Preferring to die in my own home than retirement or nursing homes

[lonelywombat]

I have watched the threads and thought of adding to them ,then they went off topic. In the last 6 months I have decided I do not want to go to a retirement village or nursing home. I prefer to die at home in my own condo.
I discussed this today with my GP when asking about the flu vaccine. He gave me 3 vouchers to consider.
We have a choice of 3 groups that give voluntary support to gay men. Perhaps we are more lucky than others in smaller towns
Highly recommended was Rainbow Home Support, in addition to Home at Last sponsored by Consumers Affairs and Villa Maria Catholic Homes or Home Support.
The thing that interested me was my friends are now getting meals from restaurants delivered to their homes.
I have no experience with the rent a boy phone services but I am told they give excellent service with a few recommendations.
The comments here about retiring to Pattaya and moving into a retirement or nursing home have always been of interest. But I enjoy home life and want to stay involved.
So while I can I will still venture to Pattaya when I can still handle the trip, and return home to the other things in life that I enjoy.

[scottish-guy]

I'm sure that's they way we would all like to go LW, but unfortunately the reality is that we often don't get the choice.

My father died just over a year ago and the final stages of his (undiagnosed) illness lasted just 6 weeks or so.

During that time he was both in hospital and (for what turned out to be his final days) in a Nursing Home where there was no dignity whatsoever and precious little care and attention, but all along I was assured that although it was palliative care he would be able to return to my home where I had taken care of him for almost 20 years after my mother died.

Had I known that he would never leave the Nursing Home except in the back of a van, I would never have let him go there - I would have insisted he be brought home to pass his final days. I feel guilty about that but I (foolishly?) took the advice of the medical staff as being accurate.

So my point is that we all have preferences as to how we'd like to shuffle off the mortal coil but you have to be quite fortunate to be able to exercise that choice and in the case of someone wanting to jump over the balcony if they become a 'drooling vegetable', it's highly unlikely that one would recognise the point at which that occurs.

Unfortunately that's our lot in life - we come into it with no control or dignity whatsoever and sadly we often leave the same way.

[dinagam]

Gracias, Dios mio. SG is back!

[a447]

I was actually joking when I said I'd like to be thrown out the window. I mean, it would be just my luck to be on the ground floor!

But access to a euthanasia drug would be welcome. We should have the choice on how we want to leave this world.

A nursing home would be the last place I'd like to spend my final days.

SG, no doubt your dad would have been very appreciative of the dedication you showed him all those years.

[latintopxxx]

U don't know what its like until u r there, its fine to theorise but in reality we are all different. My mum passed away recently in a hospice, best experience ever, loving caring respectful people.
Her last 2 hours were very gay...she loved abba, queen and julio iglesias and thats what we sang and streamed for her...

[a447]

I visited the father of a friend in a nursing home a couple of years ago and it was absolutely horrific. It was staffed by immigrants who couldn't speak English and were obviously untrained for the job. Apparently, the wages are so low that Australians will not work there. It was so sad and made me determined to do whatever I can to stay out of one.

I've also visited a friend in a hospice and that was an entirely different experience. Not only were the staff well-known trained nurses, but they were very caring. They would sit with the patients and chat with them, give them massages and were forever bringing them cups of tea, icecream, cakes and other treats. Once a week they would have a party and a sing-along around the piano.

What struck me most was the number of volunteers who would come in to help. It's what led me down the path to do volunteer work.

[lonelywombat]

6 years ago when I updated my will I asked about my legal advisers about rejecting drugs to keep me alive if I was in pain.Euthanasia was not permitted then but is now.
I was asked to indicate exactly what I wanted to do and explain my reasons. I was then asked to sit with another independent solicitor to ascertain that I knew what I was doing .
What I wanted was I did not want my life to be prolonged by drugs, if they were not effectively assisting me.We discussed my reasons and he was satisfied that I knew what I wanted, that I was in full control of my faculties and was not being pushed by relatives. We dictated my resuscitation plan, in my words, exactly the way I wanted.
I see no need to change my mind and if I am in pain and at home my resuscitation stands.

[Brad the Impala]

Making advanced decisions about treatment at a time when you are unable to communicate, and the circumstances in which you don't want to be resuscitated, is often known as a Living Will.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/advance-decisions/

[scottish-guy]

This just in: most people who die haven't been resuscitated.

Again, going back to my father's case he had previously agreed to a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) note on his medical records but as no resuscitation was ever necessary his expressed preference had no effect and his suffering was not alleviated by the stipulation being in place.

More recently a friend of 30yrs died in hospital from Cancer (yeah I know - I'm a bit of a jinx :D) There was no hope of recovery (and he knew that), so the hospital starved him to death by withdrawing food and water. He was in agony despite the morphine, fully lucid and in his last hours he knew he was approaching death. He was completely terrified. I was there when he drew his last breath and it was utterly horrific. This was the hospital's idea of "making him comfortable"

Now I have no idea whether he had agreed to DNR or not but the point is - resuscitation was never necessary, so "opting out" of it would have/did not save him from weeks of agony nor did it give him any control whatsoever over the manner of his death.

As far as I know I'm currently in good health and whilst everybody around me was dropping like flies last year, I seem to be going from strength to strength. The way things are right now I would want resuscitated till the cows come home - but I'm also aware that:

1. I am far more likely to peg out in a manner in which resuscitation will not come into it.
2. Even if circumstances dictated that I actually did need to be resuscitated then the chances of actually getting it aren't that high - you have to be in the right place at the right time with the right medical care
3. Expressing a DNR wish will not save me from an agonising and drawn out death if that's what's in store for me

As I get older and lots of my friends and relatives have already popped their clogs, I do find myself increasingly aware of my own mortality - it's now a daily thought rather than something which never entered my head.

However, at the moment I'm "making hay while the sun shines" as the saying goes and long may that continue

6769

[Brad the Impala]

SG, if you bothered to read the link you would find that DNR is only a small part of the Living Will, it is quite a thorough document that covers a lot of the aspects of terminal conditions. You can also look at a Lasting Power of Attorney for health to cover your treatment when you are terminally ill.

While not particularly advocating either of these options (I'm just providing further information following LW's post), I would think that both options are worth exploring, and can be of benefit in some circumstances, and therefore shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

[scottish-guy]

I’m not dismissing anything, and i was actually replying to LW - don’t take things so personally dear

[Marsilius]

My father-in-law is suffering from inoperable and terminal cancer so we are currently facing up to this issue.

His original intention was to die at home. However, the woman who visited from the local hospice made what seems a very good point: in his final few weeks the necessary physical changes to his living arrangements (restricted area in which he can move around, plus the need to install either a stairlift or temporary lavatory facilities, as well as the arrival of various bulky bits of medical equipment) will mean that his home of many decades will no longer seem like his home.

In her experience, she said, it was better for someone in that situation to go to a well-run specialist hospice (which, as others here have already said, can be the most positive experience in the circumstances) with fond memories of their home as it was lived in - rather than seeing it transformed out of all recognition into a mini hospital ward.

[scottish-guy]

I sympathise with your situation, and of course there would be difficulties but "temporary lavatory facilities" can be as simple as a commode.

As for a hospice worker recommending a hospice - to paraphrase Mandy Rice Davies - 'Well, she would say that, wouldn't she'

However I'm sure you'll weigh everything up and I'm sure whatever decisions you make (or contribute to) will be the right ones for your father-in-law's particular situation.

Wishing you the best.

[topjohn5]

Hi Wombat,
I understand completely your desire to be at home. I have recently returned to the USA from 8 years in Thailand and then Cambodia to live with my 99 year old father. He had caregivers during the day but needed someone there in the evening as his short term memory is very lacking at this point.
My sister was at wits-end after several wild events he had and his desire to still "control" all situations. So, I returned to stop her from starting the legal process to commit him and then put him forcibly in a facility. I don't blame her at all as our father is a narcissist on the level of Trump and a true pain-in-the-ass, lol.
The funny thing was, for the first time in my life, he was thankful......he has NEVER thanked me for anything before, lol.
Anyway, I hope you can accomplish your goal of staying in your home.

[lonelywombat]

I had email from a member who likes to discuss other things than sex in Thailand.
We had discussed this ,and he in a meeting with friends raised what I had said and other contributions.
One of those attending was upset and left quickly without contributing to the conversation.
Scottish has mentioned above,commodes, and her mother went past using bed pans to losing all control of how to remove waste.
Although not heavy they had to lift here body in and out of bed, to change bed and to clean, it was becoming a nightmare.
They could no longer cope and had to move her out.
It is only a few weeks since it occurred. The huge criticism came from family and friends not living at home, with no responsibility for care.
There are two sides for everything. Who knows it could happen to me.

[Jellybean]

Part of this topic has been split and moved to the Holding Room
under the title, Dignitas.

Jellybean
Moderator