Caring for older relatives.

[joe552]

I was made redundant from my job in a hotel in 2008. Soon after, my mother, who was in her 80s,became more frail and needed looking after.

I'm sure there must be members who've had similar experiences, having the extra demand of a loved one to look after, whether a parent or a sibling.

Sometimes, I felt that I carried the burden because I was a single man (being gay wasn't a factor!). Whereas, my siblings who all had kids and grandkids, got away with a once a week visit. In my case, I eventually said to my brother that I needed one night off a week. He was fine with that and it worked till my mother went into a home.

I'm sure there are many of us who are going through (or have gone through) similar experiences. It might be interesting to share experiences.

[cdnmatt]

Not really any personal experiences, except for Leo. I guess my mom is currently in Mexico, just got a hip replacement, and is currently learning how to walk again. My dad is physically healthy, although his mind is going on him.

Anyway, best experience I have it Leo's father was recently hospitalized due to a "stomach problem" (I didn't bother asking for more detail, because I know I wouldn't get it). However, his whole family is now pissed off at him that instead of staying with, and taking care of his father, he decided to come stay with me. So I guess somewhat similar to your situation in ways.

Can't wait to meet his parents. That will be great. Haven't even met them yet, and I'm sure they already hate me. Same as most of my family now hates Leo, and even blocked him on Skype, because they blame him for me staying in Thailand.

[joe552]

Matt, I have no idea how what what you've just posted relates in any way to my OP. I described looking after my mother. You described your "husband" NOT looking after his father.

You mention your own parents, but only in passing. How much are you caring for them?

[cdnmatt]

It has everything to do with your OP. My parents are find, although my mom has to learn how to walk again.

Leo's dad is in bad shape, but he decided to come stay with me instead of staying in the village.

[joe552]

So Leo decided NOT to take care of his dad? Yeh, I can see the similarities. He would prefer to live with you, a farang with money, than stay with his family, and do his duty? Sounds like a good guy!

[cdnmatt]

Well, he did take care of his dad. He just contracted that role out to his younger brother, that's all.

Oh, and I took care of my diabetic grandfather for about 6 months before. Does that count? He's dead now though.

[joe552]

Matt, you can't "contract out" caring for a parent. You either care for them or you don't. In my case, my sister and brother both helped to care for our mother in different ways (e.g. my sister would visit every week to shower my mother), but we all cared for her. I just happened to be in a situation where I became her primary carer.

[cdnmatt]

Matt, you can't "contract out" caring for a parent.

Yes you can. Upon hearing his father was hospitalized, I convinced him to get his butt on the first bus back to Laos. He went back, and took care of things as much as he could. Instead of staying in the village himself, he got his younger brother to move in with his father. Instead, he decided to come back and take care of his blind husband.

Technically, I probably could do life myself, but it's a WHOLE lot easier having him around to do the shopping, etc.

[joe552]

I'm sitting here just shaking my head. How long have you lived in Thailand now, and you still don't get the "family responsibility" thing. I only go on holiday, but I know the first priority that the guys have is their family. If that involves having sex with farangs, and sending some money home, then so be it. How is Leo contributing to his family. I don't believe a "good son" would walk away from a parent in need.

[Moses]

Ok, shortly, cuz of my English.

My mom passed out this March. She was 92 yo. Soldier of the Second World War. I'v been the only relative to support her since dad died 25 years ago. Last 11 years she never left home apts cuz of dizziness (vertigo?) , also she hated hospitals. So I made hospital at home for her: 24 hours nurses (with medical license) from nursing company, once a week doctor's visit, 3 times per week housekeeper, rest things like special consultations from doctors, X-rays and ultrasonic screening at home, blood tests, injections, haircuts, pedicure, online shopping for clothes - on demand. Food: simple products like bread or potatoes or milk - via online-delivery, more specific to tastes - cheese, meat, fruits (esp. at winter), tvorog (rus., most closest eqv. is soft and very young cheese), vine, coffee - it was my personal weekly delivery by weekends (I'v been living 40 km from her house).

Till last hours she was in full mind and been able to remind phone number of dispatcher from phone company which doesn't exists over 20 years already. I never told her I'm gay.

[cdnmatt]

Because his family never really gave a shit about him, so he's returning the favor. He's the 8th kid in the family, so by the time he came around, he was pretty much left to his own devices. Plus his parents seperated when he was young, so he got bounced around from house to house, until he was 13 and his new father in-law decided instead of taking care of him, it's best just to ship him off to the temple, where he lived until he was 20.

He still has a strong family who he loves of course, and he did what was necessary to take care of his father. However, he's going to always choose the best path for him personally, because that's all he's done since he was about 6.

On top of that, I'm his family now too, and I need him here, because I'm blind now. Technically, I could probably take care of myself, but not realistically. I've been taking care of him for the past 14 months, and have provided him with a better life than he's ever had, plus have promised to take care of him for the rest of his natural life. He chose me. Kind of same as I chose to remain here instead of going back to Canada.

[joe552]

Moses, thanks for your very personal post. That is the kind of experience that many of us go through, in different ways. I often wonder who will do those things for me when the time comes? But I'm sure you did the best you could - it's a tough one for our generation.

On a side note, why did you never tell her you were gay? - you don't have to answer that.

[Moses]

On a side note, why did you never tell her you were gay? - you don't have to answer that.

Oh, it is quite easy: I knew what she will accept and understand, but after such info she may start to worry about me even more :) Russia isn't that friendly :) SO it was choice not to bring more worries into her life, she had enough without my help :)

[joe552]

Moses, can totally understand that.

Matt, my intention in starting this thread was to encourage members who have a caring role, either for parents or partners, just to share some of their experience. You've shared your "husband's" experience. Thanks for that.

Btw. Moses, why all the random smilies in your post?

[jfs]

My sister and I are caring for our 98-year-old father here in California.

Sis lives with Dad full time, and I drop by a couple of times a week to help out with chores and grocery shopping.

It's a humbling experience to take care of parent you once looked up to while growing up. Fortunately, his long-term memory of the past is still intact...but his short-term memory is for shit !!

His short-term memory issue has caused a bit of friction with my sister, as it tries her patience.

But, as you say, it is the right thing to do to take care of the family.

[joe552]

Your description of your father's short term memory loss chimes with my experience. It can be very frustrating answering the same question time after time. Does your sister get a time out, just to do some things she likes for herself? It's incredibly important. I know I began to feel that being a carer was the only thing I was. It's very easy to feel you're losing your identity.

[latintopxxx]

oh lord what a guilt trip...Im not gonna waste my life sacrificing valuable time I could spend fucking bubble butted whores for tuppence...as soon as my olds got to infirm to look after themselves i shipped them off to a real nice old age nursing home. I visit twice a week when Im in town..and call them at least once a day. They r happy. Im happy.

[joe552]

I'm sure they look forward to your visit as much as I look forward to you next post.

[bobsaigon2]

Good thread. A relief from the conflicts elsewhere in the Forum.

[joe552]

My mother died in January this year - that's not a plea for sympathy btw. But since she went into the nursing home I've struggled to re-establish my own identity. Not a "carer" anymore. So what am I?

Some younger members might find this thread depressing, so go in search of bubble butts. But the reality for many of us (I believe) is we're faced with this problem as we get older, and so do our parents.

As always on the board, if you're not interested, just move on.

[jfs]

Yes, my sister gets time off. In fact, she's on a 7-week break traveling through Europe while I live with Dad full time until she returns on the 20th of this month.

But normally, she's the one that lives with him full-time.

[bobsaigon2]

I found the same thing - trying to (re-)establish my own identity. No longer a son, but rather a survivor, without that subliminal but ever-present parental attachment/support.
It took several months.

[Mickp]

I know how u feel...my mother died 2 years ago from Cancer.. she was 83 so that helped a bit as she had had a good life.

But i use to call her everyday and i miss that.
Mum left me in her Will and left my siblings out so i was lucky

[a447]

I was actually looking forward to taking care is my parents in old age, as they had provided me with a wonderful life. As an only child I needed to repay them. Unfortunately, they never made it into old age.

After their death I found it difficult to work so took early retirement.

Moses, do you think your mother had an idea you might be gay? I somehow think mothers know.

[francois]

Does taking care of a younger relative count in this thread?
I take care of my son, financially, as he is in prison. Hopefully he will be out by the time I need caring by him.

[Mickp]

In prison??

You must of brought him up well....no wonder your a bitter and twisted man Frank.

[Moses]

Moses, do you think your mother had an idea you might be gay? I somehow think mothers know.

I have no idea. But I had some "camouflage" - I had "girl-friend" (in fact just one of my best friends) and mom saw us together sometimes. That "camouflage" was only for mom. About other I never had care.

[francois]

In prison??

You must of brought him up well....no wonder your a bitter and twisted man Frank.

BadBoyBilly, I think you must be looking in the mirror when you posted the above.

[scottish-guy]

Most people are in prison because of bad judgement in specific circumstances - very small minority are truly evil.

On the "caring" front I took care of my father (alone) for the last 20yrs of his life (he died a few months ago). He stayed in my house, very rarely went out - and yes it takes over your whole life at times I felt restricted - and doing this whilst single handedly running a business.

In the last few years of his life he had short spells in hospital and running backwards and forwards to visit was far more stressful than taking care of him at home.

As Joe says - assuming your a decent person (which excludes The Rabbi), you don't get a choice you just have to do what you have to do

[joe552]

Thanks for your post SG - I can only imagine what being a carer for your father and trying to run a business was like. As you say, we just get on with it, unlike latinpox who farms out his parents to a care home just 'cos he wants to have more cheap sex with moneyboys.

[francois]

Most people are in prison because of bad judgement in specific circumstances - very small minority are truly evil.



What you wrote scottish-guy is quite true.In my son's case, an auto accident in which he was not the causative factor but received the blame since he was DUI, otherwise it was just an accident.

[arsenal]

Impossible to believe anything The Rabbi posts. Good or bad.

[latintopxxx]

u do really have to get over the whole guilt trip thing...same thing that makes you feel dirty and naughty when having sex with a 19 year old...its all in your mind...do u really think your parents want you hanging around wasting your life looking after them??? If they love u then the answer is NO. If financially you are comfortable the best for all is a home/retirement village that can look after them. Mine have a two bedroomed apartment in an assisted living complex, they have a choice of two resaurants for their meals, their place is cleaned twice a week. Life is sweet and stress free. There is even a nurse on call 24/7 and a hospital 10 min away.
Maybe you guys are working through some sort of childhood trauma...but I have no such conditions.

[scottish-guy]

...Maybe you guys are working through some sort of childhood trauma...but I have no such conditions...

Considering your predilections, methinks a Psychiatrist would beg to differ

[frequent]

Impossible to believe anything The Rabbi posts. Good or bad."The term suspension of disbelief or willing suspension of disbelief has been defined as a willingness to suspend one's critical faculties and believe the unbelievable; sacrifice of realism and logic for the sake of enjoyment" (Coleridge) and forms the basis of enjoying any work of "literature" including autobiography

[arsenal]

I think suspension of disbelief on a semi-permanent basis is how most people get along, especially women in general and mothers in particular who manage to put a glossy spin on even the most worthless of their offspring.

[Dalewood]

As long as both of my parents were alive, they could help each other out. I had been in the military and was teaching English in Bangkok when everything changed. My father died and my 75-year-old mother had her foot amputated due to diabetes. (She was 40 when I was born). As I was the only child, the party was over and back to the US I went.

For about a year, I had to wait on her hand and foot (yes, she survived my cooking). If I left the house at all, I had to make sure she was near a door and could scoot out on her backside. It went from Bangkok to celibacy that quickly. Eventually she was fitted with a prosthesis and could get around with a cane outside the house and with no help inside. I had to move to another city to find work. Things did work out financially, but I was afraid to travel abroad due to my mother's condition. She was in a nursing home for her last few years, though she was clear-headed until almost the end. I did not even go to Canada or Mexico until after she passed at 94. It was 25 years after I left before I saw Thailand again.

[joe552]

That's a powerful post Dalewood. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you're reaping the benefits now.

[Dalewood]

Thanks Joe. I will be reaping this time next week :-) (Sorry Mom....)

[latintopxxx]

dalewood I'm not even sure what to say or think...its not right to sacrifice your life that way..surely u live in a 1st world country with state subsidized elderly/sick care facilities?? At least I do and I will allow no one to derail and ambush my life.

[joe552]

But latin, you are a cruel and selfish individual. Many of us here care for, and are cared by, members of our family. I don't remember you ever mentioning siblings. If what Dalewood (and I, and many others) has done to care for an older relative, who the fuck are you to criticise? If you've nothing positive to say, maybe it's best to just say nothing?

[latintopxxx]

....ok so no differing opinions....only sheep...

[Dalewood]

Shed no tears for me. My parents were poor as churchmice growing up. I had a good childhood, they got me through college, and I could not have imagined doing things any other way.

[Manforallseasons]

Can't wait to meet his parents. That will be great. Haven't even met them yet, and I'm sure they already hate me. Same as most of my family now hates Leo, and even blocked him on Skype, because they blame him for me staying in Thailand.[/QUOTE] cdnmatt

What will happen when they find out you don't exisit?

[dinagam]

A very existential question.

[bobsaigon2]

Well said, dinagam. Which brings us to another possibility: What if Matt is the only real one and all of us are just characters in an imaginary world he has created to amuse himself ???

[arsenal]

Don't be ridiculous Bob. As if anyone's imagination could create someone as unbelievably dull as Latin.