Pattaya-Hua Hin ferry to begin on New Year's Day

[Jellybean]

Don't be a spoilsport, Jelly! If you're worried about drowning . . .

Well yes, I won’t lie to you, especially since you currently hold the much sought after and impressive, Member of the Year title. But yes, I won’t deny it; I am somewhat concerned about the prospect of drowning. It’s not the going quietly in my bed overnight death I would prefer, given the choice.

. . . I will personally go out and get you the latest state-of-the-art life vest with all associated bells and whistles. You'll bobble perfectly safely on the surface until the helicopters arrive . . .

That’s uncommonly kind of you founty old sport. You are indeed a kind and generous gentleman and a worthy holder of the esteemed Member of the Year title. But, after a great deal of thought, I must decline your thoughtful offer and I hope you won’t think any less of me for doing so. For your greater understanding, I shall expand upon my reasons in the next post.

[Jellybean]

Well, well, well, there’s something definitely afoot when the the Trollfinder General and the, as yet uncrowned, Member of the Year, are both urging me to be a passenger on the Pattaya – Hua Hin ferry, or the voyage of the damned as I prefer to call it.

So let’s just recap one minute. First, we are told that the jetties and piers are not up to scratch, then the boat, Boaty McBoatface, the name of which was correctly identified by Marsilius, may not be seaworthy and its maiden voyage was cancelled due to no more than a light swell.

Then one of our two resident experts on all things Chinese warned us that the majority of passengers are likely to be Chinese tour groups. And, with his detailed knowledge, the Trollfinder General further informed us that those same passengers are more than likely to create a lot of noise by:

“. . . shouting, watching movies and playing computer games (no earphones),” and if that, “doesn't get [me] then the constant eating of yucky and smelly snacks will. And if that doesn't get [me], then the clambering over [me] to get to their seat will, and if that doesn't get [me], then the people to [my] left having a long conversation with the people on [my] right will and quite possibly all 300 of them doing all of that at the same time.”

And to add insult to injury, arsenal only added, “By the way, very few Chinese people can swim, so if the boat starts to go down make sure you grab a life jacket pretty bloody sharpish because there won't be an orderly queue.”

But arsenal wasn’t finished yet, he further added, “I forgot to mention the tour groups' guide. She will stand at the front of the boat and talk into a loud microphone for perhaps 20 minutes shortly after departure and then again for 20 minutes as you come into dock.”

As a further ‘enticement’, founty, our Member of the Year for those of you who may have forgotten, casually informed us that the sea between Pattaya and Hua Hin may be populated by the deadly box jellyfish. But hey! not to worry, if I am drowned or have been stung to death, my plight, and those of my fellow passengers, will be immortalised on film by Steven Spielberg.

Then HAL, sorry, Surfcrest, informed us that the ferry actually managed to complete a sailing on Thursday, but it required an escort from a ship-of-the-line of the Royal Thai Navy in case, yes, I kid you not, in case it encountered a reddish wave, or was that a rough wave, yes I think our esteemed leader meant a rough wave.

Well, what’s not to like? Honestly, my fellow members, who in their right mind would consider accepting such an invitation? Actually, I have a feeling that it will not be long before one of our younger and more able-bodied members, dear ChristianPFC (our intrepid reporter-at-large), is providing us with his usual, fact and information packed report, with added high quality photographs.

So, in conclusion, I ask arsenal and fountainhall to be patient and wait a little while longer for Christian’s report. Or maybe, just maybe, Smiles might lay off the booze long enough to get up on time and catch the 08:30 departure and let us have one of his exceptionally well written trip reports. (Only joking about the booze, Smiles, in case it wasn’t obvious)

[Smiles]

" ... Or maybe, just maybe, Smiles might lay off the booze long enough to get up on time and catch the 08:30 departure and let us have one of his exceptionally well written trip reports. (Only joking about the booze, Smiles, in case it wasn’t obvious) ... "

OK OK ... I shall try the trip next week, on a Friday, and on the 13th.
You couldn't wish more unless I deliberately decide to throw myself overboard ~ all Hollywood ~ into the briny depths in the middle of the Gulf of Thailand screaming "Sawatdee Sucks" just as I hit the one and only 5-meter-high rogue wave to be recorded in the last 300 years. Hey ... it could have been "Pattaya Sucks" which would've been more understandable.

Whatever, if you don't hear from me, we didn't make it ... and I don't mean anything like Christian's unbelievably pathetic excuse of an " ... unfavorable time of 8:30 am ... ". Oh dear oh dear, Queen Elizabeth must not let her pale-but-unblemished skin come into contact with the morning sun. No wonder he hasn't had a decent fucking Thai Twink for over 6 years now.

[Jellybean]

OK OK ... I shall try the trip next week, on a Friday, and on the 13th . . .

Ahhh . . . I knew we could count on you to step once more into the breach, Smiles. But to be on the safe side, I would set two alarm clocks if I were you. Belt and braces and all that, if you know what I mean.

Crikey! A Friday the thirteenth departure you say. Hmmm . . . perhaps you might be pushing your luck a bit too far, but hey! let’s not dwell on any of the negative aspects, they’ve already been covered at length in the earlier posts.

And remember, the eyes of the world will be upon you. Oh, wait a minute, scrub that, it sounds a little bit over the top. I’ll start again, if I may . . .

And remember Smiles, the eyes of the forum members and readers will be upon you, so don’t let us down. I’m sure we all wish you God speed and a bon voyage.

One last thing Smiles, do bear in mind that it is a far, far better thing that you do, than you have ever done for the membership; and I am sure we all hope it is not a far, far better rest that you go to than you have ever known.