Dodger
July 1st, 2012, 13:48
Joy and Sorrow тАУ two human emotions which are inseparable and in perfect balance with each other - are also natural components of our existence and cannot be denied or altered by anyone. At least this was the belief of Kahlil Gibran as defined in his acclaimed book тАЬThe ProphetтАЭ which I have gone on to appreciate and understand more deeply as life moves forward.
My daily visits to Nong Palai Prison to visit Thep came to an abrupt halt on May 30 when Thep took his last breath and started his journey into his next life. After spending 11 months in the prison hospital struggling in his recovery from advanced tuberculosis his body finally gave out. He died in a small TB ward on the third floor of the Chon Buri Hospital with a small photo album with pics from our last two trips to Koh Samet on his lapтАж a half bag of uneaten Lays potato chips on the tray next to the bedтАжand me at his side.
Thep was found guilty by association of drug possession in July 2010 тАУ had his 2-1/2 year sentence reduced to 2 years by the courts after they re-reviewed the evidence (non-evidence) тАУ served 22 months of that sentence тАУ and died about 6 weeks prior to his planned release date. He suffered greatly, being shuffled between an over-crowded and filthy room they refer to as тАЬa hospitalтАЭ at Nong Palai тАУ and Banglamucg and Chon Buri Hospitals which are both government sponsored hell-holes which are commonly referred to by the Thai people as places where people go to die.
In early April I was able to get Thep moved from Nong Palai to Banglamung Hospital after securing the services of a lawyer and shoving 30,000 baht under a table. Banglamung was just a notch up from the prison hospital, although provided an opportunity for us to be together which I will always be grateful for. ThepтАЩs condition rapidly declined over the months to follow rendering him unable to even lift an arm. I had to bathe him, spoon feed him, hold his head up pointed at a waste basket when he was vomiting and call one of the nurses every time his IV was empty or the medication they gave him ended up floating in his vomit. Banglamung is a hell-hole and not for the faint-hearted, especially for the unfortunate patients being treated (or mistreated) there.
I spent April and May lodged at a small hotel within walking distance to the hospital so I could be close to him and avoid the daily motorbike rides back to South Pattaya. His mother and father traveled from SiSaket and spent the same amount of time lodged with relatives and came to the hospital to relieve me in the evenings so I could get some sleep. Admittedly, I was in denial during most of this period and worked frantically with the doctors and nurses in a constant effort to turn things around. I was informed by one of the nurses that Thep was aware of the fact that his life was going to end back in April, although he didnтАЩt share this with me until 3 days before he took his last breath. Thep never once complained about anything, nor did he show any signs of regret for his fate тАУ just remorse over the consequences for his actions as they affected me which he disclosed to me many times. His last words to me wereтАжтАЭVic, I am very tired now тАУ I will be waiting for youтАЭ. With that he squeezed my hand firmly and closed his eyes for the very last time.
The majority of Thai BuddhistтАЩs believe very strongly inтАЭ impermanenceтАЭ which is the reason why Thais react to death much differently than we do in the West. Impermanence only affects oneтАЩs body тАУ as the actual person goes on to his/hers next life once the body dies. This is referred to as ones soul in the West тАУ and Chi, a product of our karma which is the energy which flows through us in Buddhism. ThepтАЩs passing was a blessing as it released him from the pain and suffering that he had endured for so long. For me, the suffering for him had also ended, although the sorrow which accompanies this process will live on.
I declined attending the funeral service in SiSaket only because I saw no purpose in me riding for 12 hours in a pickup truck having ThepтАЩs body bouncing up and down in the bed of the truck тАУ nor did I have any motivation to sit around watching farmers getting drunk on rot gut whiskey in a swirl of black smoke created by the burning of ThepтАЩs body on a bon fire. His parents were not happy with my decision and tried to convince me that due to the fact that Thep and I were bonded (married) me not being present at the funeral could inhibit his chances of being sent off to his next life in proper fashion. I informed them through an interpreter that I am also a Buddhist, although it is my belief that Thep has already started his journey into his next life and the ceremony they plan on holding (for themselves) has little to do with his journey. I went on to inform them that I would visit the local temple aloneтАжmake my own personal blessingsтАжand call it a dayтАжwhich I went on to do. After loading Theps body in the truck I handed his mother an envelope with 30,000 baht to cover the funeral expenses and said my goodbyes. I know she would have liked more тАУ as she always does.
ThepтАЩs mother and father applied constant pressure on him since he was young to provide them with money тАУ which he in-turn did. As a result, they are left with a real house versus the rice storage bin they used to call home, a nice piece of farm land and a farm tractor. Without money coming from Thep (via me) the bank will repossess the tractor, they will probably have to sell the home at some point to pay the family relatives the money they have been borrowing since ThepтАЩs incarceration - ending up back in the rice storage bin as if Thep never existed. A sad reality, but what goes around comes around. ThepтАЩs father, who quit his job as a truck driver years ago when the money started flowing in, will just have to get a job, and his mother, who only visited Thep at the prison when I was there with her hand out, will just have to spend the rest of her life reflecting on the consequences of her own actions. For me, itтАЩs overтАжand time to move on.
Thep was an untamable wild horse. He lived his life to the max тАУ played the cards he was dealt тАУ and did so without ever once having a negative thing to say about another person. He loved to listen to me play guitar, cried more often than he laughed, and only showed me his тАЬtrue selfтАЭ when we were alone in the country. I will miss him terribly.
For meтАжlife is an adventure not a destiny. IтАЩve been saying that my entire life and just recently realized how synonymous this saying is with the core percepts of Buddhism. Life is an adventure - if in fact we chose to live it in this manner, and an adventure without risk is not adventure. Our тАЬdestinyтАЭ is nothing more than the movement of our true selves (souls or Chi) through the many layers of time.
I spent the 2 years that Thep was incarcerated focused on getting myself more established in LOS тАУ where most of my time, efforts, and money in the past were focused on getting Thep and his family more established. My objectives were to get my own apartment with all the furnishings needed, a Thai residency certificate, a motorbike, a Thai driverтАЩs license and a health insurance policy тАУ all aimed at preparing me for the future. I was able to accomplish these things and now focused on living the adventure but once again. I will undoubtedly fall in love againтАжitтАЩs my nature and I canтАЩt wait to see who he is and what he is like.
I was fortunate to have one month left in LOS after ThepтАЩs passing which provided the time needed to allow the mourning process to flow naturally. I elected to take several trips away from Pattaya to get a fresh breathe of air which seemed to help. I took several long motorbike trips with no real destination or planтАжjust my trusty backpack and a few google maps. I also flew to Koh Samui for 5 days and lodged at a remote hotel (far from the populated swimming beaches) which was designed with small villas built on the side of a mountain in a jungle setting overlooking the seaтАжjust great. There are no gay haunts on Koh Samui so I recommend taking an entertaining friend along with you as I did.
I will return to LOS in October for my next 3 month adventure - only this time I will have the freedom to travel more and meet new friends which has always been my desire. There is no reason for anyone here to feel sorry for me or offer any type of condolence тАУ because, like Thep, I am an untamable horse and chose to live my life the way I see it тАУ not how others would choose to have me see it. I knew exactly what type of ride I was going to have in my relationship with ThepтАжaccepted the sorrow along with the moments of joyтАжand will enjoy doing so again at my choosing.
Mai pen rai
My daily visits to Nong Palai Prison to visit Thep came to an abrupt halt on May 30 when Thep took his last breath and started his journey into his next life. After spending 11 months in the prison hospital struggling in his recovery from advanced tuberculosis his body finally gave out. He died in a small TB ward on the third floor of the Chon Buri Hospital with a small photo album with pics from our last two trips to Koh Samet on his lapтАж a half bag of uneaten Lays potato chips on the tray next to the bedтАжand me at his side.
Thep was found guilty by association of drug possession in July 2010 тАУ had his 2-1/2 year sentence reduced to 2 years by the courts after they re-reviewed the evidence (non-evidence) тАУ served 22 months of that sentence тАУ and died about 6 weeks prior to his planned release date. He suffered greatly, being shuffled between an over-crowded and filthy room they refer to as тАЬa hospitalтАЭ at Nong Palai тАУ and Banglamucg and Chon Buri Hospitals which are both government sponsored hell-holes which are commonly referred to by the Thai people as places where people go to die.
In early April I was able to get Thep moved from Nong Palai to Banglamung Hospital after securing the services of a lawyer and shoving 30,000 baht under a table. Banglamung was just a notch up from the prison hospital, although provided an opportunity for us to be together which I will always be grateful for. ThepтАЩs condition rapidly declined over the months to follow rendering him unable to even lift an arm. I had to bathe him, spoon feed him, hold his head up pointed at a waste basket when he was vomiting and call one of the nurses every time his IV was empty or the medication they gave him ended up floating in his vomit. Banglamung is a hell-hole and not for the faint-hearted, especially for the unfortunate patients being treated (or mistreated) there.
I spent April and May lodged at a small hotel within walking distance to the hospital so I could be close to him and avoid the daily motorbike rides back to South Pattaya. His mother and father traveled from SiSaket and spent the same amount of time lodged with relatives and came to the hospital to relieve me in the evenings so I could get some sleep. Admittedly, I was in denial during most of this period and worked frantically with the doctors and nurses in a constant effort to turn things around. I was informed by one of the nurses that Thep was aware of the fact that his life was going to end back in April, although he didnтАЩt share this with me until 3 days before he took his last breath. Thep never once complained about anything, nor did he show any signs of regret for his fate тАУ just remorse over the consequences for his actions as they affected me which he disclosed to me many times. His last words to me wereтАжтАЭVic, I am very tired now тАУ I will be waiting for youтАЭ. With that he squeezed my hand firmly and closed his eyes for the very last time.
The majority of Thai BuddhistтАЩs believe very strongly inтАЭ impermanenceтАЭ which is the reason why Thais react to death much differently than we do in the West. Impermanence only affects oneтАЩs body тАУ as the actual person goes on to his/hers next life once the body dies. This is referred to as ones soul in the West тАУ and Chi, a product of our karma which is the energy which flows through us in Buddhism. ThepтАЩs passing was a blessing as it released him from the pain and suffering that he had endured for so long. For me, the suffering for him had also ended, although the sorrow which accompanies this process will live on.
I declined attending the funeral service in SiSaket only because I saw no purpose in me riding for 12 hours in a pickup truck having ThepтАЩs body bouncing up and down in the bed of the truck тАУ nor did I have any motivation to sit around watching farmers getting drunk on rot gut whiskey in a swirl of black smoke created by the burning of ThepтАЩs body on a bon fire. His parents were not happy with my decision and tried to convince me that due to the fact that Thep and I were bonded (married) me not being present at the funeral could inhibit his chances of being sent off to his next life in proper fashion. I informed them through an interpreter that I am also a Buddhist, although it is my belief that Thep has already started his journey into his next life and the ceremony they plan on holding (for themselves) has little to do with his journey. I went on to inform them that I would visit the local temple aloneтАжmake my own personal blessingsтАжand call it a dayтАжwhich I went on to do. After loading Theps body in the truck I handed his mother an envelope with 30,000 baht to cover the funeral expenses and said my goodbyes. I know she would have liked more тАУ as she always does.
ThepтАЩs mother and father applied constant pressure on him since he was young to provide them with money тАУ which he in-turn did. As a result, they are left with a real house versus the rice storage bin they used to call home, a nice piece of farm land and a farm tractor. Without money coming from Thep (via me) the bank will repossess the tractor, they will probably have to sell the home at some point to pay the family relatives the money they have been borrowing since ThepтАЩs incarceration - ending up back in the rice storage bin as if Thep never existed. A sad reality, but what goes around comes around. ThepтАЩs father, who quit his job as a truck driver years ago when the money started flowing in, will just have to get a job, and his mother, who only visited Thep at the prison when I was there with her hand out, will just have to spend the rest of her life reflecting on the consequences of her own actions. For me, itтАЩs overтАжand time to move on.
Thep was an untamable wild horse. He lived his life to the max тАУ played the cards he was dealt тАУ and did so without ever once having a negative thing to say about another person. He loved to listen to me play guitar, cried more often than he laughed, and only showed me his тАЬtrue selfтАЭ when we were alone in the country. I will miss him terribly.
For meтАжlife is an adventure not a destiny. IтАЩve been saying that my entire life and just recently realized how synonymous this saying is with the core percepts of Buddhism. Life is an adventure - if in fact we chose to live it in this manner, and an adventure without risk is not adventure. Our тАЬdestinyтАЭ is nothing more than the movement of our true selves (souls or Chi) through the many layers of time.
I spent the 2 years that Thep was incarcerated focused on getting myself more established in LOS тАУ where most of my time, efforts, and money in the past were focused on getting Thep and his family more established. My objectives were to get my own apartment with all the furnishings needed, a Thai residency certificate, a motorbike, a Thai driverтАЩs license and a health insurance policy тАУ all aimed at preparing me for the future. I was able to accomplish these things and now focused on living the adventure but once again. I will undoubtedly fall in love againтАжitтАЩs my nature and I canтАЩt wait to see who he is and what he is like.
I was fortunate to have one month left in LOS after ThepтАЩs passing which provided the time needed to allow the mourning process to flow naturally. I elected to take several trips away from Pattaya to get a fresh breathe of air which seemed to help. I took several long motorbike trips with no real destination or planтАжjust my trusty backpack and a few google maps. I also flew to Koh Samui for 5 days and lodged at a remote hotel (far from the populated swimming beaches) which was designed with small villas built on the side of a mountain in a jungle setting overlooking the seaтАжjust great. There are no gay haunts on Koh Samui so I recommend taking an entertaining friend along with you as I did.
I will return to LOS in October for my next 3 month adventure - only this time I will have the freedom to travel more and meet new friends which has always been my desire. There is no reason for anyone here to feel sorry for me or offer any type of condolence тАУ because, like Thep, I am an untamable horse and chose to live my life the way I see it тАУ not how others would choose to have me see it. I knew exactly what type of ride I was going to have in my relationship with ThepтАжaccepted the sorrow along with the moments of joyтАжand will enjoy doing so again at my choosing.
Mai pen rai