Best way to dump a Thai guy?

Lets hear the experts suggestions on how to shed a Thai guy whos not fitting the bill and allowing both parties to keep face.

Does cash make it easier or cause more problems.

[Smiles]

More information would help.
Is the Thai guy a new boyfriend or a guy you've been with for a long time?
Do you class him as a 'boyfriend' or an occasional off from a gogo bar?
What does he think he is to you, and how deeply does he believe the connection is?

Knowing more details of the situation would help folks answer your question.


" ... how to shed a Thai guy whos not fitting the bill and allowing both parties to keep face ... "
Bottom line for saving face is be sure the the Big Discussion is done completely in private, and never say a single word about any aspect of it to his friends (if you are acquainted with them).
If he wants to spread the word around later, fine ... just be sure you don't do it. If the relationship has been a long one then without question some 'face' will be lost, but you must try and do your part to limit the damage.

On the other hand, if the guy has been "in the business" for a reasonable length of time he'll more than likely shrug his shoulders an go blithely on to greener farangs. God knows the grass grows thick in Pattaya.

IMHO only ...

Cheers ...

Ok thanks smiles - heres some info.

hes not a bar guy - hes just graduated from university and works at a top Bkk hotel. He does like dancing a lot and going to regular gay scene.

Been seeing him for just over a year - he has become very intense and emails me daily - i had to order him to stop phoning , as he would call when i was at work and at 3am morning etc. I explained UK is not same same thailand , people go to bed around midnight and personal calls at work arent always appreciated.

hes cute enough and never ever asks for money but he snores like you wouldnt believe. he also doesnt understand why i dont like him bringing 3 friends when we go out. he will drink to try please me but fall over after 2 bacardi breezers. he will do anything i want sex wise - but hes obviously not too experienced. His english is a little below average i would say.

As a friend hes perfect - but i just dont have that "special" feeling for him.

I really dont want to hurt him - hes never done anything bad to me.

Do thais have a way to lose a BF but keep a friend?

[Jetsam]

Do thais have a way to lose a BF but keep a friend?

I think they do, but it will cost you some baht.

... you want to be a butterfly. They all know what that means

"Tell him... you want to be a butterfly. They all know what that means"

Agree. I usually make that the case up front. Some just don't believe you and will try all their charms but most will accept it and either accept the relationship as is or move on.

[Dodger]

Oogleman...

First and foremost, I'm in the middle separation phase of a relationship right now and haven't got the foggiest clue how to handle it. So any attempts on my part to offer you advise should be taken with a grain of salt.

I'm assuming that you don't reside in LOS and probably visit a few times each year. You stated that you've known him for a year now, so I guess you're saying that you met your friend during one of your last holidays, had a fling, and now this connection is made. If that's the case, why don't you just be open and honest with him about your feelings and part ways. Thai's have an uncanny ability to be able to accept the truth. We (farangs) commonly get in trouble when we forget that.

If he's a university graduate, and you're his senior by a few years (I'll be conservation there...LOL), you should be able to communicate honestly, even if the words are a bit painful. I think you're fortunate to have met a guy like this...it's a shame he doesn't light your fuse. A cute Thai guy who's good in the sack and never asks for money is a diamond in the rough, although, I think I understand where you're coming from.

I also embarked on a mini relationship with a university guy a year or so ago. He was (is) a real darling. He reads, writes and speaks fluent English, has a great sense of humor, can define the differences between Buddhism and Christianity like a scholar, never asked for money (directly anyway), and routinely reached a climax while in the bottom position. NOW THAT'S A RARE FIND. The only problem was, the chemistry simply wasn't there. After about 4-1/2 weeks of traveling around LOS together the mismatch in our chemistry as lovers became more apparent. I was so fortunate to have found a true friend, and someone I would always want to stay connected to, but that magic just wasn't going to happen. We talked very openly about our feelings and plans for the future, and by the time the discussion was over our feelings were understood. Sad, yes. But we allowed each other the privilege of remaining friends with no lose of face for either party. . BTW...Thais don't' lose face because of a breakup, regardless if they're gay or str8. They only lose face when they are lied to...and fall to that deceit.

If you communicate your feelings to him openly and sincerely, he'll respect you more than you could imagine...and nobody loses face.

Good Luck.

Dodger - you are almost spot on with all u said.

Its not wanting to be a butterfly............its wanting to feel something special.


the loss of face would come on his side - as he takes great delight in showing me off to all his friends and family as much as he can.

I hope he can accept the friendship part - i do enjoy dancing with him and his friends are a good crowd.

[bkkguy]

how to shed a Thai guy whos not fitting the bill

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
IтАЩd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/50w ... leave.html (http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/50ways_to_leave.html)

bkkguy

[Aunty]

Oogey, I might be wrong here but I have a sense from what you've written that this guy may actually be genuinely in love with you, and you may be very special to him. The constant phone calls and emails tells me that he may be feeling insecure about the permanence of your commitment to him - i.e., that on some level he already realises that you don't feel for him in quite the same way that he feels for you and the realisation of that leads to feelings of insecurity (does he get jealous when you're around other guys at all?). He needs you, perhaps you can't cope with that, or maybe you're just commitment shy? It's just a thought. And then maybe as you have said, the chemistry that renders a lingering need for him just sadly isn't there.

You know I think that there are quite a number of young Thai men who are genuinely looking for a long-term loving relationship with a farang. For some it's not all about screwing the farang out of as much cash as they can to put petrol in the tank of the families dead buffalo when Momma is sick and she can't pay for the loom that houses diabetic grandpa who needs an operation. Some I think actually do fall in love and really want to as well. Oogey, coo che coo che cooo, somebody loves you baby!

Look why do you want to break up right away? You're in the UK and he's in Thailand, right? So what's the big deal? He's not going to turn up on your doorstep is he? You can if you want to easily get away from him, right? So why rush and break a young man's heart?

My advice for what's it worth is twofold.

1. From now on don't do anything that encourages him to believe that he is in a long term relationship with you. Let it cool, slowly, but let it cool. Miss a phone call here, delay an email there. Don't talk about plans of bringing him to the UK, don't send money to pay for the sick motorcycle. Just let him go quietly, but do it, and gently.

2. Encourage him to go out and meet other boys around his own age. Tell him you think he should have a Thai boyfriend. Tell him you think this would be more appropriate than to have a relationship with you who lives so far away and who is so desperately horribly old. When will you next get back to Thailand? Maybe never? Who knows? You get my drift. There is no future in a relationship with you. Encourage him to find happiness elsewhere. Don't discuss with him about going back to Thailand, even for a holiday. If he says he feels that you are drifting away from him, just say yes you feel it too. Tell him you don't think a long distance relationship is going to work for you, it's not what you want.

Don't just be another stinky cheap white-trash talking gay farang of little to no class who just crushes these young men's feelings through boorish and self-centered bahaviour. Finish your relationship with him with a bit of dignity, for both you and him. I know you've got it in you to do that, that's why you were thoughtful enough to post this thread in the first place. Good luck.

[UncleSam]

is to hire an Issarn hit man for 5000 Baht cash and tell him to dump the body in a chicken flu culling pit.

Thank you Aunty......... i will go this route.

Look why do you want to break up right away? You're in the UK and he's in Thailand, right? So what's the big deal? He's not going to turn up on your doorstep is he? You can if you want to easily get away from him, right? So why rush and break a young man's heart?........

Don't just be another stinky cheap white-trash talking gay farang of little to no class who just crushes these young men's feelings through boorish and self-centered bahaviour.

What a crock of bull. Oogleman, every minute of time that passes from the time that you know you want to end the relationship, until your wanna-be Thai boyfriend realizes it, is a waste of his time, his loss of opportunity to go find what he is looking for. If you want to exhibit boorish and self-centered behaviour [Aunty, please note the proper spelling], then follow Aunty's advice and draw this out for months because it will be easier and less confrontational for you. Otherwise, like Dodger suggests, be honest and direct, like a true friend should be. Broken hearts can mend, but Time, once lost, is lost forever. Or something like that.

Do you think that in the breakup of a Thai-Thai relationship there's wringing of hands and hesitancy? No, I don't think so - not from the breakups I know of. Aunty's approach seems to be based less on good reason than a healthy dose of farang self-loathing. "Stinky cheap white-trash gay farang..."? Make that racist homophobic self-loathing.

And one last thing, Ooglemen, about your post above that is just a little curious: You've been seeing this guy for a year, but you say "he's obviously not too [sexually] experienced." Well, who's fault is that? Seems like a year is long enough to teach him a thing or two!

experienced." Well, who's fault is that? Seems like a year is long enough to teach him a thing or two!

read that as wasn`t when i met him.

[Aunty]

Well IтАЩm mindful of your comments in another thread so I wonтАЩt turn the entire Missouri around and fire her guns.

If you read carefully what I wrote rather than reacting to it youтАЩll see that IтАЩm not suggesting that Oogleman takes months to end this relationship. ItтАЩs probably already over. If he actually does what IтАЩm suggesting (and by the way thatтАЩs entirely up to him IтАЩm just offering an opinion to his question) then the guy will realise that within a month or two. HeтАЩs not stupid. ThatтАЩs hardly a long time in the context of an entire life, and certainly falls far short of being a waste of time and lost opportunity. And IтАЩm sure he will be grateful for OoglemanтАЩs sensitivity and respect, after all they have been together for a year, and the Thai guy has shared his life with him. I think that entitles him to be treated with a degree of consideration, sensitivity and respect, qualities that all too sadly now seem missing from the American way of life. (IтАЩm assuming youтАЩre an American from San Fran?)

When you read OoglemanтАЩs post itтАЩs quite obvious he doesnтАЩt want to ring this guy up and just shout it out, itтАЩs over. If that was the case he would have no need to post this thread right? You approach is after all a no-brainer! Oogleman however has made it quite clear that he has a number of objectives he wishes to achieve in this ending. He would like to maintain a friendship with the guy, to not hurt him and to maintain face for both of them. I put it to you that your insensitive approach would achieve none of these objectives.

тАЬIтАЩm just being honest with you pal, and telling you how I feel and how it is. Thanks for the fucks, but I donтАЩt love you and IтАЩm off to seek the happiness I deserve, and you should too. DonтАЩt ring me, donтАЩt email me and donтАЩt ask for money. But letтАЩs stay friends.тАЭ Yuk! It sounds awfully selfish to me and not very Asian.

And by the way why are you Americans always in such a hurry, always wanting the instant everything? The instant friendship, the instant marriage, the instant pudding, the instant breakup, the instant divorce, the instant Iraqi democracy, instant happiness? The worldтАЩs not like that dear, good things take time, and guess what Oogleman is not an American and neither is the guy from Thailand! The attention to тАШfaceтАЩ tips you off.

тАЬAunty's approach seems to be based less on good reason than a healthy dose of farang self-loathing.тАЭ No thereтАЩs no self-loathing there. Just a healthy dose of consideration for another personтАЩs feelings. ItтАЩs not always about us you know.

Of course what really interests me though is your reaction to my postтАжтАжтАжтАжтАж.

[Smiles]

" ...
experienced." Well, who's fault is that? Seems like a year is long enough to teach him a thing or two! read that as wasn`t when i met him. ... "


__________________________________________________ ___________________________________


There seems to be a lot of folks on the Board having trouble with the quote function. Oogleman never gets it correctly (to name one) and I'm wondering what the problem is. SEE above example.

Quoting is simple:

1. just go to the persons post you wish to quote and hit the little "QUOTE" button at the top right of the message.

2. This will automatically open up a "Compose Message" window for you and will also automatically add the quote into the window with the proper coding already installed.

3. All you have to do then is simply edit the quoted text to reflect just that portion you wish to quote.

There's also a possibility that Oogleman has got his BBCode button in the "OFF" position. This will disable all ability to use any of the auto-formatting buttons. Here's an image which might help:


http://www.photodump.com/direct/sawatdee/bbcodeagain.jpg


I know this is unsolicited advice, but no criticism meant. There just seems to be a lot of mis-coding going on lately, and it really is very easy to get right .... mainly to folks know what the hell you are referring to.

Cheers ...

[Smiles]

" ... ThatтАЩs hardly a long time in the context of an entire life, and certainly falls far short of being a waste of time and lost opportunity. And IтАЩm sure he will be grateful for OoglemanтАЩs sensitivity and respect, after all they have been together for a year, and the Thai guy has shared his life with him. I think that entitles him to be treated with a degree of consideration, sensitivity and respect ... "
Well put Aunty.
Although Thai men have vastly different cultural baggage (as westerners do) which needs to be taken into consideration, they are not from Mars and ~ amongst other things ~ feel hurt very much the way any human being losing something important would ( except bloody cell phones :blackeye: ... another recent story ).

Thais are also exquisitively resilient and if the guy is mature in most ways will probably get over this breakup more quickly than you might think. Certainly more quickly than the Drama Queens of the West: "... mai pen rai ..." is NOT just a cliche.

Cheers ...

Arrive unexpectedly and catch him with his other farang.

Ok I'm gonna bite.
What does "mai pen rai" mean?

Well I guess if you canтАЩt offer substance in your argument, go for the applause by injecting irrelevant but popular put-downs of Americans. Most of AuntyтАЩs latest post deserves to rot inтАжthe Global ForumтАж because the war in Iraq and AmericanтАЩs purported obsession with тАЬinstant gratificationтАЭ are irrelevant to this discussion.

Aunty paints a very rosy picture of how this will work out, so wonderful and painless for everyone! Let me give you the flip side. A few years ago I was in a situation similar to that which Oogleman describes тАУ one party wanted out of the long-distance relationship тАУ except that I was on the тАЬreceiving end.тАЭ I was in love and wanted the relationship to continue. My friend basically took the approach that Aunty is suggesting тАУ a long, drawn-out period of тАЬhints,тАЭ obfuscation, and what may be perversely considered as тАШface-savingтАЩ gestures. That period was one of the most painful emotional periods of my life. To love someone but to perceive polite ambivalence from the other party can be very painful, IтАЩm sure you know. It was a relief, and freedom, to finally have my friend come clean and be honest with me. ThatтАЩs all IтАЩm recommending that Oogleman do.

So I find AuntyтАЩs various justifications for putting this Thai guy through such a potentially agonizing experience to be rather heartless and not quite as kind as she pretends to be. But thatтАЩs not entirely surprising, as the true motivation in her postings here seems to be self-aggrandizement through witty swipes at other posters and deft turns of phrase. Aunty, do you by any chance have a friend named Hedda?

[Surfcrest]

[quote="SF farang You've been seeing this guy for a year, but you say "he's obviously not too [sexually] experienced." Well, who's fault is that? Seems like a year is long enough to teach him a thing or two!

Oogleman's quote function did not work for the following reason:

When you quote someone and then edit the text of the quote, you must ensure that the Quote prompts
in the Message Bodywhile you are composing your message are fully intact.

You will see in Oogleman's post:


[quote="SF farang You've... two!

As it should appear in the Message Body [quote="SF farang You've"]

The "] were lost in an edit of the text.
All of these commands are required when using the Quote function.

Surfcrest

[Smiles]

" ... Oogleman's quote function did not work for the following reason: When you quote someone and then edit the text of the quote, you must ensure that the Quote prompts in the Message Bodywhile you are composing your message are fully intact ... "
Right. I am fully aware that his coding is incorrect.
The point I guess I was trying to make is that the quote feature automatically provides the quote and the opening of the compose message window.

It appears that Oogleman is either, (1) changing the BB coding after using the auto feature (why I don't know), or (2) attempting to use quoting "by hand", but not getting it right.
There is no other explanation for the code to be broken (especially if he is using the auto feature). I was just trying to underline the ease of using the auto-quote feature as opposed to doing quotations "by hand".

Cheers ...

[Aunty]

Well I guess if you canтАЩt offer substance in your argument, go for the applause by injecting irrelevant but popular put-downs of Americans. Most of AuntyтАЩs latest post deserves to rot inтАжthe Global ForumтАж because the war in Iraq and AmericanтАЩs purported obsession with тАЬinstant gratificationтАЭ are irrelevant to this discussion.

Aunty paints a very rosy picture of how this will work out, so wonderful and painless for everyone! Let me give you the flip side. A few years ago I was in a situation similar to that which Oogleman describes тАУ one party wanted out of the long-distance relationship тАУ except that I was on the тАЬreceiving end.тАЭ I was in love and wanted the relationship to continue. My friend basically took the approach that Aunty is suggesting тАУ a long, drawn-out period of тАЬhints,тАЭ obfuscation, and what may be perversely considered as тАШface-savingтАЩ gestures. That period was one of the most painful emotional periods of my life. To love someone but to perceive polite ambivalence from the other party can be very painful, IтАЩm sure you know. It was a relief, and freedom, to finally have my friend come clean and be honest with me. ThatтАЩs all IтАЩm recommending that Oogleman do.

So I find AuntyтАЩs various justifications for putting this Thai guy through such a potentially agonizing experience to be rather heartless and not quite as kind as she pretends to be. But thatтАЩs not entirely surprising, as the true motivation in her postings here seems to be self-aggrandizement through witty swipes at other posters and deft turns of phrase. Aunty, do you by any chance have a friend named Hedda?

Have you actually read my posts, because it doesn't look much like it to me. It appears you've become so wrapped up in your own internal world that it's actually preventing you from seeing external/objective reality (Looks like you did that with your ex boyfriend too). I'm not meaning to take a swipe at you dude, but clearly you're projecting stuff that's about you and that has nothing to do with my post or Oogleman's post. You've got issues dude, and I'm not going to be your whipping boy. You're in San Francisco, go see a shrink.

You've got issues dude

Is that something like "You've got mail?" :dontknow:

Whatever, dude. :8(

Oogleman, good luck with the difficult task you face. I advocated one particular approach, but I'm sure that no matter which course you take, everything will work out in the end.

Can I suggest counselling before you do anything stupid. It may be, you don't know what you want any-more, that "extra something" might just be an "empty nothing", and you will have lost out on the best relationship you will ever have.
Even if you think your relationship is going nowhere now. Pretend just for a moment that it's all about him. Suddenly you may find you are in love again.

You are obviously not in full control of the situation and that can lead to all sorts of disastrous consequences for everyone concerned.