Our Story - the next installment

Hello All,

This story has been told in short bursts over the past couple of years now, and this is the latest episode. I am not really sure why I am inflicting this on you all, but perhaps it is to balance the (largely) healthy cynicism about relationships between Thai men and Farang. Some people I know have found it useful at points, and I have made a couple of new friends along the way.

Almost two years since I met the man of my dreams in a host bar in Pattaya. I had been in Thailand perhaps ten times before, over about six years, and I had developed many strategies to protect my tender heart and prevent myself falling in love. On this visit all my strategies failed. Over the next few months I struggled hard to free myself, being sure that I could never cope with a long distance relationship. Finally, in August 2005 I went out for a month, structured carefully to test things out, and realised it was hopeless, and I should just give in gracefully and give it my best shot.

A long saga ensued, getting a holiday visa first so he could spend the month of April in the UK with me. It was a cold month, and we toured around, driving through blizzards up to Scotland and back to London (he had never seen snow before!).

Then the application for a Settlement Visa so that he could come to the UK and we could use the new (the law came into effect in December 2005) Civil Partnership Law and he could live here with me. We got the visa in only three days!

Then I went out on 24th August and we traveled to Loei in North-east Thailand where I met his family and we had a blessing by the "village elder" (about ten minutes outside Loei) with over forty of his family present. A lengthy ceremony, with only the two of us paying much attention, circled closely by the grandmothers and other elders. The rest of the family and neighbours came and went, setting out food and drink, and as the ceremony ended (we were tied round with string, looped around a large floral setting) each person came up to tie a string around our wrists (all forty!!).

Really wonderful. One elderly woman apparently arrived and asked where the woman was he was to marry, so they pointed to me. She shrugged, nodded and smiled at me and that was that! Each of his grandmothers gave us a long lecture at the end of the ceremony about how we needed to stay faithful and take care of each other. So sweet!

Loei was great, but it was very strange being the only white face around most of the time (there was one other in the hotel). The children stared at me, and would call out to each other "Farang, Farang!"

I did throw a wobbly the night before the "wedding", and gave the poor man a real scare! The traditional pre-wedding nerves I think! It was hard at times, being surrounded by his family and friends, with almost no-one able to speak English. But we had a great week there, and he partied hard with all his friends from school days, and cousins etc. Great to be part of that.

Then four days "honeymoon" on Koh Chang, very quiet in the resort at this time of the year, so perfect for us. Just the two of us, rented a bike, and short hikes up to beautiful waterfalls, and walks along the beach in the moonlight! Hideously romantic!

Then four nights partying hard with his friends in Pattaya!

Finally flying back to London on 10th September.

My husband is now studying English (for free!) at an English School in central London every afternoon, while we plan our Civil Partnership for early December. He cannot work until after the ceremony, when we go back to immigration with the certificate, then he gets two years leave to stay and a work permit.

I am still struggling with issues around pre-nup agreements (should I or not??) and joint names on the bank account. Some say the pre-nup will not be worth the paper it is printed on, while others are really pushing me to go for it. I am 48, and still crippled with a large mortgage, but I could never start again at my age if he did leave and take half of everything. He says he will sign anything I want, because he doesn't want anything if we split up. Not an easy question.

So that is the latest chapter!

Cheers all!

faaaarrk

Prenup might be OK, but no matter how much you are in love there is no reason what so ever for a joint bank account unless you are opening one specially for living expenses. Give your relationship the two years until he goes for his second more permanent leave of stay, then you will both be more settled in your relationship.
Don't take this advice wrong as it is well intended, and I wish you well with your new found love.

[allieb]

Your relationship is young. Do a prenup.

Nothing if he leaves you. Something if you leave him. The lot if you die. That's what I would call fair. It can be amended along the way as things unwind.

Sign it. You could always do a seperate agreement giving him or leaving him a reasonable settlement if things went wrong.

I have already made a will, which leaves the lot to him if I drop dead!

(Isn't it irritating that we are worth so much more dead than alive!!)

Cheers!

[Jetsam]

I have already made a will, which leaves the lot to him if I drop dead!

(Isn't it irritating that we are worth so much more dead than alive!!)

Cheers!

Don't tell him :bounce:

[fedssocr]

you probably want to make sure he is finding some friends of his own, likely other Thais if he is still just learning English. How do you communicate now? I would imagine that some one in his position would eventually get extremely lonely and would be miserable without some other connection to the place than just you.

I wish you luck. I don't think it's the sort of thing I would ever do...

[Aunty]

I would make a prenup that makes it very clear that should you split up, all your assets, property etc., that you owned up to the time of your marriage will be excluded as relationship property for the purposes of any settlement. And I would make a very clear list that sets out everything you've got so you know what it is, including the current value of your house.

Once you do get married, it's my view that you have both a moral and legal obligation to share whatever property that comes into the relationship 50:50, should you split up. That would rightly be relationship property.

Some thoughts for you:

1. Many Thais feel that any signing of contracts with friends, family, and especially lovers is a loss of face, and they are hesitant to discuss such things. I agree you should do a prenup; however, keep in mind his very different cultural bias in regards to signing contracts of any kind with you. It may help you explain it better.

I'd also set up a bank account in his name that you put any discetionary funds into that he is able to spend.

2. Remember that he still has an obligation to take of his family, so you will have to have that disscussion at some point and set some ground rules about that.

3. Most Thais do not transplant well without a lot of Thai social contacts. Make sure he has those. Also understand that he will have to make trips back to LOS to see his family.

Are you the same couple who he demanded an expensive new cell phone a couple of years ago, and at one point he put you on the phone with another farang customer? If so, you have come a long way and persevered in spite of our advice to drop him months ago. Hopefully, the advice this time around is better.

Best wishes to you.

Pete

3. Most Thais do not transplant well without a lot of Thai social contacts.

Same thing could be said of Westerners, don't you think? Can you imagine uprooting yourself to an Isan village without any fellow countrymen to whinge about things with?

[Impulse]

A prenup is a must.If he doesnt like it,tough! I know its too late now but you should have told him that no matter who you wed they would have had to sign a prenup.or no deal.This might have made him feel better. i had my wife sign a prenup against her wishes,but she signed it.Her aunt told her not to sign it as it meant I didnt trust her.Who in their right mind who has assets and the party they are marrying penniless,would not sign one?I told her that Donald Trump reccomended that I have her sign a prenup. You can have a prenup say almost anything,but if you want it to hold up you need it to be reasonable.You will have to give him something,even if he decides to leave.Mine escalates after 5 years,and then after 10 years its almost half of my worth.Im glad I did it because we argue an awful lot now and once your married everything changes because of the laws.I just pushed my wife out of one fleeting moment of anger over something silly and she called 911.Well the police arrested me and now I have a restraining order set against me.Placing me in a vulnerable posistion.The only good thing about it was she was arrested also so she must behave too.Your husband must have his own attorny representing him or the prenup is invalid.Also,this is in America but it might be same in your country,whatever your real estate increases since the date your married,half is his.I dont like this as real estate sometimes drops in value,plus,we bought her family a house in her country yet since its not in her name she doesnt have to list it as her asset.If I had to do it again( i wouldnt get married! lol),I would not have listed all my assets as her attorny argued that since I had so much net worth,her settlement amounts would have to be raised.They try to even things out here but a prenup protects you to a great degree.Without one he might take you to the cleaners,and not just to wash your socks and undies. goodluck!

Dear Pete,

We are the very same couple! You are so right, we have come a long way since those dark days. The day of the big fight on the phone I thought my heart would break. Then I thought I was happy to be free again. Then all I could do was to think about him.

Now here we are in my flat in London, me typing on this computer and he is in the kitchen cooking, as he does every day. Then he will be off to English School and I shall go to work.

Domestic bliss so far!!

Thanks for the advice too. So far he has not met too many other Thai people here, but I hope that will change. The one or two he has met in the bar we use in town are not people I would choose as friends, but I say nothing and leave him to make his own choices.

Now we are busy planning the Civil Partnership celebration for December. And I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Cheers!