finding an old long lost Thai boy (boo hoo)

I can't get this guy out of my mind.

We used to be a typical farang tourist/ long distance relationship type couple, but lost contact for about 5 years now. It was my fault that the contact ended, so I regret that. There never was an actual breakup. I loved him, I doubt he loved me.

Now, as an ex barboy, he could be anywhere, or dead.

Does anyone here have experience in finding someone like this and who could help, and how much would it cost? I doubt we would ever be together again, but I want closure.

Let this be a warning to others to properly break up with people so you can move on.

[ned kelly-old]

As you are no doubt aware, the majority of Pattaya bar-boys are from the Isaan rural areas, and I imagine quite likely for your long lost friend. Do you know what village he came from? If so it should be possible to ask around other boys if they know of any others currently in town from the same area. If you can find someone from the same village you have a better than even chance that they will be able to give you some leads. Best of luck.

Yes, if he was a village boy, that would be a good lead.
However, he is from a larger city not far from Pattaya and his mother was quite sick when I met her. Plus, he had moved to Bangkok from there.
I do know his full Thai name Romanized. And thats it.

5 years ago a lot of the bar boys wre from the Chiang Mai area. Posting a pic or the name and bar he use to work for would help. Give us all the info you have. I have been going to thailand since 94 with over 32 trips being completed. You might also post a pic and a note in Sticky Rice on line.

Thats a good idea about posting a pic. If he is still alive, I doubt he is in the scene anymore. He wasn't happy being a barboy. He wasn't very good at it though of course he was stunning.

Yes, Honey, please post a pic for all the world to see! Better still, post one of his schlong, as that is all I remember from my offs Hon.

It really is time for you to move on Dear.

I am sure he would remember me because I took him all over Thailand including his first Songkran in Chiang Mai, and we saw each other for over 3 years. I agree I should forget him. But I haven't and don't think I ever will. Now that I live here there are so many places I go that I went with him, so there are constant reminders.

Well give us his name and info. Where did he work etc.

I can't get this guy out of my mind.....

.... but I want closure.

Let this be a warning to others to properly break up with people so you can move on.

Not sure exactly what you are looking for. What is the "proper" way to break up?
Shake hands and say "lets be friends"?
Have a long drawn out conversation about why the relationship didn't work?
A fistfight?

Are you sure you're not secretly longing to get back together with him?

And after 5 years are you really sure he wants to see YOU again?

I would suggest you just walk away. Let him live his life.

(PS - what exactly is "closure" and why is it so important?)

(PS - what exactly is "closure" and why is it so important?)

I agree with KenC.
Closure is generally a guilty conscience. In this instance I think though it means to try and fool your self into thinking a proper long term relationship isn't the best kind there is, even if you now know that it is highly unlikely ever to happen.
Stan the man, that sort of thing, plenty more drooling old farts where that came from. Give him a break, the last thing he wants to be reminded of is some bleeding old lost cash cow with misplaced regrets.

I disagree there ar several boys that I would like to see again just to see how they are making out and where they ended up. Its really nothing to do with sex as the ones I care about ended up as friends rather than tricks.

I disagree there ar several boys that I would like to see again just to see how they are making out and where they ended up. Its really nothing to do with sex as the ones I care about ended up as friends rather than tricks.


Luvthai,


Yep, As you have said and usually most people with a heart, this happens to!

All interesting points.
Each person and each situation is different.

I don't choose to feel the way I do, I just do.

To answer some of the points, I don't see how it has anything to do with guilt. Not that I don't have some cause to feel guilty, I just don't feel that I do. His last communication to me was a letter that was pleading me to contact him, did I forget him, and I ignored it. I realize he may not want to see me at all and might be married with kids or being kept in Copenhagen. I have no idea. Also, didn't mean to deceive, but yes of course I do harbor faint hope we would get together again. He would be older now and maybe more mature emotionally.Whatever was going on when I was with him was very intense, at least for me. I said I doubt he loved me but I don't know for sure, maybe he did in that way that is possible in these kinds of relationships.

Rationally, I totally agree, I should forget about it. Its not like I am tortured about it everyday. It just comes up sometimes especially if I am in a place that I associate with him. I get the feeling worse when I visit Saphan Kwai where I met him. I could avoid going there but sometimes I still go there knowing how it will make me feel.

As far as posting his name/pic, is this fair to him, his privacy, to post his name and/or pic when there is indeed a good chance he doesn't want to be found? Plus, the way in which we met might be embarassing to him now. Also, not even sure if this would be allowed on this board. Practically, I don't have a scan of him, only prints, but that part could be solved. I realize it would provide some entertainment if I post this stuff, but not sure it is the right thing to do.

As far as closure, not sure that is the best way to describe my desire. Think of this example. A parent who you were in quarrel with died on you before you got the chance to tell them you loved them. That would be unfinished emotional business in your life. You would feel bad about it and you would regret it. Well, this thing with this guy feels similar to that for me. Unfinished emotional business.

Yep, As you have said and usually most people with a heart, this happens to!

Several times a year I believe.

(PS - what exactly is "closure" and why is it so important?)
'Closure' is American psycho-babble used by inadequate people who are unable to put the past behind them and get on with their lives. It's not important except to those who find the need to look for it because they are mentally unable to overcome their emotions!! :geek:

[Aunty]

(PS - what exactly is "closure" and why is it so important?)

I agree with KenC.
Closure is generally a guilty conscience.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that Cedric. A need for closure might also suggest that beneath the surface there remains an ongoing longing, or wanting, or need for someone, that lingers unanswered, and that comes into consciousness when it's triggered by certain people, places or events. I imagine that closure for most would mean that the presence of this emotional dissonance ends, it finishes, unanswered questions are answered and one returns to a state of emotional neutrality about that person, place or event. A need for closure is perfectly natural and normal in people as far as I'm concerned.

Why do you get so emotionally attached to these whores and prostitutes !

They are there to service us,to pleasure us and for us to use and abuse them,not to be emotionally attached to them!

That said,i have purchased a new leather belt today with studs on it ready to go to work on some ladyboys ass tonight!


Correct wx40afp,

But some of the people here like you to break it to them a little more gentle, be NICE!!

Do you remember Mr. Roy Orbison, "If you can't say something nice...................."


Kevin

(PS - what exactly is "closure" and why is it so important?)

I agree with KenC.
Closure is generally a guilty conscience.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that Cedric. A need for closure might also suggest that beneath the surface there remains an ongoing longing, or wanting, or need for someone, that lingers unanswered, and that comes into consciousness when it's triggered by certain people, places or events. I imagine that closure for most would mean that the presence of this emotional dissonance ends, it finishes, unanswered questions are answered and one returns to a state of emotional neutrality about that person, place or event. A need for closure is perfectly natural and normal in people as far as I'm concerned.

It seems "closure" is different things to different people, maybe Snowkat has a point. If "closure" is as you say Aunty, what right do we have to expect it at all. Isn't this a bit neurotic. Its not like you can go out and "get you some", assuming it is what you say it is, lack of it feeds the poet in all of us and starves the self gratification that its resolve would inevitably bring, if it were ever possible to reach such a point as "closure".

Emotional neutrality could be seen as a bit of a brain dead thing? I yearn for this closure that you talk about, but happily it is just never to be.

[allieb]

Raksiam

I understand where you are coming from but my advise is let it go unless you really intend and want to pick up where you left off. If not you will only fuck your own mind up as well as his.

I am having a similar experience as you. On my second trip to Thailand I met Mr fantastic and had a 3 year long distance relationship with him. it ended for a very good reason

On a following trip to Thailand, People places etc. made me remember him made me sad and generally to tell you the truth I have now realized that my love of Thailand and all Thai things was really all because of him.

I used to come 3 times a year and now I have only returned once since the break. It was a strange trip with his memory haunting me everywhere I went. I know where he is and he still has the same phone number. He called last week and I just ignored the call. I did this to keep my sanity.

He gave me a fantastic time and made me feel like a king every time I came to Thailand. I knew he has at least 2 other BFs.

I now know I was in love with lust and good times and to imagine picking up with him again is not an option, I would be deceiving myself. What done is done, Although some days something jogs my memory like a song on the radio and I become all weak again and think of him.

I don't know what made you break up with your boy but it must have been a dam good reason to let it go 3 years until now. Let this boy of yours go and just remember to good times with a smile on your face and move on. Unless of course you intend to get back together.

One last thing.What is it these Thai boys have that seems to take over ones sanity?I try to think of them as Just whores which is what it all boils down to, but once in LOS the sanity floats away again and and I am back in La La land.

[Lunchtime O'Booze]

"Does anyone here have experience in finding someone like this and who could help"..

never CHASE up old boyfriends..big mistake.

when I was young I had lovely telegram boy as a lover..I used to send myself telegrams so he could deliver them on his pushbike and then come inside for a few hours...he was golden haired, muscular brown skin..a young Adonis.

years later I was visiting my home town and wanted to look him up..I sent messages everywhere and finally someone said he was dying to see me again..I had beautiful dreams of whisking him off to bed still wearing his little red peak cap..and with his red bike lying on the floor..wheels spinning..his post office bag hooked over the door nob...

the door bell rang and I flung the door open..a hideous fat old fag stood there..great belly hanging over his belt..gnarled up face..green rotting teeth..foul breath..big bunch of flowers..and on his bald head a few wisps of greasy hair sticking out under a little red post office cap...

It's me !! Lawrence..your telegram boy ""

urrgggg..it took me years to recover.
:pukeright:

Hearing your remarks, sometimes brutal, are helping me start to think about this differently.

Yes, there were good reasons that in effect I did dump him. But I also think I never stopped loving him and still love him and probably always will. Lets put it this way: he was my first Thai boy in Thailand, before the illusions were shattered, and although I have had affairs since then, I have never loved another, or met one I would feel comfortable living with. Is this blocking me from loving another, the way it ended with him, or is it a mixture of that along with the shattering of illusions? I don't really know.

I know he wouldn't nearly be as hot now. In my mind, if we met and there was a renewal of the connection we had, that wouldn't matter. But imagining that and the reality of it could be totally different.

Yep, I admit it. I sound messed up. What is it about those Thai boys indeed!

So very true lunching on booze, same happened to me but it was only five years later. A little lad I used to let exercise some of the horses for my Mum, he was very keen to learn and I to teach. I had evil thoughts about him after my balls eventually dropped through the floor, so I tracked him down. He was living all alone in a cavernous 30's house, ravaged by weather and crime, no electric lights anymore no heating. He was only 19 we are almost the same age, but what puberty can do to a body is mind blowing, even his teeth had jettisoned forwards and outwards. Not being shallow I stayed for a candle lit supper of tinned baked beans and beer also out of a can, the tomato boxes made a good fire wood after being used for a table. We had a good time, we got on well. But what a scary place, I had to sleep on a some mouldy plywood with some wall insulation for a blanket. Wish he would get a little dog at least and a curtain or two he can well afford it, the nut-case, just cant find the bank anymore.

I felt sad for allieb, it made me quite tearful. All gone cold. Cheer up, I.....er, well just cheer up. There's a good boy.

So you want no help finding him, then why did you start this thread? A pic a name the bar he worked in we ask for these and get nothing. So keep the memories.

So you want no help finding him, then why did you start this thread? A pic a name the bar he worked in we ask for these and get nothing. So keep the memories.
I hear you.

I was wondering if there is a way to find a "missing" person through more discreet Thai channels. Someone mentioned a private detective agency. I was wondering if anyone had experience with this or even a suggestion. How would a Thai find a missing person? I don't think publicly publishing their picture would be such a popular choice. I also doubt this will help, but here goes:

Nickname: Aey
Birth Nickname: Moo (Pig)
Name: Pongsak Sotonvanawong
Hometown: Chachoengsao
Age: Would be about 28 or 29 now
Ethnicity: Father Chinese Christian (know to be deceased). Mother Isaan Thai
Worked: Alladin Bar, Saphan Kwai in Bangkok (now closed), met in October 1998

He certainly had other farangs in his clutches, maybe someone reading this (ha ha).

[Lunchtime O'Booze]

if he's Thai and 28/29 he's probably still good looking.

take no notice of me..I'm drunk at present.

"
....never CHASE up old boyfriends..big mistake.



I've had almost the same experience as Boozy and Ceddie!
Had a crush on the school geek all thru middle school and High school. Well I finally met up with him again after 20 years. He was still a geek but had lost any youthful attractiveness he once had and had developed some bad personal idiosyncracies over they years.
I think what I was really searching for was my lost youth. I guess I was trying to find "closure" for ancient sexual longings that I wasn't able to fulfill when I was young.
I guess "closure" like trying to close the barn door after the cows left. It might make you feel better but the cows are still gone.

There are detective agencies in Bangkok. The old Stickman website used to advertise one (not his own!) and had an interview once with the owner. You can google around and find the old articles.

But the only things a Private Dick will be able to tell you is stuff like where the guy lives, what his job is and what his marital status is. He won't be able to tell you if the guy still (or ever did) love you, if he wants to get back together with you, will it work this time etc etc. In other words stuff you really want to know!

I've broken up 5 times in my life. There is no good way to do it esp. if one of the parties isn't ready. Its human nature to have longings and regrets and what-ifs. And one always wonders "What ever happened to...", which is why High School reunions are still popular.

But just like getting back on the horse after you've been thrown, or the best cure for a hangover is "the hair of the dog that bit you" (ask Boozy!), the best cure for a Thai Guy is:

A NEW THAI GUY

Go out and get yourself a new Beau, Raksiam!

(PS, "closure" sounds a lot like "absolution". If that's the case I suggest you find a Priest - preferably Catholic as they do Guilt the best.)

I guess I was trying to find "closure" for ancient sexual longings that I wasn't able to fulfill when I was young.
I guess "closure" like trying to close the barn door after the cows left. It might make you feel better but the cows are still gone.


KenC, you have struck a chord here, it is painfully sweet, the gentle high pitched song of the son of the water man in the early dawn as they fiddle around outside the open window filling the tanks. How come noise on Bali is always so melodic, its almost like it's on purpose, turning noise into music, elsewhere its just a fucking ear ache.

There could be a gap I feel in our lives as gay men, it is the early days of our sexual awakening, well before, during and immediately after, while our siblings and contemporaries are running around with BF's and GF's breaking up and going through the motions, we are forced to go through intense frustration and deprivation not knowing quite honestly what to do, just wondering where we fit into all this shit. No one encourages us to run around holding hands with the little boy next door, besides he is more than likely killing frogs and firing water pistols up our bum than whispering sweet nothings in our ears.
It might be brief it might be a life time, but this gap it could perhaps always be with us in some way or another.

[Aunty]

It seems "closure" is different things to different people, maybe Snowkat has a point. If "closure" is as you say Aunty, what right do we have to expect it at all. Isn't this a bit neurotic. Its not like you can go out and "get you some", assuming it is what you say it is, lack of it feeds the poet in all of us and starves the self gratification that its resolve would inevitably bring, if it were ever possible to reach such a point as "closure".

Emotional neutrality could be seen as a bit of a brain dead thing? I yearn for this closure that you talk about, but happily it is just never to be.

Lol. In time my young Padawan, you will see!

[Aunty]

the door bell rang and I flung the door open..a hideous fat old fag stood there..great belly hanging over his belt..gnarled up face..green rotting teeth..foul breath..big bunch of flowers..and on his bald head a few wisps of greasy hair sticking out.............
:pukeright:

For a moment there, Lunchtime, I thought you were describing yourself! :cheers:

In fact on second thoughts perhaps you could describe yourself upon opening the door to your former lover those many years later? What had the passage of time done to you?

Isn't Moo a ladyboy? There was a Moo that stayed in pattaya at the CockPit bar (94-96) and later moved to Bangkok as her bf Lert was abusive to her.

Yes, a new Thai boy is the best advise.
No, my old guy is not a ladyboy for sure. Moo is a common birth nickname.

One interesting thing about this thread is that if he is sophisticated and/or egotistical enough to google his name, he will find this thread along all the dirty dish! Its the one and only result for his name.

So, now, if he does:

Hello Aey. I miss you. I live in Jomtien Thailand now, not California. What is your life like now? I want to meet you again if you want to meet me.

Moo, the former lady boy from the Cockpit show in the 1990s, is now in Europe and has had a full sex change according to the most current information available. :flower:

Agree with other posters, its nearly always a mistake to try and retrace steps back to an old relationship. Remember, you have BOTH changed. :alien: