Member Of The Year

[Jellybean]

. . . I still don't understand how Andy Murray got his K (Jeez, even crumbling tickle stick Ken Dodd got one) and I was left off the list for yet another year?? Not even a measly M, O or C for moi! Honestly, these idiots on the honours committee don't seem to understand the brown envelope system at all - and I stuffed quite a few this time around. Perhaps they thought that Baht is some kind of Monopoly money . . .

But you forget one really important thing. Dear old arsenal hasn't yet coughed up for a bloody crown! Not even a Chinese copy with fake Swarovski crystals! For all the functions I'll now be expected to attend . . .

Ahhh . . . that reminds me of the last time I was in gainful employment. Twice a year, during the lead up to the Queen’s Birthday Honours and the New Year Honours, as an Area Board, we were asked to consider submitting the names of any staff we considered worthy of an honour. Despite copious coughing on my part on each occasion, none of my fellow board members took the hint and thought to put forward my name. Of course, it was considered bad form to put forward one’s own name. All I recall was some wag saying to me, you should suck a Fisherman’s Friend [Jellybean].

Then one year, to my utter dismay, a friend and an officer of similar rank was awarded an OBE. We carried out roughly the same sort of work, had equal experience and the both of us also acted as facilitators for action learning groups, but I had been asked to act as the group leader the following year. The only difference was that he was a deeply religious man and did voluntary work for his local church. My Area Director was also deeply religious and often said that she would pray for me. What could she possibly mean by that I would frequently ask myself? Then one day she took me by surprise and asked, “What exactly is it you do during your nocturnal walks on Hampstead Heath* [Jellybean]?” Crikey! Who had spilled the beans? Or, as many of us suspected, did the spooks on the higher floors, of whom we were warned of formidable penalties under the Official Secrets Act, if we were ever to alight on those floors, actually tap our phones and had reported back on my evenings spent checking out badgers, bats and owls? No, surely not.

Crikey! I’ve rather lost my track, ah, yes, now I recall what I actually wanted to say.

What? No crown you say founty? Not even a tiara? Well, that’s outrageous! To be honest, I think it’s a poor show and I hate to say this, especially on the open forum, but I now have this image of our esteemed Trollfinder General sporting a pencil thin moustache, wearing a camel hair coat and a trilby. There, I’ve said it. Yes, I know, I have put my very membership at risk for saying so. But there you have it. I must speak as I find and damn the consequences.



*A notorious gay cruising ground in North London.

[fountainhall]

Ahhh . . . that reminds me of the last time I was in gainful employment

Maybe it would be advisable to remind members what gainful employment is. Some here seem to have left that part of their lives behind quite some years ago!

But very interesting, Jelly old son. No, not that you failed to wear your religion on your sleeve, for I can tell clearly from your posts that you kneel down everyday for a decent spot of respectful worship. No, it is that you and I have one thing in common -

we were warned of formidable penalties under the Official Secrets Act

In my very first job after leaving University, I too had to sign the same Official Secrets Act signing away my rights to free speech and swearing to speak the Queen's English as she was spoke at all times on pain of all sorts of dreadful penalties. Funny thing is, I left that job after 18 months but was never provided with anything in writing to negate what I had signed away and could thereafter reclaim. Am I still forbidden to reveal all my secrets?

[Jellybean]

. . . Am I still forbidden to reveal all my secrets?

Indeed you are fountainhall, unless you plan on following in Edward Snowden’s footsteps and don’t mind living in Moscow.

It does however seem rather remiss of your then Personnel Division not to have reminded you in writing at, or shortly after, your departure.

When I was given enforced early retirement on health grounds, I was provided with a letter from our Human Resources Department (I preferred when they were called Personnel Division) in which they reminded me, amongst other things, of my life long duty of confidentiality to the Crown.

Now, we don’t want to hear of yet another suspicious fa-ràng ‘suicide’ caused by a fall from a high storey building in Bangkok. So, if I were you, I’d remember, loose lips sink ships and Mum’s the word and all that, if you get my meaning, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

[rincondog]

Pompous windbag of the year would be a more appropriate title than member of the year.