James Barnes
August 5th, 2013, 14:24
Different Strokes
By James Barnes
William has lived in Thailand for more than twenty years. He is a middle class, middle Englander who taught at prestigious higher education institutions until his retirement about five years ago. He is a bright guy who has been with his Thai boyfriend and extended Thai family for most of his time here. He has a helpful nature, a ready wit and is a fount of knowledge, invaluable to any green expat, who has just arrived in the land of smiles. He certainly assisted me with many essential minutiae of administration requisite to a wrinkle free existence in my new home. But we donтАЩt talk anymore.
We used to go shopping together, house hunting together, bar hopping together and regularly dined at each otherтАЩs table. We occasionally had afternoon tea together, with loose leafed brews of quality and fine, baked dainties; a peculiarly perfect English ritual that bemused our Thai partners- and that amused us. It was terrific, I thought, to have a chum with whom I shared so many cultural reference points. Of course, we were very different too but I always consider that a prerequisite to a real friendship. I have no time for sycophancy. The mutual acceptance of dissimilarity demonstrates real respect.
I had applied this principal to my relationship with William. If I respected his more conservative and conventional approach to life, I assumed that he would reciprocate and tolerate my more adventurous and avant-garde habits. This has worked well with chums with whom I have similarly contrasting personalities. I have a sneaky admiration for their comfort in conformity and suspect they feel the same about my more rebellious style. I have a friend called Shlomi. He is an Israeli journalist and film maker; we are polar opposites and rarely agree about anything. Nonetheless, he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met and my love for him is returned in spades.
Several times, I had cracked jokes to William and noticed him wince- IтАЩd touched a nerve too close to the bone and I became self-censorious. This is not healthy. I soon found myself biting my tongue more and more. I noticed that William was a pessimist while my wineglass was always half full- a happy happenstance as it means that a good quaff has been enjoyed! My naturally positive attitude was being eroded by WilliamтАЩs constant negativity and when I did counter his complaints with upbeat angles, I detected resentment. And then I noticed that all his carping and criticism was directed at Thailand and Thai people. His tirades fed themselves and his self-induced rage revealed a desperately unhappy and fundamentally angry individual.
He could not stop making comparisons between everything Thai and England. That in itself is not a problem. It is loading those comparisons with values that cause the difficulty. Labelling everything as good and bad or better and worse is a worthless and destructive exercise, especially when the traffic is all one way. WilliamтАЩs conclusions always had Thailand in such a bad light that it became almost impossible for me to resist the temptation to inquire as to why he was here at all.
There can be no profit in evaluating apples with oranges. When western culture is so different from the culture in Thailand, the assessment cannot produce winners and losers. That leads to nowhere but cul-de-sacs of frustration, antipathy and estrangement. If I was suffering as a result of WilliamтАЩs negative nit-picking, how did his Thai lover feel? It is natural to compare your new environment to your homeland but the labels you produce to define those differences should stop at just that: тАШdifferent!тАЩ Treat Thailand as a lover or as a friend. Accept things as they are or get out. Just as I got out of my relationship with William.
By James Barnes
William has lived in Thailand for more than twenty years. He is a middle class, middle Englander who taught at prestigious higher education institutions until his retirement about five years ago. He is a bright guy who has been with his Thai boyfriend and extended Thai family for most of his time here. He has a helpful nature, a ready wit and is a fount of knowledge, invaluable to any green expat, who has just arrived in the land of smiles. He certainly assisted me with many essential minutiae of administration requisite to a wrinkle free existence in my new home. But we donтАЩt talk anymore.
We used to go shopping together, house hunting together, bar hopping together and regularly dined at each otherтАЩs table. We occasionally had afternoon tea together, with loose leafed brews of quality and fine, baked dainties; a peculiarly perfect English ritual that bemused our Thai partners- and that amused us. It was terrific, I thought, to have a chum with whom I shared so many cultural reference points. Of course, we were very different too but I always consider that a prerequisite to a real friendship. I have no time for sycophancy. The mutual acceptance of dissimilarity demonstrates real respect.
I had applied this principal to my relationship with William. If I respected his more conservative and conventional approach to life, I assumed that he would reciprocate and tolerate my more adventurous and avant-garde habits. This has worked well with chums with whom I have similarly contrasting personalities. I have a sneaky admiration for their comfort in conformity and suspect they feel the same about my more rebellious style. I have a friend called Shlomi. He is an Israeli journalist and film maker; we are polar opposites and rarely agree about anything. Nonetheless, he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met and my love for him is returned in spades.
Several times, I had cracked jokes to William and noticed him wince- IтАЩd touched a nerve too close to the bone and I became self-censorious. This is not healthy. I soon found myself biting my tongue more and more. I noticed that William was a pessimist while my wineglass was always half full- a happy happenstance as it means that a good quaff has been enjoyed! My naturally positive attitude was being eroded by WilliamтАЩs constant negativity and when I did counter his complaints with upbeat angles, I detected resentment. And then I noticed that all his carping and criticism was directed at Thailand and Thai people. His tirades fed themselves and his self-induced rage revealed a desperately unhappy and fundamentally angry individual.
He could not stop making comparisons between everything Thai and England. That in itself is not a problem. It is loading those comparisons with values that cause the difficulty. Labelling everything as good and bad or better and worse is a worthless and destructive exercise, especially when the traffic is all one way. WilliamтАЩs conclusions always had Thailand in such a bad light that it became almost impossible for me to resist the temptation to inquire as to why he was here at all.
There can be no profit in evaluating apples with oranges. When western culture is so different from the culture in Thailand, the assessment cannot produce winners and losers. That leads to nowhere but cul-de-sacs of frustration, antipathy and estrangement. If I was suffering as a result of WilliamтАЩs negative nit-picking, how did his Thai lover feel? It is natural to compare your new environment to your homeland but the labels you produce to define those differences should stop at just that: тАШdifferent!тАЩ Treat Thailand as a lover or as a friend. Accept things as they are or get out. Just as I got out of my relationship with William.