Oh what a fool am I

I know some members of this board will take the piss, (consider that I will ignore anything those guys inparticular have to say) but I would like some advice re: my num friend.

I met a guy here in Thailand about four months ago, we started seeing each other on a regular basis and then we agreed a set amount that I could pay him to see him everyday. He was a gogo bar boy for three months and he left the bar in which he had worked to stay with me. It has now been three months since we went 'full time'. He is a farm boy, he never asks for anything (no gold, no mobile - he bought his own) and he is full of energy and life. He has loved learning English and has developed good language skills, far more than the 'what your name' bar talk.

I am no angel and I like places such as Krazy Dragon and flirting with other guys but apart from one misdemeanour, I have not slept with another guy in the last three months.

A few days ago I panicked, a combination of dwindling funds, the fact that I was growing ever more attached and also that I was going to meet his family resulted in me calling the thing off. The reason I gave to him was purely my dwindling funds (but my feelings and the growing prospect of meeting his folks really began to scare me). I have said previously that we both knew the situation, he is a money boy and I am the client but the attachment over three months has grown and I have now thrown it away. Added to that I know I have embarrassed him. I was going to see his family and now I have not gone with him, he has returned home, minus Farang friend. Further, I previously thought that the money I had given him was being banked, with half being sent home to his parents and the rest kept by him for the future. I now know that apart from what he spent on his phone, some new cheap market clothes, rent and food, he has sent all the money I have given him home to his parents, who coming from Isan and being small hold farmers are not what you would call well off. We had planned on buying a few gifts for his family (dress for his mum, some pants and shirts for his brothers and father and a toy for his youngest brother), he would not acccept any money from me and I know he went out and purchased these gifts himself as he had promised his family.

He was confused when we broke up and wasn't sure what he would do. He hates working in the gogo bar, as I said he had just been there three months and was doing it because he wanted to send money home and could not find another job in Pattaya. Further, I know he was heartbroken (and not just for the money) and he even consoled me that everything was ok despite him being shell shocked.

For four nights I have not spoken with him and I miss him, I feel incredibly low. I want him back, I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I know trust will be an issue and possibly he will resent me.

Take it as read that anyone who posts, you are a bastard, you are an idiot, stop being so self indulgent, for chrisakes he's a money boy, get a life etc will all have been considered by me. If anyone has any constructive advice I would be grateful. Is it best to leave things as they are now that the break is made or do you think there is a chance of recovering the situation. I have one more month in Thailand, but as posted in other topics, I will go for another tourist visa and return to Pattaya if we get back together, if not I will probably move elsewhere or go visit other countries until the funds dry up.

Having just read all this back, I realise it is self indulgent and so pathetic, but hey i'll just press the submit button and await the flack.

Welcome to the club !! :cheers: :cheers:

After you rude comments about boygeenyus, maybe you should take his advice on this one.

[Aunty]

Putting aside for a minute your truly appalling just joking! Oh come on dude, as Pearl said, welcome to life! We all make mistakes, we all screw up, we've all had tears on our party dress (although in Edith's case it's usually booze)

My advice to you is very simple. Ring him up and tell him the truth. Read out what you wrote above. Tell him you panicked, that you got spooked by your own feelings, that you didn't want to hurt him etc., etc., etc. Tell him that you're sorry, and ask if he'll take you back, if that is what you want. If money is an issue, explain that to him that you'll continue to support him as much as you can, but there just has to be a limit. Fattie don't deprived yourself of this one chance to have a little happiness. Pretend he's an Islamist. Life is too short.

I can relate to your anguish. I would say forget it. You are going back to Farangland anway. My experience tells me it is usually silly to get too deep in a long term money wire kind of "relationship."

Thanks for sharing F/41. Wiser ones here may have better advice, particularly those who have a BF and may have been through something like this before.

If you can't get him out of your mind (which appears the case, as you're posting about him) then I think you have to make contact with him and see what, if anything, works out: phone him or just go to his village now, and act as if nothing has happened.

The guys we meet here are well able to handle the curious behaviour we love-sick and/or up-themselves farangs carry on with - there's no need to go through an exhaustive analysis with him of how and why this all came about.

And while you are at it, have a dance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVsD3p5cxAU&eurl=

[Aunty]

By the way, your feelings do tell you things, they bring into consciousness that which is unconscious.

If you don't know that you truly love this boy, or if you don't know you want to love this boy, or you don't want the responsibility of looking after this boy and his family, or if you are frightened of being hurt, maybe you are frightened to love because what if he breaks up with you - whatever your feelings are telling you, do take a moment or two to think about them and, what you really want to do. Have that clear in your heart and mind first, as you don't want to be screwing this young man around.

If it's fear that is holding you back, fear of your own feelings well as the book says, feel the fear and do it anyway. Nothing ventured nothing gained. The worst thing that happens to you when you cry is your eyes go red.

[dave_tf-old]

All farang are alike...it's a shame we don't have buffalo to blame.

Actually, it sounds like you have been shacking up with my ex.

I'd follow Aunty's advice...but all of it. Of course, only you know your financial situation, and understandably everything hinges on that. But I wager that some honesty from you to him might reconcile things.

[UncleSam]

and want him back, but that you can only afford to pay him 50% of what you were paying before.

My guess is that he will solve your problem by himself.

Thank you all for your advice. I know he is returning to Pattaya tomorrow (no chance for me to go off to his village then) and so that gives me a day to think over all your comments, especially your comments Aunty about what I feel for him and what both of us may want. Finances are/will be an issue as when I do eventually go home I will be looking for work and may not be able to continue the relationship - unless he is willing to go unsupported. Whatever happens I would still like at least to keep him in my life as a friend (without hurting him) and when there are so many guys who seem jaded (talking of Farang and Thai's) it has been such a wonderful experience to find someone with so little that has such a joy for life, learning and isn't on the take. Honesty, as you say dave is the way forward.

I talk too much but finally, thank you Thaiquila for giving me a glimpse of what I look like from behind when dancing at Champ Isan - a truly horryfying experience but funny to watch all the same.

[quote="Fatman41"] Finances are/will be an issue as when I do eventually go home I will be looking for work and may not be able to continue the relationship - unless he is willing to go unsupported. Whatever happens I would still like at least to keep him in my life as a friend (without hurting him) and when there are so many guys who seem jaded (talking of Farang and Thai's) it has been such a wonderful experience to find someone with so little that has such a joy for life, learning and isn't on the take. quote]

Sit down with him and tell him exactly what you have written above.

Apolgise for upsetting him and ask him if he understands that even a Farang can sometimes be short of ready cash. From what you say you have a gem of a boy there, OK it was a realtionship based on a financial arrangment but without the frequent hits for mobile phones, gold, motorbikes or sick buffalos.

Tell him that if in the future you finances improve you would like to resume the original arrangment ( as long as you are sincere in wishing to do so).

Good luck

[PeterUK]

Going by what you say about this young man in your post, there seem to be character traits about which you can be hopeful. You say he hated working in a gogo bar. That's good, it means he has an interest in prolonging a one-to-one relationship. You say he has not been pushy about money. That's good, and suggests that he might appreciate other things about you than just your wallet. You say he has loved learning English. That's good, it means he feels himself developing in your company. You say he took it gracefully when you told him you were splitting up with him. That's good, it suggests that he might be trying to ease the hurt for you and not just thinking about his own sudden loss of support. Only you know to what degree the two of you have been happy together over the past few months. You are clearly very fond of him; if you can look back and honestly say that he has seemed genuinely content to be with you, then I would say that you have a pretty good thing going for you.

Most farang-Thai 'long-term' (ie a few months or more!) relationships that I see in Pattaya are quite obviously mere business propositions in which the farang deludes himself to one degree or another while the boredom and resentment on the face of the young man tell another story. A smaller, but still quite significant number of relationships work well because the young man seems genuinely fond of his farang; there will still be inevitable sadness and compromise for the farang in such a relationship but much to value too. The smallest category of relationships of all, I should think, is where the farang and young man are actually in love with each other. In my own experience I know of one such relationship, possibly two, but my general advice would be: don't bank on that happening!

It sounds to me as if you might well have a relationship in the second category. If so, congratulations, you are well ahead of the field. I don't know your circumstances. You might feel that the financial strain is too great - you mention dwindling funds. Or you might feel that you don't want a close relationship when you are not in a position to live here full-time. You must weigh up such matters for yourself. If it is fear of being hurt more in the future than you are at present, that is completely understandable in view of the artificial circumstances in which we form these relationships. I can only repeat: examine the relationship as honestly as you can, and your own circumstances, and take things from there. I offer you my heartfelt good wishes.

[allieb]

To get int a relationship with a money boy is rather like getting into gambling. Only bet what you can afford to loose. I f you have been enjoining your relationship and its not going to break the bank to continue, then continue.

I do really believe that even a money boy develops deep feelings for a special customer and can in fact think he has fallen in love. If here is a big age difference then its the father son thing that kicks in. Remember these boys have never had what we have had, a father to spoil us and buy us things and give us pocket money. The reality is that you have been his Savior. The question we ask now is is he in love with you as a partner or is he in love with you for what you have done for him. A very fine line here. but at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

A good looking boy can be offed frequently and make a quick buck. and from what I have learned even the ones that say they have fallen in love with you will go back to the go go bar when the farang has left because its too tempting. The more money we have the more we want its human nature.

You have not been a fool you are just like the rest of us. The disappointment usually come at some point but meanwhile keep a good thing going as long as you are able. We are all looking for a little happiness in this cruel world.

[catawampuscat]

Most of us living in Thailand have fallen for one or more young men and the circumstances of him working in a go go and
visiting the family in the village are all too familiar..

There is no right answer and what you do will be the right thing and the wrong thing to do..
I was wild about my first bf here and after visiting the family village several times and having them live with us in Pattaya
on several visits, and his not wanting to work anymore in a gogo , etc. etc..
You are fortunate it is only a few months long relationship and your dwindling funds will end up being the reason you regain
your sanity and realize there are a lot of fish in the sea and all that.. Time heals all wounds is a truism but useless, when you
are heartsick and obsessed, but I can tell you from experience TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS...

When there are problems in a relationship like yours, I can tell you they never get better but keep going and going as long as
the ATM card works and you believe there is something special about him and he isn't like the other bar boys and he really does
like you, maybe even love you and then one day a house falls on your head and it is over.. Give him a lump sum you are
comfortable with and move on if you can..

Easy to say, very tough to do, especially if he is the first one in a long time or maybe the first time ever you really felt so strongly..
Almost every one of us ex-pats and veterans of this scene, experience a variation of what you are going thru and somehow we all
survive and move on to the next and the next or until the money runs out..
Do what you have to do to live with yourself and only you know what that is..Advise is helpful but listen to yourself, you know best...

[colmx]

I notice that so far nobody has mentioned "face"...

The Thai Boy has been dumped and has lost a significant amount of "face". In my experience this loss of face is either an un-repairable issue or one which will require significant financial reparations and grovelling on the part of the farang...

And yes most thai boys would rather go back to work in the bar than be seen back with the farang who has slighted them in this way... unless the farang is seen to be publically humiliated.... thus restoring the Thai boys "face"

Crazy but... TIT

[adman5000]

I always enjoy reading your posts and am glad to see that you have gotten sincere advice back. I think in the end only you know what you should do. I think there is merit to both of the choices depending on your viewpoint. It seems like some view the search or journey as what they enjoy and others want a bit more stability and some try for the best of both. I am still learning what I want so I won't pretend to give expert advice.
Given it sounds like this young man has some desireable qualities to you it might be worth a discussion with him. I find when I successfully do this (which isn't all the time), I can learn a few thing that help point me in the direction that is right for me. The other advantage is that I then feel like my decision is a bit more logical.
Please keep us informed as we all learn from things like this.

Nothing foolish about it.

Go with your heart.

Fatman,

I'm sorry for your ordeal. Matters of the heart are so complex in LOS.

What you might want to consider is if you made this decision on a subconscious level because it might be for the best for both you and the boy. As alluded to by PeterUK, Thai-farang relationships are almost always at the heart, business relationships--even when love, affection, and great fondness are involved on the part of both parties. You need to be fair to the boy. If you cannot support him, then you need to allow him the freedom to find other customers, so he can support himself and his family.

It seems like you had a great time for the months you were together, and that you don't regret the money you've spent. Good for you. I think that is wonderful. However, if you really don't have the resources to pay for the next month (and beyond that once you leave LOS), then your relationship, as it was for the past months, for all intents and purposes is over.

However, I would approach the boy and apologize. Maybe there is some other arrangement you can work out at this juncture. If he does not get offed often in low season, he may take a reduced rate for the next month (although that can be tricky as it involves face and fair market value according to what you have already paid). He may also agree to stay with you, but still work some nights of the week. IMO, the best solution is that you off him when your budget can afford.

Then, keep in touch once you leave. Maybe in the future you can send him a few baht from time to time. You can also plan on being with him your next trip (if your heart and emotions can handle the distance and the separation after each trip). If he is as good a boy as you tell us he is, he will understand that you want to be a good customer, and hopefully he will appreciate you not leading him on with what you will do for him in the future. Be honest with him. He could even be happy to go back home and work if you can supplement his income in some small way every month. You don't know unless you talk to the boy.

Just don't make promises you cannot keep, and don't get over your head financially. Be fair to both the boy and especially to yourself.

Pete

[Impulse]

I cant add anything more than the good heartfelt advice given to you by the more experienced here.In fact very few here can be experiencing the hurt Im going thru now in my own relationship,believe me things could be much worse than what you are going thru at the moment.I hope whatever decision you decide on works out well for you,and for the boy.I know its not an easy time for you. Goodluck Fatman

[bao-bao]

ThereтАЩve been a lot of thoughtful comments on this already, Fatman, so there isnтАЩt a lot new to offer. However, since youтАЩve asked:

First тАУ Fear of a commitment is a common thing for anyone who had doubts about a relationship. It seems wise in this case that you were cautious and pulled back. It was unfortunate that the num was hurt by it, but my heart went out to you, too. Time does heal all wounds.

Second -- As weтАЩve all read in the forum: this sort of relationship has a lot going against it from the get-go, and rarely works out in the long-term. It takes two special people with excellent communication skills to make a match like this into an honest, two-way relationship. The fact that you couldn't discuss this was a clue.

Third тАУ I would hope you are able to help the young man out saving some тАЬfaceтАЭ if necessary and possible, as IтАЩm sure youтАЩd feel better about it, alsoтАж but that doesnтАЩt mean going overboard with money. You have to be realistic about your finances. IF the relationship is going to be a lasting one itтАЩll bloom and grow without any money at all.

Fourth тАУ This has been a painful lesson for you to learn, IтАЩm sure. Those of us who may think weтАЩre less attractive or desirable for whatever reason often feel our chances for a lasting relationship are less than average, but I personally donтАЩt buy into that one any more. As IтАЩve said for years: itтАЩs the person inside that matters, not the shell they carry it around in.

If the friendship can be salvaged тАУ and thatтАЩs salvaged, not bought -- itтАЩs certainly worth doing. We canтАЩt ever have enough real friends тАУ and you donтАЩt lose real friends over a miscommunication like this one.

Best of luck to you.

[paulg]

Well when the money runs out or he gets bored with you he will be gone.
Mate get f......n real,he probaly already has a woman in Isaan or wherever he s from.Do u honestly think he loves you.
Dont worry i will be there in a few months and i will test him out and bend him over give him the discipline he deserves.
I will genuinly see if he s a wooly moof .
I cant wait to get him crawling on his knees and barking like a dog.
Geez i got a hard on reading your story and thinking what i could do with him.No drop him,send him back to the bar
I will be waiting for him.I will make him my personal slave.

he is lucky he has a woolly moof like you to give him what he needs, or what you need

does he like obese midgets?????

Thank you to all those who took the time to not only post but to think seriously about my initial post. My friend returns very late tonight, however, I will not see him until tomorrow now. We have spoken briefly on the phone twice and emailed once and I am hopeful.

Finally, thank you BoyGeorge, a wonderful way to bring this post to an end. I see you have had a little spurt of postings today, each one a gem that raised a titter, especially your spat with Aunty in another thread. You managed to raise a smile, even if it takes viagra for you to raise anything else.

goodnight :geek: