At a crossroads again -- what to do, what to do.

[cdnmatt]

Not sure how much I want to reveal in this post, but sitting at a hotel in Khon Kaen right now, where I've been living for almost a month, enjoying a couple drinks and some good music, and had the urge to write. Still have the house, which is about 8km down the road, and where the dogs are. Kim's also there at the moment, probably having some lao-khao with his friends, and I'm sure will show up at the hotel later on, around 4am piss drunk. Hopefully tonight he's not crying because he believes I'm going to leave him. I doubt it though, because he knows I won't talk to him in that condition, and will just tell him to shut up and go to sleep.

heh, this whole life thing sure is a trip, isn't it? I don't know how safe you play your life, but I obviously don't do a good job. Hopefully I can learn to do so.

Was sick for quite a while there. Severe fatigue for about three months (eg. sleeping 120 hours in a week), and no idea how long I was mildly fatigued before that without realizing it. Killed my revenue, but that's fine though, and not worried about it in the slighest. Just launching a new project, extremely happy with how its come together, and I know full well what I'm capable of, so not worried about finances at all.

So now it's coming close to decision time again for me. You know... a month ago I was dead set on leaving Kim, and even had the $10k USD saved for my move to Chiang Mai, which sure enough got "lost". Had an elaborate plan all laid out in my mind to get a house in Chiang Mai, leave Kim in good standing, and get my dogs to the new house without any bad shit happening.

Over the past month Kim and myself have reconnected somewhat though. I'm out of the house now, so I'm finally back to being happy and healthy, plus we also spend more one-on-one time together again. And it's just the small things -- the little inside jokes only we know about, the occasional giggling or tickling, and just the overall emotional energy we share again. And that's what love is, you know? When you know all the little nuances and quirks about each other, and it's fine -- you still love each other.

It's just... god damnit I wish he'd just apply himself a little bit in life. Just do something, anything -- I don't care. First drop your current friends because we both know they're total losers, will never be there for you, and are only taking advantage of you. Then just do something -- grab a job as a waiter, or at a hotel, make a bit of money for yourself, and become friends with your new co-workers. That's all you gotta do man, and you have a good hearted and 100% loyal farang for life.

He has to do something though, because otherwise I have no choice but to leave him, and I don't want to leave him. He's a great guy, but just need to step it up a notch, that's all. Otherwise he just drags me down in life, and I'm no longer willing to do that. I don't want to go at this whole life thing alone again, and the last thing I feel like doing is finding another boyfriend, because that takes like 3 years before you know each other inside and out.

And it'd not like Kim has loving parents to fall back on, or anything. Who knows where his mom is, his dad is a total fuck up, little
brother is down south working at a farm, and little sister is up north with her baby living with her in-laws, trying to patch things up
with her husband, who's apparently a cheating asshole.

Just fuck man, get off your ass, be the great guy I know you are, and do something with yourself -- anything. If you can manage that, I'll be there for you, forever and always. No worries. Otherwise, I have to leave you, which is going to put you in a world of hurt, and I don't think you even realize how painful it's going to be.

I don't know... I'm drunk. Good night all!

[joe552]

matt, no answers or advice from me, just a hope all works out for the best in end. wish you well.

[bucknaway]

I think you know what you have to do and I wish you the best of luck.

[Brad the Impala]

You've given him every chance. How many more. You've half moved on now, that's made you happier again. Isn't that the signpost?

[adman5000]

Matt, Thank for sharing your feelings on the relationship challenges you are dealing with. I give you credit for giving such a life a try , taking the chances, and sharing the results on the forum.
It is helpful for us readers to be reminded of the types of situation you can easily find yourself in and use it as a learning experience to think about the balance between accepting a person for all their differences (something that is unlikely to change) and ensuring they have the capability/desire to meet your expectations. Easy to say of course until feelings affect our vision on such things.
It should be interesting to follow Dodger's situation and see how things work out, Although it is one thing to be with someone periodically and quite another to live with them everyday.

[Khor tose]

Matt I too think you already have the answer, and I join in the others in not giving you any advice. Here, I believe the board has risen above itself as I feel the above replies are so good, I wish we could lock this post. One terrible thing about being an adult is that you have to face, and constantly make hard decision. Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck.

[arsenal]

A nice piece, thanks for sharing it. This is a year of change/endings for those of us of a certain age. Thatchers' gone and Mandela is waiting for the bus. I wouldn't be surprised to see a couple of male royals from Greece and the Orient depart as well. I leave for a new city in a little over a week and my Chinese friend is leaving for London shortly after. Good luck Matt.

[Manforallseasons]

Maybe your expectations for him are unrealistic and when he doesn't live up to them you get pissed off. On some level he makes you happy why not let him take care of you, the house and the dogs.

[Smiles]

Drunk in a hotel room in Khoen Khen banging away on a keyboard ... hard to get any more Malcolm Lowry if one tried.
Lots of support here on this thread for Cndmatt, even going so far as to wish it be locked so as to defeat any chance of even a smidgen of 'negativity' creeping in. And, I have none.

But there is a history here, on this board, of Cndmatt's journey with Kim, and I thought it may make sense to revisit it at this point: not much lives well in a vacuum, and certainly not history.
Here, in a very long thread (7 pages!) is Cndmatt's first post on Sawatdee, way back in 2009 -- almost exactly four years ago in fact.
The thread contains the entire gamut of reactions to the never ending -- and angst filled -- topic of long term relationships with Thai guys. Quite fascinating to observe what was then, and what is now.
Under the volcano, indeed: advice-for-long-term-needed-t18114.html (http://www.sawatdee-gay-thailand.com/forum/advice-for-long-term-needed-t18114.html)

[cdnmatt]

Drunk in a hotel room in Khoen Khen banging away on a keyboard ... hard to get any more Malcolm Lowry if one tried.
Lots of support here on this thread for Cndmatt, even going so far as to wish it be locked so as to defeat any chance of even a smidgen of 'negativity' creeping in. And, I have none.

But there is a history here, on this board, of Cndmatt's journey with Kim, and I thought it may make sense to revisit it at this point: not much lives well in a vacuum, and certainly not history.
Here, in a very long thread (7 pages!) is Cndmatt's first post on Sawatdee, way back in 2009 -- almost exactly four years ago in fact.
The thread contains the entire gamut of reactions to the never ending -- and angst filled -- topic of long term relationships with Thai guys. Quite fascinating to observe what was then, and what is now.
Under the volcano, indeed: advice-for-long-term-needed-t18114.html (http://www.sawatdee-gay-thailand.com/forum/advice-for-long-term-needed-t18114.html)

Really? You decided this was a good idea for a reply? You may want to take a peg or two off that pedestal of yours.

I hope you realize you're just making yourself look like an asshole. From one Canadian to another, you're a dick.

[Sooty]

Have you thought about slashing your wrists?

[Thai Dyed]

More than anything, Matt's life reminds me of Beckett's Waiting for Godot. Oh... it's so perfect.

Matt and Kim as Vladimir and Estragon:
[attachment=0:3cqzvczn]Matt and Kim.jpg[/attachment:3cqzvczn]

[Dodger]

Matt,

What you see is what you got.

[cdnmatt]

Matt,

What you see is what you got.

I really hope you weren't being snide in that remark, because you're hardly one to put yourself on a pedestal Dodger.

[Smiles]

Pedestal Envy?

[Brad the Impala]

You used to assume the best Matt, it seems that now you assume the worst.

[cdnmatt]

You used to assume the best Matt, it seems that now you assume the worst.

Not at all. I'm still a great guy, and due to my nature, don't have a choice but to assume the best. It's just that now, I'm no longer hesitant to call a spade a spade.

Smiles was quite obviously being a jackass, and it's pretty tough to refute that one. But whatever, up to him.

Dodger on the other hand could have meant well, but I have a sneaking suspicion there were negative connotations with his quip, although I could be wrong. If I am wrong, I apologize.

[bucknaway]

I think dodger was saying that you get what you get when it comes to guys. I stopped trying to change people that have no desire in changing. And he won't be happy faking it.

[timmberty]

i find it funny matts sat in his hotel alone getting pissed, moaning about his light switch lover getting pissed with his friends ...
sounds like the beat up wife who just cant leave the thug husband.. cause he might just change, and really mean he didnt mean to hit her again...
life is what happens while you're busy making other plans ...

I'm still a great guy, ...And there I was thinking personal vanity is a Thai characteristic.

[rincondog]

Move on.

[Beachlover]

Matt... I know it's tough when (1) you've been together a long time, (2) there's a lot of deep emotions involved and (3) particularly with a Thai or any of the more ethnic cultures being less rational and less able to control their emotions.

But my suggestion would be to move on.

You know the fundamentals aren't there. You're not compatible. He's not the guy you want to be with now and he's not capable of changing into that guy in the future. You keep saying you want him to be the "great guy that he is" but he's just not going to do that. He doesn't have the aptitude or the desire. You can only help people who want to help themselves.

Put the issue of gainful employment aside... and look at lifestyle and living habits. It's pretty clear from the stories you've told that you and him aren't compatible. He's happy to have all and sundry from his family around fucking up his place and taking advantage of whatever they can. You're clearly not happy with this. I don't know if it's because he's not WILLING to change or doesn't have the ABILITY to change, but either way, it's not a viable match. I mean, if he gave a fuck about anything he would never have allowed those situations to eventuate.

If you're happy for this guy to leech off you and not do anything productive (and I mean ANYTHING... since it sounds like he can't even keep a decent home), then by all means, continue and compromise. But you don't sound like someone willing to do that. So best move on, cut your losses, take it as a learning experience.

Seriously, there's tonnes and tonnes of normal, smart, good guys in Thailand who you would be compatible with. Zoom out, take a look at the big picture and you might see how absurdly ridiculous it is, that instead of all that, you've chosen the one guy from the bottom of the pile who you are LEAST likely to be compatible with and put yourself through a three-year roller coaster of drama. You're not that young anymore... might be time to start making sensible, long-term decisions.

[Krazy4thai]

Matt why do you post about your forlorn lack of finding love with Kim if you dont want honest reactions. The first few replies here seem to be from those who sympathise/empathise with your situation. However as soon as something negative is posted you become defensive and upset.
A few tickles and cuddles when you feel like Kim is toeing the line is NOT love. What changes can you make in the relationship which dont involve massive corrections to the lifestyle of the guy you decided to be "in love" with.
To dear Abby / ie me ATM, it seems foolish for you to expect Kim to conform to your idea of a loving relationship while still embedded in his own culture and surroundings, if you want a western style relationship with him take him home with you to Canada.
Having seen this situation with friends in Oz, the relationship would be lucky to survive a year.

I personally feel no sympathy for your constant whining about your search for love.

Be greatfull you did not "marry" him.

[netrix]

Pedestal Envy?

:: like ::
(where's the damn like button?)