poshglasgow
March 15th, 2018, 07:36
AMBIGUITY & IDIOSYNCRASIES
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(algae bra — for the slower ones)
22.This one absolutely had to be deleted. You might think I could have done that to some others!
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS”?
(please forgive— and yes, you have heard this one before I know.)
29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
30. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
32. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY.' THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(algae bra — for the slower ones)
22.This one absolutely had to be deleted. You might think I could have done that to some others!
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS”?
(please forgive— and yes, you have heard this one before I know.)
29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
30. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
32. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY.' THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?