A confession from a bad Thai guy, and I am facing depression

[andyrose]

Hello everyone

From my previous journal entry, I just want to say that I am in Toronto now.
I finally got a place from a Thai landlady.
The price is reasonable and the room is quite comfortable.
Thanks for all of your advice.


In this entry, I would like to ask you for some other advice.
I have been feeling down lately for some reason. I really donтАЩt know exactly why I feel that way.
I have so many things on my mind. I think it might be because of that.


Someone told me I should write it down somewhere. I shouldnтАЩt keep it inside.
It would be better for me to let it out.I have been carrying on for too long, I guess.
ItтАЩs time to make confessions, I believe.

When I first had my American live-in boyfriend, I was only 22 and he was 62.
YeahтАж.yeah, I know the big gap in age between us was 40.
When we were walking down the street together, lots of people looked at us.
He couldnтАЩt care less and neither did I.

Then, I had a German boyfriend, another American boyfriend and a Canadian boyfriend.
There were so many bad things that I did to them. I can recall a few and I feel regret.
Sometimes, I feel very guilty and I wish I could go back and change things.
I used to feel like I had some kind of trauma in my memories from my childhood.
Therefore, I tried to use those people to replace something.

There were some times that I was absolutely struggling and I felt like drowning.
I met my Canadian boyfriend, and he helped me get out of Thailand.
There were papers after papers after papers that I had to fill out.
I donтАЩt remember how many times we wrote back and forth.
I finally got a visa to his country (Canada).

I thought it would be the end of my long journey with suffering.
Instead, it was just the beginning of another disaster.
After that, I married a Dutch guy and our marriage failed terribly.
I would like to make some confessions. I think I am ready to face reality.
I believe it will set me free from my haunted memories. And finally, my spirit can rest in peace.


My question is where or which website can I use to do that?

I want to tell my true stories. And I hope someone will listen to me.
I am looking for a place with lots of traffic so at least my stories will be read by many people.

Which website would you recommend?

Someone advised me to use facebook. I heard about that, but I donтАЩt know how it works.
All advice is appreciated.
Best regards,
Andy

[francois]

Have you considered Dear Abby a well read column in many American newspapers?

[mahjongguy]

Write down all your bad stories. Use as many pages as you like. Then burn them while spinning round and round and chanting "I will never troll again".

[JamesIII]

Hey check out some support groups and join..I live down in Sacramento Ca and we have several gay support goups and helpful..when you get into the group unload all your problems out in the open with the group..helpful very much so like
AA Alanon etc
James

[arsenal]

Yoy were lucky the first time you posted that anyone took you seriously but this...pleeeaaase.

[ainamor]

Someone advised me to use facebook. I heard about that, but I donтАЩt know how it works.

Facebook works just like these forums, but the advantage is that you can make a bigger pratt of yourself to a much wider audience than you have done here.

[catawampuscat]

Silly old farang.
Sure you're depressed and such a bad boy. Stuck in frozen Canada.
Probably based on a Thai boy and perhaps the silly old man is playing out
the horrors the Thai boy did in his interpretation. Such morality and guilt clearly
emanating from a farang. The need to confess, so catholic. Silly
to pretend when it's so obviously written by an old obsessed farang.
There are websites for fiction, just do a search.

[Surfcrest]

My question is where or which website can I use to do that?

Hi Andy,

Sorry for some of the responses so far, we aren't used to seeing many "Thai's" with us and so some members might believe you are a farang posing as a Thai. Fortunately, I can verify that your first posts with us were from Thailand and now you are indeed posting from Toronto, Canada.

Back to your inquiry;

I'm not sure what you've done to think you are "bad", but being depressed about it is not going to help. I'm not even sure whether discussing it with the world on whatever website you chose in the end will help your cause either.

Have you thought of contacting the people you feel guilty towards to express your feelings and to measure their responses? It sounds like you have some issues with each of the guys that you mentioned and that you didn't settle when you broke up with them. Perhaps they feel guilty too with the way things turned out.

I think it is fair to say that Thai's handle relationships differently than "Farangs" and so if you are interested in dating farangs, you may need to behave more like them especially here in Canada.

I hope you're not frozen solid in Toronto, I hear they have an extreme cold advisory these past few days. It's been sunny and warm out here on the west coast (lol).

Surfcrest

[dab69]

not accustomed to the cold and longer dark hours would certainly add to depression,
and interpreted as other causes.

[andyrose]

Thank you everyone for all advice.

Ainamor, thanks for your explanation.
When I create a facebook, can I ask you for more detail please?
I need to know how it works exactly.

Surfcrest, thanks for your information.
You donтАЩt have to say тАЬsorryтАЭ about some of the responses .
Because itтАЩs not really your fault.

Back to the story;

ItтАЩs too complicated to tell you everything right now.
To be honest, I donтАЩt even know if I can really spell it out in a year.
I know deep in my heart, the relationships were ended because of my fault.
Well, I had some personal issues and I was too cowardly to admit it.


I have been running away from the truth.
You know why ?

Because the truth is too painful for me to deal with.
I would like to think otherwise, but the truth is always there.
No matter where I try to go, no matter where I try to hide, it always comes back around me.

ItтАЩs time for me to face it and be able to accept the fact.
And finally, learn to let go and learn to love myself.

Well, someone advised me to talk with the counselor in Toronto. http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/pro ... ssion.html (http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/programs/counselling/depression.html)

I did once in 2012, but I wasnтАЩt absolutely being honest to her.
Besides, I donтАЩt want to listen to one opinion or one feedback.

I would like to listen from many people around the world.
I like to read lots of feedbacks.
Because I believe different people may have different opinion.

That is the reason why I am looking for the right website.

Best regards,
Andy

[andyrose]

About the weather in Toronto;

Last week, we have like a snow wind and it was brutal.
I think it was like minus 20-30 Celsius.
When I was walking to Sobeys, I felt like I was going to die.
My legs went numb and I had to walk very quickly.

Someone told me, this is the coldest February in the history.
Anyway, I look forward to Spring season.
I picked the best month to come to Toronto ( haтАжтАж.ha).

[fountainhall]

I have been running away from the truth.
You know why ?

Because the truth is too painful for me to deal with.
I would like to think otherwise, but the truth is always there.
No matter where I try to go, no matter where I try to hide, it always comes back around me.

ItтАЩs time for me to face it and be able to accept the fact.
And finally, learn to let go and learn to love myself.
There are a lot of guys on the various chat rooms who would be happy to give you the benefit of their experience. But unless they know what "the truth" is and more detail about the problem, it's frankly impossible. And remember - you are the one that said you wanted to make some confessions. Write them down. Let us know the "truth" and we'll try and help.

I would like to make some confessions. I think I am ready to face reality.
I believe it will set me free from my haunted memories. And finally, my spirit can rest in peace.

[francois]

Andy, after your confession please see me for your penance.

[Manforallseasons]

Your missing the obvious this is the perfect place to unload, that merit shit is bullshit your going to hell so at least share your tale with those that really care. :ymdevil:

[Smiles]

For what it's worth:
I think AndyGala has gone a very long way already in redeeming himself: and any decent shrink would spout on ad nauseum about how recognizing-one's-own-defects (i.e. " ... I am a BAD BAD BAD Thai guy...". PS: self-flagellation is not necessary) is definitely on the the main road to forgiving one's self.

However, not being a shrink, I would advise you to just get over it! It was only boyfriends and husbands after all ... not nuclear fucking war, and they are a dime a dozen anyway. Bet you a million dollars (Canadian) they've completely forgotten you and your crimes by now.
~ And please please, don't go Facebooking and Tweeting all over hell's half acre. That would be a social disaster, ensuring that you will come out the other side in just a terrible state.
~ And stay far away from anything sounding like 'Group Dynamics' (or some such).
~ And also, stay away from people who insist on Group Hugs at the end of Group Dynamics sessions (which you should have stayed away from.)

[catawampuscat]

For what it's worth:
I think AndyGala has gone a very long way already in redeeming himself: and any decent shrink would spout on ad nauseum about how recognizing-one's-own-defects (i.e. " ... I am a BAD BAD BAD Thai guy...". PS: self-flagellation is not necessary) is definitely on the the main road to forgiving one's self.

However, not being a shrink, I would advise you to just get over it! It was only boyfriends and husbands after all ... not nuclear fucking war, and they are a dime a dozen anyway. Bet you a million dollars (Canadian) they've completely forgotten you and your crimes by now.
~ And please please, don't go Facebooking and Tweeting all over hell's half acre. That would be a social disaster, ensuring that you will come out the other side in just a terrible state.
~ And stay far away from anything sounding like 'Group Dynamics' (or some such).
~ And also, stay away from people who insist on Group Hugs at the end of Group Dynamics sessions (which you should have stayed away from.)

Good advise, although a little self flagellation might bring redemption .

[lukylok]

I can understand that Latin has not been - regrettably - in the cursus of many.
But "ad nauseum" does not exist. It is "ad nauseam".
That latin quote is often wrongly used in the forums. But quotation have to be correct, or not used.

Unless you want to say "in vinum veritas" ! :D

[thaiguest]

For what it's worth:
I think AndyGala has gone a very long way already in redeeming himself: and any decent shrink would spout on ad nauseum about how recognizing-one's-own-defects (i.e. " ... I am a BAD BAD BAD Thai guy...". PS: self-flagellation is not necessary) is definitely on the the main road to forgiving one's self.

However, not being a shrink, I would advise you to just get over it! It was only boyfriends and husbands after all ... not nuclear fucking war, and they are a dime a dozen anyway. Bet you a million dollars (Canadian) they've completely forgotten you and your crimes by now.
~ And please please, don't go Facebooking and Tweeting all over hell's half acre. That would be a social disaster, ensuring that you will come out the other side in just a terrible state.
~ And stay far away from anything sounding like 'Group Dynamics' (or some such).
~ And also, stay away from people who insist on Group Hugs at the end of Group Dynamics sessions (which you should have stayed away from.)

And stay away from "counselling" also.
After the Lockerbie Tragedy surviving children in the village were offered state-sponsored free counselling. About half took up the offer and the remaing families decided to face the situation alone.
Guess what?
A review of the 2 groups was carried out in 2013 and group that went the counselling route are far more fu-ked up emotionally than the group that kept it in the family.

[thaiguest]

I can understand that Latin has not been - regrettably - in the cursus of many.
But "ad nauseum" does not exist. It is "ad nauseam".
That latin quote is often wrongly used in the forums. But quotation have to be correct, or not used.

Unless you want to say "in vinum veritas" ! :D

But the mob can be more cryptic than the scholar like in distilling everything down to "hocus-pocus" for example.

But the mob can be more cryptic than the scholar like ..."scholar like". Do you mean "scholarly"?
And stay away from "counselling" also. After the Lockerbie Tragedy surviving children in the village were offered state-sponsored free counselling. About half took up the offer and the remaing families decided to face the situation alone. Guess what? A review of the 2 groups was carried out in 2013 and group that went the counselling route are far more fu-ked up emotionally than the group that kept it in the family.A result that has been repeated time after time - all part of the ghastliness of "me, me, me" I'm afraid. Mind you, we have it among certain of our posters who not only believe that every member pants for their (porno)graphic trip reports but also remembers them, word for word, forever after.

[Smiles]

" ... But "ad nauseum" does not exist. It is "ad nauseam". That latin quote is often wrongly used in the forums ... "
Thank you for this Lukylok. My immediate reaction on reading your post was to reply " ... just bite me ...", but I did Google the phrase just out of curiosity before replying, and I'm glad I did.
Lots of 'stuff' came up around the phrase (wrongly spelled) 'ad nauseum', but I realized you were spot on when I came across this sentence: "... Seeing how often ad nauseam is misspelled makes some people want to throw up ... ". Perhaps you wrote it?

I've been using the incorrect spelling for many years now ~ a lot of those times in regards to good old Beachlover #-o ~ so thanks for the heads up. No one has ever pointed it out. (Now let's see if I can remember to get it right).

[a447]

Kommie,


Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.

Fran├зois de La Rochefoucauld

Lol

Lukylok, I'll also put my hand up - I always thought it was "ad nauseum."

[Patanawet]

I can understand that Latin has not been - regrettably - in the cursus of many.

That latin quote is often wrongly used in the forums.
:D
Surely the plural of 'forum' is 'fora' not 'forums'. :p

Kommie,


Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.

Fran├зois de La Rochefoucauld

Lol

Lukylok, I'll also put my hand up - I always thought it was "ad nauseum."Ah how typical in response to a post about "me me me" that we find a447 turning the conversation to "him him him".

[lukylok]

I can understand that Latin has not been - regrettably - in the cursus of many.


Surely the plural of 'forum' is 'fora' not 'forums'. :p

In latin certainly, but you will find forum in English dictionnaries, and thus the plural form is forums.
Just like solos and not soli.

[Nirish guy]

Ah how typical in response to a post about "me me me" that we find a447 turning the conversation to "him him him".


Just wondering, are you going to keep this latest round of bullshit personal attacks up for long, just like your continual trolling and like most of our apparently early morning beer drinking posters here it's all getting a bit old and played out already.

[catawampuscat]

Ah how typical in response to a post about "me me me" that we find a447 turning the conversation to "him him him".


Just wondering, are you going to keep this latest round of bullshit personal attacks up for long, just like your continual trolling and like most of our apparently early morning beer drinking posters here it's all getting a bit old and played out already.

It's a weird form of personal zapping, almost affectionate and certainly obsessive.
It is tedious and self indulgent but it beats this silly thread by a kilometer. Will the
Bad Thai guy ever spill his guts and find redemption, will we collectively forgive his
grievous sins, will he become a good Thai guy? Gay farangs everywhere want to know.

Ah how typical in response to a post about "me me me" that we find a447 turning the conversation to "him him him".Just wondering, are you going to keep this latest round of bullshit personal attacks up for long, just like your continual trolling and like most of our apparently early morning beer drinking posters here it's all getting a bit old and played out already.Probably

[a447]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQZYuSx1284

Can someone be so stupid as to not see the irony here?

I guess they can, eh Kommie? Lol

It's one thing to attack the contents of a member's post, but another to attack the poster simply for posting. Like everyone else here I put my posts up on the board for anyone to read or ignore. If members wish to criticise or disagree with what we all post here, then so be it; we know that that goes with the territory. I don't have a problem with that at all.

I have never met Kommentariat/ homintern (?), Sooty (?). And no, we didn't travel anywhere together! His total obsession with me only started recently and I think was in part fuelled by his humiliating "gotcha" moment where he ended up falling flat on his face because he forgot at the time that there was a bar - a gogo bar - opposite Bonnys Massage where you can sit out on the terrace.
He got more upset when I pointed to some factual errors in some of his posts. (Hugo Chavez was not the president of Argentina).

From then on I've been mentioned in just about every post on every topic in every thread he's participated in, even if I was not in the thread.

But it goes further than that. Some people just can't stand the thought that others may just be having a better time than themselves. Envy takes over and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to denigrate them. But in doing so, they only end up denigrating themselves and, in Kommie's case, end up looking obsessively negative.

Johannes Brahms put it better:

"Those who enjoy their own emotionally bad health and who habitually fill their own minds with the rank poisons of suspicion, jealousy and hatred, as a rule take umbrage at those who refuse to do likewise, and they find a perverted relief in trying to denigrate them".

And Kommie, you thought old Johannes was just a piano player!

[catawampuscat]

Now it makes sense. Just an obsessed stalker.
At least he's somewhat witty and amusing but I did wonder how A447 could put up with such a nasty travelling
companion. I imagine komme shot his load when A447 replied, as it's the wet dream of all stalkers, just to
get a mention. The really demented, alcohol impaired among us hate to be ignored and just want to be loved,
but reality is, bar flies and stalkers are destined to lonely miserable lives waiting for their livers to give up.
A447 among the best trip reporters here and I'll gladly read a hot and heaving throbbing post anytime over one
that details every baht ever spent and at what time and of course, the indigent ones who find out Thailand is
not home and English is a second language and it's not all about them.
I can't wait for this thread to get back on topic, the suspense is too much to bear.

What a447 is hoping I wouldn't mention in the context of his obsession with big dicks is the episode that occurred in Kuala Lumpur. Coming out of my bathroom after showering I encountered a447 in the room. Perhaps I had left the door unlatched. Crawling across the room on his hands and knees he begged me for the chance to - as he put it - "play" with my particularly large member. It was one occasion where noblesse was certainly not going to oblige

[Smiles]

Just wondering how Andygala is getting along in his quest for self forgiveness? His topic was outrageously hijacked by 'As Usual' and I'm afraid such a consequence might just put him over the edge. Though we shall never know ... he has seemingly taken a powder (a meek one).

Andy did post exactly the same message on ThaiVisa's exceedingly dull gay forum and the replies were divided (not equally) between the cynics who thought he was full of it, and the usual suspects who would embrace him if they could and sing kumbaya (sp ?) into his ear in whispered tones. ( http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/803 ... epression/ (http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/803492-a-confession-from-a-bad-thai-guy-and-i-am-facing-depression/) ). I rather chuckled at this nasty one-liner: "... Try www. Bigyawn.com ..." :-s

I never really made up my mind which group to join, though normally I would lean to the cynic's camp.

[francois]

If Andygala isn't a troll then he should be.

[loke]

If he was really depressed I worry for his life.