July 30th, 2006, 20:55
Sundown in Sunee - Part 5
Georgy poured himself through the door in a cloud of stale Bundaberg and soured Old Spice.
Emblazoned on his well-worn T-shirt were the words: "Bend Over, I'll Drive" with a picture of George Dubbya in a somewhat indelicate position.
"Swuddycrap, airgun you bunch of sheilas"
Christ, the bogan is more feral than ever, and stonkered to boot, I said to myself..
"What a fucking day, what with those poofy queens on the aircraft, the flight taking two hours longer than the cunts said it would, and a shit of a ride from the airport with a sleepwalking driver, I'm stonkered," spluttered Georgy, spittle landing randomly on the table.
Jesus, now we're in for it, I thought.
"There's a bit of a shemozzle going on down the street" said Georgy. "They "just pulled Jolly Jack out of a drain in Day and Night. Apparently he got washed down there during the last wet season and been there ever since. His last memory is being on the beach at Phuket
I tell ya, mate, he dont smell too crisp. And to top it all off I called into Giddy's for a fried ice cream and it was off the menu. They reckon it had melted on the way from the supermarket - jeez!"
"Say hello to Heddley," I said, trying to change the topic.
"Christ, is the old bitch still alive?" said Georgy, knocking over the aspidistra.
"Barely", said Ty, looking up from the Wonderwoman comic he had been reading "She hasn't been the same since that shithead microwaved her budgie. Getting thrown off the Larry King Show for telling him he had the smallest dick she'd ever seen wasn't helpful either."
"Arrrrrnteeee," screamed Heddley, her face puce with effort.
"Strewth, what the fuck's got into her "said Georgy, leaping backwards.
"Taking your foot off her oxygen tube might be helpful," observed Ty.
"Who pushed your button," snapped Georgy, turning nasty. "Why don't you just pack up your comics and those poncey white shoes of yours and find yourself a bald boyfriend. Better still, migrate back to wherever it is you came from and improve the intellect of both countries".There was a cry from the toilet: "There's no paper, only this hose thingy" cried Joy. "What am I supposed to do?" "Shove it up your arse, you nitwit!" "Anyone wanna hear a good yarn?"
I sighed inwardly; it was going to be one of those nights..
to be continued....
Glossary:
Swuddycrap: Thaistralian for hullo, good day
airgun: how are you going, as in 'airgun mate, orright?'
sheilas: girls
bogan: Person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days
slacking and drinking beer.
stonkered: pissed and buggered
buggered: fucked, as in very tired
pissed: drunk
poofy queens: (on an aircraft) Qantas cabin crew
Bundaberg: Lethal dark rum from Queensland
http://upload4.postimage.org/728127/humour_budgiedead.jpg (http://upload4.postimage.org/728127/photo_hosting.html)RIP Monica
Georgy poured himself through the door in a cloud of stale Bundaberg and soured Old Spice.
Emblazoned on his well-worn T-shirt were the words: "Bend Over, I'll Drive" with a picture of George Dubbya in a somewhat indelicate position.
"Swuddycrap, airgun you bunch of sheilas"
Christ, the bogan is more feral than ever, and stonkered to boot, I said to myself..
"What a fucking day, what with those poofy queens on the aircraft, the flight taking two hours longer than the cunts said it would, and a shit of a ride from the airport with a sleepwalking driver, I'm stonkered," spluttered Georgy, spittle landing randomly on the table.
Jesus, now we're in for it, I thought.
"There's a bit of a shemozzle going on down the street" said Georgy. "They "just pulled Jolly Jack out of a drain in Day and Night. Apparently he got washed down there during the last wet season and been there ever since. His last memory is being on the beach at Phuket
I tell ya, mate, he dont smell too crisp. And to top it all off I called into Giddy's for a fried ice cream and it was off the menu. They reckon it had melted on the way from the supermarket - jeez!"
"Say hello to Heddley," I said, trying to change the topic.
"Christ, is the old bitch still alive?" said Georgy, knocking over the aspidistra.
"Barely", said Ty, looking up from the Wonderwoman comic he had been reading "She hasn't been the same since that shithead microwaved her budgie. Getting thrown off the Larry King Show for telling him he had the smallest dick she'd ever seen wasn't helpful either."
"Arrrrrnteeee," screamed Heddley, her face puce with effort.
"Strewth, what the fuck's got into her "said Georgy, leaping backwards.
"Taking your foot off her oxygen tube might be helpful," observed Ty.
"Who pushed your button," snapped Georgy, turning nasty. "Why don't you just pack up your comics and those poncey white shoes of yours and find yourself a bald boyfriend. Better still, migrate back to wherever it is you came from and improve the intellect of both countries".There was a cry from the toilet: "There's no paper, only this hose thingy" cried Joy. "What am I supposed to do?" "Shove it up your arse, you nitwit!" "Anyone wanna hear a good yarn?"
I sighed inwardly; it was going to be one of those nights..
to be continued....
Glossary:
Swuddycrap: Thaistralian for hullo, good day
airgun: how are you going, as in 'airgun mate, orright?'
sheilas: girls
bogan: Person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days
slacking and drinking beer.
stonkered: pissed and buggered
buggered: fucked, as in very tired
pissed: drunk
poofy queens: (on an aircraft) Qantas cabin crew
Bundaberg: Lethal dark rum from Queensland
http://upload4.postimage.org/728127/humour_budgiedead.jpg (http://upload4.postimage.org/728127/photo_hosting.html)RIP Monica