My boyfriend is HIV and didn't tell me

[allieb]

I have just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is HIV + I visit Thailand about twice a year and look after the guy really well. when I am not there I send regular remittances to him. I haven't seen him for 6 months and was just ready for another trip until I heard through a friend of mine that he had another boyfriend who he had been with for all the time he was seeing me. He was running both of us. I also heard that he was HIV +. I called him and he confessed that he had been HIV+ for the last 2 years. He had encouraged me to have unprotected sex on my visits and I did. (Stupid me) I have been to the hospital for a test and thank god I am negative. I canceled my trip to Thailand and have stopped taking his calls. I don't care about the other boyfriend because I only see him for 2 months of the year and he is a young good looking boy, good luck to him. I am however very disappointed about him keeping secret the HIV and encouraging unprotected sex. I still think of him and feel sorry for him I understand that the other boyfriend who lives in BKK is taking care of all his medical problems. What shall I do? ignore his calls and have nothing more to do with him, or talk to him again.

You're asking us?

I don't think you need any of us to give you advice. Just think yourself very, very lucky to still be negative, and learn.
If he has only been positive for 2 yrs (I wouldn't believe that statement either) he most probably will still have a relatively high CD4 count so will not need medication. Normally medication starts when a count of 250 - 300 is taken.
I also wonder how many other (especially Thai Boys have been encouraged to have unprotected sex with him!) In most Western countries it is now a criminal offense to knowingly infect someone with the virus.

OK, this brings up a dark subject and it is a global issue.
Some HIV people are very pissed off they are sick (with good reason) and are so twisted that they either really don't care about infecting others or are consciously infecting others out of revenge against the cruel world.
Just practise safe sex everytime.

If you have unprotected sex then the responsibility for placing yourself at risk is yours, and yours alone.

If you truly have feelings for him then keep talking to him at least for a while.

If the relationship/sex life is finished at least you can be a shoulder/listening ear to help him through the hard times that will inevitably come...no need to give him money..if he values you as a friend he will stay in contact. he will need encouragement to stick to his meds whenever that stage begins and constant reminders not to have unprotected sex ever again as he could ruin many peoples lives.

Its a lose/lose situation for both of you and a very sad story but could you bear the thought of him possibly being very ill and dying alone?

Only you know how close you where and how much you want to help him.

Good luck to both of you and i sincerely hope they find a cure for this awful disease.

Thank you, Ann Landers!

This boy didn't care enough about the original poster to avoid having unprotected sex... in fact he encouraged it. Dump the piece of shit and move on.

[Dboy]

If someone tried to kill me, I doubt I'd still be on speaking terms with him; but it's your decision of course. I'm very glad you tested negative.

Dboy

The situation with my boyfriend was rather different as he was obviously ill at the time he had the test. His first act was to telephone me and encourage me to have a test. We'd always been safe and the result was negative.

There really is NO alternative to safe sex. As other respondents have said only you can decide whether to keep in touch with him.

[bucknaway]

You beat me to it... Now I don't have to say a word...


If someone tried to kill me, I doubt I'd still be on speaking terms with him; but it's your decision of course. I'm very glad you tested negative.

Dboy

What a bummer :bounce:

OK, this brings up a dark subject and it is a global issue.
Some HIV people are very pissed off they are sick (with good reason) and are so twisted that they either really don't care about infecting others or are consciously infecting others out of revenge against the cruel world.
Just practise safe sex everytime.

Unfortunately, these malicious bug givers are growing in number. They tend to hang around in saunas and dark rooms where people are more tempted to have unprotected sex. To the original poster, you should have no compunction whatsoever in dumping this attempted murderer. He had intentionally misled and deceived you on at least two counts: he was encouraging you to have unsafe sex with him while he wasn't being sexually monogamous and far worse, he already knew he was positive. And all this while you were generously supporting him. How do you know he's currently not doing this to others? Who is in his fucking right mind would want to continue giving financial or emotional support to someone like that?

The golden rule is: if someone offers to have unprotected sex with you, assume that he is already positive.

Dump him, dump him, dump him and LEARN, LEARN, LEARN.

I think I will drop some bad words to this threat. Never be with a man around the world, Thailand, Denmark, USA without think he is HIV positive. I am HIV-, but will never ask my partner. Yes off course if it will be a partnership for long time maybe I would ask, but never in a relation long in distance. What are you doing and his se┬┤x between your visits, Always play safe. I had a boyfriend who sometimes turned his ass to my dick, and I always had to stop him. I did never understand him, I had to move him from my d.dick, but┬┤when I was inside him it was with a condom. Well there were some comment before that the guy were going to kill you, but you should be the one not to be infected. Also think of the other diseases you can have without rubber.

[Impulse]

Yes I would drop him as he decieved you.However if you really like the guy you can be supportive of him.As educated as most of us are about hiv I dont think many Thais know much about stds or hiv.To them a virus that cannot be seen is not very scary,maybe if they see other sick Thais with aids and how sick they are they will get the message.remember,someone gave him the virus.Its like a child molester who is molested as a child.You must have some sympathy for them.What is unsafe sex to you,or anyone here? Anal is very risky,oral not nearly as much.If your saying you blew him without a condom and that is what he encouraged you to do,then he might not have thought you were at risk.or if he performed oral on you that is virtually risk free.

[wowpow]

Some years ago I was desperatly fond of a sex worker in London. We socialised as well as doing it. Then he told me that he was HIV positive. He told me very intensley that he had only made the mistake of unsafe sex on one occasion and he told the guy who had had a test and was negative. Other than that he said he had only oral sex.

In my mind there is an, illogical, mile of difference between going with a sex worker who has a high chance of being HIV+ and one that you know is +. I never slept with him after that and our relationship finished.

allieb - The wise thing to do is to dump the boy immediately. He is not in any danger and his medical problems are being taken care of. He has had another boyfriend and for some reason - which you will never know - he encouraged unprotected sex with you. Wisdom is fine but will the head or the heart rule?

[catawampuscat]

I am scheduling a full physical exam at one of the international hospitals after delaying for several years.. Five years ago I tested negative and have
no reason to think anything has changed but just in case, I am not sure of the implications of testing positive for a farang in a international hospital
and would prefer to be tested anonymously first just in case.. I generally practice safe sex but I am not a saint and managed to stay negative into
my late sixties, so I do not need a lecture from anyone thank you but I would appreciate advise on where a farang can get an anonymous genuine
HIV test in Pattaya.. Do the small clinics that advertize HIV testing require passports and are they reliable?? Someone with experience getting tested
anonymously would be best to answer and hopefully the trolls will miss this query.... :cat:

I have always opposed this talk of criminalization of HIV transmission because itтАЩs just plain stupid. Except in cases of rape, unsafe sex takes TWO to tango and putting all the legal burden on one party is just wrong. IтАЩve always imagined it was conjured up by straight lawmakers who were horrified when they realized that they might become HIV+ when they go f*ck their whores and mistresses, so they decided the best way to protect themselves was passing a law to criminalize anyone who gave it to them. Stupid.

Now this talk about HIV+ people out there who are angry at the world and out to give it to as many other persons as possible is, I suspect, just more fear-mongering by those that want to attack the epidemic by criminalization rather than EDUCATION and PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

Besides, the transmission of HIV is in fact rather difficult. Even an HIV+ man topping an HIV-negative man only has a few percent chance of infecting him (per unsafe event); and an HIV positive bottom has a hundredth less chance than that of infecting a top. So itтАЩs not like picking up a gun and shooting, but with all the scare-mongering thatтАЩs exactly what youтАЩd think was happening.

Even if there are mad HIV+ persons out there trying to infect the world (and I think thatтАЩs bullsh!t), they canтАЩt hurt YOU if YOU act RESPONSIBLY and always protect yourself. And therein lies my suspicion тАж that these people who want to criminalize HIV transmission are trying to still make it safe for themselves to be unsafe without risk of infection.

This criminalization issue is just another big reason why many guys do not want to know their HIV status, and that is not the direction to go if this epidemic is to be controlled.

But back to the original posterтАЩs question and request for advice: Boygeenyus is right: this Thai hustler (your тАЬboyfriendтАЭ) lied to you over and over again; dump the piece of sh!t and move on.

[bkkguy]

a first post and a good selection of "must have" attributes for a Thai bar boy heartbreak story but he still succeeds in getting all these concearned responses from the bleeding hearts here - I bet he is rolling on the floor in delight at it all

or is Jerry Springer syndrome alive and well in Saudi Arabia and my troll filters just over-reacting

bkkguy

I don't know if it has slipped your mind, but there are people out there who are going round purposely doing that. Similarly, there are people out there in long-term relationships and specifically married to each other and passing it on to their partner, there partner thinking that they are faithful and should worry about nothing, thinking that everything is fine becuase they are "married".

Ask yourself if it is fair if that the unfortunate ones need the support of the law?

The "unfortunate ones" need to get a brain and realize that safe sex must be practiced every time, with every one. If someone put a bullet into the chamber of a revolver, voluntarily put it to their head and clicked, you wouldn't be calling them an "unfortunate one" if their brains got blown out. You'd be calling them a moron, which they are.

[allieb]

Thanks to everyone who answered this post. I would just like to say to BKK who thinks I am rolling about the floor laughing, that I'm not. Unlike most people on this site I am fairly new to the Thai scene.This boy who I got myself involved with was the first, on my first trip and there have been no others on my 7 trips to Thailand. I was completely bowled over by his charm and thought (not knowing the scene well) that I had met the most exceptional Thai in Thailand. The age difference between us is great 30 years

I have learned a very hard lesson that all that glitters is not gold. I would also like to inform BKK that far from rolling around the floor laughing, I had the worst 2 months of my life I am a European working in Saudi. I was unable to get a test here as a positive result for a non Saudi means getting arrested at the hospital by waiting cops, kept in a secure hospital wing and deported as spoon as possible. I had been a bottom on scores of occasions with this boy without a condom as I had been totally infatuated with him ( I will never do that again with anybody) I thought that I would be positive. I had to wait 2 months for my upcoming vacation which was to be in Bangkok and I switched to London so that I could have the test without fear. I tested negative.

I can only thank god for my negative result and truly blame myself for the 2 months of hell waiting. I am a good hearted person and think often of this boy who did give me some lovely times. He did deceive me but I still think of him with compassion.

May I meekly suggest that he might have been too afraid to tell you, loss of income or just in denial. HIV must be complicated enough to come to terms with, without dealing with insensitive farangs 30yrs your senior, who in the main expect to buy sex from all and sundry and not have to deal with the HIV status of the seller or the long term side affects of this occupation? Long term relationships, monogyny? What are you exactly expecting?

Do all the boys you "off" first ask you if you are positive or not? How does this work, do you ask them?

[allieb]

Dear Cedric

Thanks for your input. I didn't off him from a go go bar I met him in a disco and took him out for dinner. I was new to the scene in Bkk and had fully protected sex for 3 trips to Bkk. On my 4th trip we discussed the proposition of unprotected sex,he suggested that and also told me he was at a status of unknown while in reality, as I know now, he knew his status as positive at that stage.

I knew about the other boyfriend who he knew before me. He said he had been having protected sex with the other guy with but at this point he wanted to make a go of it with me for long term monogamy. He asked me to come and live in Bkk. This I said I would do after finishing my contract in Saudi in 2007. we even looked for condos and I was close to buying one when all this happened.

So its not a case of touch and go I thought I was building a good relationship and gave him an allowance during the time I was absent. I tried to make his life comfortable and as I said thought I had met the one special guy. I tried to make the money side of it dignified for him and never attached it to sex for sale.

Allieb, from what I have read on this forum from others, you have a long way to go. There is a lot of information and personal account here of "long term" relationships with Thais, some successful but mostly not. So you have come to the right place.
From what I have just read, I believe you were a little silly,perhaps even getting carried away, it is not so important where you met the guy or how. If his status was unknown, it was unknown, why on earth would you have unprotected sex with him? He told you he didn't know and perhaps this is true perhaps not, but he did not tell you he was negative.

If he had, assuming he was lying at the time, told you he was positive, would you have continued your "long term", long distance, financial arrangement?

It is not a pleasant thing to blow the sweet sentiments from your romantic sails, but love is a relative thing, certainly where there is a 30yr age difference. You can hardly expect a line up of village virgins ? Obviously not. If you took to having unprotected sex with a man (stranger for all intensive purposes, even if you dated for a month) you did this out of free choice. No matter what he told or did not tell you at the time. There is only one way to know if you are positive and that is by having a blood test. Did you not suggest at the time that it would have been better for you both to do the test before you let your hair down?

I would suggest if you had any real feelings for the guy at the time, that you re-kindle your relationship and help him through the bad times.
And stop thinking of numero uno alone. You are never going to be the only man in the life of guy 30yrs your junior, this you must of course already know, no matter the insentive. Might be better to come to terms with this (mutual arrangement) and accept, rather than feel hard done by later on.

I had a fairly long affair with a lad in New York who was one of the youngest to catch HIV and failed to tell me although I already knew from other sources.

You are dealing with very human emotions here and it's very difficult to pass judgement upon a person when they had a life threatening illness that you may have caught. There could be many reasons he failed to tell you and it may have been for others rather than any sinister motive.

The survival instinct is strong in all of us and he may have been teriffied of loosing your support ( financially) and emotionally. He could even have been in some sort of denial mode. Farangs often make the mistake that they are dealing with people who are as sophisticated as they are or have the same thought process.

Only you can know how you really felt about this person but if your feelings are very deep for him I think you should find forgiveness within yourself and maintain a bond with him and now offer him a different type of help.

Remember..your Karma !!!! perhaps this is a test to see whether you can show you have a good heart.

( sermon ends here)

ps: I'm pleased to report my young NY friend is still alive 25 years later and thriving despite various problems and we remain good friends)

The "unfortunate ones" need to get a brain and realize that safe sex must be practiced every time, with every one. If someone put a bullet into the chamber of a revolver, voluntarily put it to their head and clicked, you wouldn't be calling them an "unfortunate one" if their brains got blown out. You'd be calling them a moron, which they are.

You're being so specific here, if someone was holding a bullet to someone's head, they would "see that" and would avoid that situation happening in the first, it is obvious, whereas my other "subject matter" is not obvious and the people I'm talking about may not even be ignorant of the fact.

The metaphor stands for anyone who would have bareback sex. An uncovered dick is the same as a revolver. It may have a bullet in it and it may not, but you're an idiot to let someone put it to your head either way.

[mikelele-old]

I must concur.


You beat me to it... Now I don't have to say a word...


If someone tried to kill me, I doubt I'd still be on speaking terms with him; but it's your decision of course. I'm very glad you tested negative.

Dboy

BKK wrote
all these concearned responses from the bleeding hearts here

I was going to write that another name for it is "Compassion" but Allieb beat me to it with his more considered reply.

I know from personal experience just how rewarding a relationship with a Thai guy can be. It's worth bearing in mind that many Thais still believe as a matter of fact that you can't get HIV if you love the person you're having sex with. We might call that ignorant but it doesn't change the situation. The cultural differences are still enormous especially when you are dealing with young guys who come to Bangkok and Pattaya from their small village homes. He might have the latest hairstyle and all the atributes of western consumerism but his beliefs can still be radically different from yours.

It's worth bearing in mind that many Thais still believe as a matter of fact that you can't get HIV if you love the person you're having sex with.

Never in my life have I heard such a crock of shit. Fine me ONE Thai that believes this, much less "many".

Before I added "Boygeenyus" (a misnomer if ever there was one) to my ignore list I read enough of his foul mouthed post to gather the gist.

I would suggest that he goes to some rural Thai villages (as I have) and visits some of those involved in the treatment and prevention of AIDS. I would also suggest that he talks to some of the Buddhist monks in such places who are often the only source of care in the area (as I have). He might then learn the truth of my remarks rather than parading his ignorance for all to read (except me thankfully).

Hellooo, anybody home? The issue here is not that the boy withheld the fact that he was positive but induced and encouraged the original poster to bottom bareback while fully aware of his positive status.

A boy who was savvy enough to go with farang (how old is he - mid twenties?) would have had at least a few friends who were infected and/or died from AIDS. If only people were to you use their eyes and brains more instead of their raw dicks and arses, they'd realise how prevalent the disease is among the Silom Soi 4 'non-commercial' crowd (hah!) and their counterparts in Phuket and Chiang Mai.

If he was smart enough to find you, sleep with you and two-time you, trust me he knew what the consequences were of breeding you with his infected seed. The moment he was diagnosed positive he would have been given literature as well as the opportunity to be counselled on living with HIV and its consequences. I believe this is the law.

Ignorance or more likely sheer recklessness may have been the reason for him being infected. But to wilfully lie about his positive status and to lure you to bareback under the pretext of monogamy, is vindictive and culpable behaviour in my book.

Now that he can't hear me: Khun Jon is an absurd little twat. He thinks because he's visited a "rural Thai village" and spoken to some monks (in Thai?), that he is the end-all expert on Thais' views on AIDS...and he has concluded that "many" of them think that "love" makes you immune to the virus. I repeat: what a crock of shit. Go ahead an "ignore" anyone who thinks and knows differently. A sure-fire way of staying ignorant.

[catawampuscat]

Khun Jon,
don't ignore bg..he gets testy sometimes but at least he is intelligent and has opinions worth considering..I often disagree but at least
he has a mind unlike some of the mindless trolls on this forum... you will be tempted to peek anyway and bg won't suffer if you ignore him..
I have some posters on ignore so long I can't remember why anymore..

boygeenus : I have no idea how many Thais believe or think whatever they may about HIV but I did actually meet a 23 year old a month ago in Bangkok who kept insisting on having unprotected sex because he takes a special "potion" his doctor gives him which prevents HIV. He though I was the crazy one who wouldn't do it and I believe he was genuine in his belief. And I'm talking about a guy that works for the government.

I keep saying..we are dealing with people who can have a totally different though process and can be highly uneducated in the ways of the world.

don't ignore bg..he gets testy sometimes but at least he is intelligent and has opinions worth considering..I often disagree but at least
he has a mind unlike some of the mindless trolls on this forum... you will be tempted to peek anyway and bg won't suffer if you ignore him..
I have some posters on ignore so long I can't remember why anymore..

I posted some comments that I know to be true and "Boygeenyus's" response was insulting, ignorant and crude. I have no intention of bothering with anymore of his posts and couldn't care less what he thinks about anything. He will remain on my "Ignore" list.

I know you're peeking, Khun Jon. You just can't stand not to know what I'm writing, can you? Teeheehee...

Kun Jon wrote :


He will remain on my "Ignore" list

I not talk personal to you Kun Jon but the ignore list is for a scary looser. There is not one on SF go bring me so far i put him on ignore. I let them drivel. Go cares to be on " ignore " , from some SF members . Some put it in my face i am on ignore, it makes me laugh. The last weapon for a looser is the ignore but tom, it's like if i can not hit you in your face i put you on ignore. It is a frustration but tom ! :bigsmurf:

[marc11864-old]

allieb, it's hard to simply turn your feelings on and off as I am sure that you well know. What is in your heart, is just as important as what is in your head. You should certainly take some time to step away from the episode so that you can think more clearly. That said, you should still protect yourself in the future no matter what you decide.

I would also take anything said on these boards with a grain of salt and instead, seek out people that you know well and have a reason to trust more for advice. Perhaps those who have some knowledge of your relationship with this young man.

I question whether turning your back on him will have as profound an impact as encouraging him to be more honest with others. You have placed yourself in somewhat of a "mentor" position... so mentor!

Note, I don't say that what he did was acceptable. It most certainly was not. But, isolating someone who is hiv+ is more likely to make that person become even more dangerous and mentally ill, not less.