A New Character.

[arsenal]

I might be jumping the gun here but the general consensus is that CDMatt and his Little House on the Prairie story of courage and woe in an alien world is running out of steam and in need of a boost. Many members believe that a new character would bring fresh impetus to this meandering tale of nothing actually happening. I am therefore organising a competition, open to all members excluding Matt. You need to state the name of your character, their nationality and a little background. As soon as Matt incorporates this character into the story I shall donate 1000 baht to a registered Thai charity of Matt' choice. I'm genuine and so is this offer. I look forward to some exciting potential characters appearing.

[joe552]

Ok, arsenal. I'll kick this off. I went to Si Saket with a bar boy to see his family, had a great time and bought Papa a motorbike. Oh wait, that's actually true. Are you looking for fictitous (can't spell that right) stories?

Here's one. I never brought a boy to a mall to buy trainers or Tshirts.

[Nirish guy]

i think you're missing the point of Arsenals post there somewhat Joe, read it again.......


So Arsenal ,,,,,,firstly see my previous post over on the whole Chinese death injection thing re Leo from Lao's long lost sister (lets call her Lala from Lao) arriving home with Kim from Khon Kaen in tow, claiming that their baby is in fact Matts secret love child !! and that he fathered the child whilst she stayed with Kim from Khon Kaen in Matts house with the two dogs previously....... I'll send you my bank details to enable the cash transfer, thanks.....

[joe552]

Priceless!

[arsenal]

An excellent start NIrish. I don't need your bank details as the cash goes to a Thai registered charity.

[Nirish guy]

the cash goes to a Thai registered charity.

Excuse me as every Thai guy I meet seems to end up as a registered charity just crack on and send me the money and I'll distribute it to those I feel are most deserving of our help to get them up off their knees ( or back down on to them depending if they're as cute as Leo's twin brother that is- who by the way is called Lek as he was named after his dad apparently !)

Oh and before anyone points out the Lala the ladyboy from Lao obviously couldn't GET pregnant as she IS a lady boy well.........you might have thought she was as that's how she's presented herself over all these years whereas in fact she WAS always a full woman, who was forced to grow up as a boy as the parents preferred boys to girls in lao and so it was the only way she was able to get any love from Lek from Lao ( her dad - who wasn't really as that was an uncle who had to go away for a while afterwards but that's never talked about anymore) and Lan from Lao ( her mum) - but not her REAL mum of course, but THAT as they say is a whole other story for another day........

[joe552]

I don't know if this will qualify, arsenal, but here goes.

"There once was a young man called Kim,
whose frame was incredibly thin,
He came to Pattaya, lived with our Matt, yeh,"

well I'm sure you can all supply a last line there.

[Nirish guy]

You're really not getting this are you Joe...... :)

[arsenal]

It has to be a new character Joe. Although I do like the shortened limerick.

[scottish-guy]

Will The Invisible Mod be judging the competition?

[arsenal]

Read the opening thread Scottish. It's perfectly clear how the winner will be chosen. And I understand your all consuming bitterness at being passed over for promotion after campaigning so vociferously but you just have to accept that there were better candidates. HaHaHa.

[joe552]

Ok I'm going to try again. So the farang arrives to visit the family, is treated like a long lost son until they realise he can't afford to buy Papa a motorbike. Farang leaves town in disgrace, and boy finds someone with more money.


Am I finally getting the gist of this?

[whitemouse]

Oh and before anyone points out the Lala the ladyboy from Lao obviously couldn't GET pregnant as she IS a lady boy well.........you might have thought she was as that's how she's presented herself over all these years whereas in fact she WAS always a full woman, who was forced to grow up as a boy as the parents preferred boys to girls in lao and so it was the only way she was able to get any love from Lek from Lao.



The signs that Lala from Laos was a natural born female were there all along, in fact Kim knew from day one. Kim, Matt's 'devouted' husband had his own stake in a game, and Kim made the decision to play along with Lala from Laos and her dark secret.

For everone in Matt's neighborhood in Khoen Kaen this seemed the most natural thing - couple of decent guys sharing the house, and hanging out with a cool ladyoy, often cooking up a kickass chicken cordon blu together, and inviting neigbours, and forum friends to visit. Life was wonderful!

On one of those truly beautiful, tender summer evenings of Koen Kaen, Lala from Laos and Matt were lounging on a buffalo skin in front of a fire place in the living room, with their couple of cool dogs. Lala from Laos, while under the influence of of some local whiskey and prescription painkillers, confessed to Matt her terrible secret. A quarrel followed, but they quickly made up, Matt forgave Lala from Laos, because he is an awsome dude.

In order to get back at Kim, who had earlier that day hurt Matt's feelings, Matt decided to have revenge sex with Lala from Laos.
That was the night love child of Lala from Laos and Matt was conceived. . Or so Matt was led to believe..

[joe552]

I can't possibly top these, so I'm going to bow out disgracefully.

[cdnmatt]

I don't get all the hatred against me. It's as if you guys think I'm bragging about my life, or something.

heh, jesus...

Anyway, if you need your "Matt fix", I'm getting quite excited about the upcoming move to Vientiane now. I guess I don't know, but what I would really love to happen is we start a small restaurant / pub together. We're going to need to start a business of some kind, so I can get a VISA, plus I want to give Leo security for the future in case something happens to me. I love to cook, plus I absolutely hate being stuck at home behind a computer by myself all day. I want to get out, and this would be perfect.

Just a nice, quaint place. Not directly in the tourist area, but close enough that some farangs show up once in a while. Will seat about 50 people, 10 at the bar, 40 at tables. During the day, will just be a quiet place for breakfast / lunch where you seat yourself. During dinner will turn into more of a proper restaurant where a greeter seats you, then at night more of a pub.

No farang food will be on the menu, and instead only Laos / Chinese food, and we'll get a qualified chef to help us out with that. This way Leo is happy, and is kept busy, so he doesn't get himself involved in stupid shit. Then great for me, because if I ever don't feel like sitting at home, I can just head down to the restaurant with my laptop, hang out, have a coffee / beer, and do some work.

If I hear English speaking folks come in, and if I'm feeling up for it, I can just introduce myself to them, and ask if they're happy with the menu or would prefer some good farang food. Maybe a nice shrimp cappallini (s) for an appetizer, with chicken cordon bleu plus sides for an entree, or whatever. If they like my food, I can give them my phone#, and they can all to make reservations if they ever want to come back, and I'll make sure I'm there.

There will be a little stage in the corner, and on the weekends we'll hire some local talent to come by with their guitar and play for the night. Leo says it's only about 1000 baht to get someone to play for a night, but I'm thinking probably 2000 or 3000 baht, but who knows.

This would be absolutely perfect for both of us. Leo would be happy, I'd have a place outside of home to hang out at, plus I would have a commercial kitchen to play with, which I would absolutely love. My current kitchen sucks. I'm stuck with one induction heater, and a toaster oven, and that's it. I do my best, but can't cook worth a shit in that thing.

No idea if this will happen, as it sounds pretty expensive, but who know...

[joe552]

Sorry, was it Little Red Riding Hood or one of the piggies? I find it hard to keep these fairytales in order. Matt, you've come up with some shite on this board, but this has to top them all.

[cdnmatt]

What's so shite about it? Farangs all over the place have started small businesses in SE Asia. And we need to start a business of some kind in Laos, because I don't want to be an illegal immigrant anymore, plus I want to give Leo something to do.

I'll stick with the software thing, because that's unfortunately the best way to make money, although I hate it nowadays. We're still going to need a business of some kind in Laos though.

Not sure if I'll have enough money for a restaurant, but we'll see what the next few months brings.

[Nirish guy]

Ahhh Matt, you do give us all a laugh if nothing else - and speaking personally there's certainly no hatred involved in my poster, perhaps a bit of rub tickling or sticking my thumb your eye whilst I call bullshit on some of your more lets call them creative posts, but aside from that, no hatred that's for sure - in fact as I say you DO keep us all entertained and your posts, real or not are at least fun, innocent enough and usual good humoured - which is more than can be said for some posts here of late - but come on now, we're all friends here, you can be straight with us, so come on, admit it, you DO make half this stuff up now - don't you !? ha ha hold on what am I saying in saying half ! I do of course mean EVERY fucking word !! ?? :)

[joe552]

I honestly don't know if I should shake my head, or scratch my head. Do you honestly thinks anyone here believes your shite?

[joe552]

So the original farang left in a huff, because he couldn't find a taxi. But he was quickly replaced by a naive young Canadian, whom all the family loved. The family were happy that Kim/Leo had found a nice farang, and now are even happier that they will soon move to Laos, and open a restaurant, What more could a parent want for their son?

[a447]

Do you honestly thinks anyone here believes your shite?

Of course, he doesn't. But that's not the point.

[arsenal]

No one hates you Matt but it might be time to pas the baton to one of your other creations on the board now that he's well established.

[joe552]

Have we figured out how we're going to cross the border without a valid passport? Just curious.

[cdnmatt]

Have we figured out how we're going to cross the border without a valid passport? Just curious.


Passport application is in the mail, on its way to the Canadian embassy in Bangkok. :)

Passport is no problem. Not ending up in jail, or getting blacklisted for 5 - 10 years may pose a little bit of an issue though.

[joe552]

Shakes head in disbelief yet again.

[joe552]

Then, of course, Matt's real husband arrives from Canadia to tidy up loose ends, like a divorce. Of course, Kim/Leo becomes infatuated with the farang who actually has a passport and is free to travel the world at will. No more need to sneak across the Mekong at dead of night.

[cdnmatt]

No, my farang husband actually lives in Budapest these days.

And no, I'm pretty sure Leo ain't leaving me for anyone. As it turns out, I'm pretty good at this whole love thing. :)

[joe552]

So when are you getting a divorce from your farang husband in Budapest?

[cdnmatt]

Thankfully, we're on good talking terms again, and he finally agreed to sign the divorce papers.

Unfortunately, I need to file the papers in person at the British Columbia Provincial Court. So whenever I get myself a passport, us out of Thailand to Laos, get Leo a 6 month visitor VISA to Canada, then I'll worry about putting the divorce papers together again.

I'm not too worried about it, because I doubt Leo will like Canada much. It's a very beautiful country, but once you get past its natural beauty, it's really not that great. I'm fairly confident both of us will decide that SE Asia is a better fit for us, hence getting legally married isn't much of an issue. It only matters if we plan to settle down in Canada, and I want to get him permanent residency status.

[arsenal]

CDMatt and Joe are in a competition to see how many countries they can bring in to their 'life stories'. CDMatt is currently wasting away in KK and Joe is currently wasting away in Ireland. I suggest you two get together and open a shop selling treasure maps, atlases and the like. Any location would be good.

[joe552]

not a bad idea, arsenal, but I've no real desire to live in Laos.

[Nirish guy]

Dont worry if you're joining up with Matt I doubt there's any chance of that actually happening anyway so I think you're safe enough there :)